6 Life Lessons We Learned From the “Magic Mike XXL” Trailer

In recent years, Channing Tatum has made a name for himself in Hollywood. Tatum danced from Step Up (2006) to starring in blockbuster hits such as 21 Jumpstreet (2012), White House Down (2013), and most recently, Jupiter Ascending (2015). His moves got him noticed by fans and his co-star and now wife Jenna Dewan, but his ab-tastic physique is what landed him the role in Magic Mike (2012) alongside the ever-shirtless Matthew McConaughey and Joe Manganiello. Magic Mike (2012) wasn’t necessarily the film of the year, but it never lacked in entertainment value. The teaser trailer for the highly-anticipated sequel, Magic Mike XXL (2015) released a few days ago. Clothes may be notably absent in the trailer, but there’s many life lessons it can teach us.

Lesson #1: Welding is hot. No, that is not a ‘duh’ statement, but a ‘hello, you are hot like burning’ statement.

Sometimes, we find weird things attractive. Specific people in backwards hats, guys with puppies, guys holding babies, worn jeans that sit on your hips just right–people just have certain weaknesses. Accept that someone has probably drooled over you doing something completely innocent and/or weird. After watching that trailer, welding is quickly becoming one of mine.

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And no, I don’t know why, so please don’t ask. Just accept it.

 

Lesson #2: Be careful. Those body rolls you do in the club can lay a girl out.

Michael Jackson’s ‘Safety Dance’ may be more applicable on the dance floor than people realize. There’s a reason people circle up around dance battles. Nobody can be in the center of that much sexy without a hard perimeter to lessen the effect on the crowd. Everyone in this trailer broke those rules. I feel for the poor girl he gyrates all over. She probably had to go home and do laundry. A word of warning to all the sexy people in da club—your hips have more power than you think. With great dance moves comes great responsibility.

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Gyrate responsibly.

 

Lesson #3: Don’t walk across the stage shirtless if you aren’t prepared for rabid screaming.

These actors have abs you could wash clothes on. There are some people in this world that manage to be really attractive without taking off their clothes. They turn heads wherever they go. If you get this reaction while clothed, don’t be surprised that as soon as some skin is revealed the double takes turn into stares. And if you’re not ready to be screamed at and propositioned, then don’t strut across a stage showing abs in front of a crowd.

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We’ve all been there. The lady boner is a real thing.

Lesson #4: Cut off shirts with stretched armholes are perfectly acceptable in your own home. That’s it. Nowhere else.

If you want to rock ‘frat boy coutoure’ in the comfort of your own home, more power to ya. However, rocking cut off shirts and overstretched armholes can and will receive judgment in public. If you’re on a university campus, feel free to ignore this life lesson, because actual frat boys will never listen to it anyway.

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Lesson #5: You need to be a high class, male stripper to get invited to the crazy parties.

Good ol’ Tatum literally worked the pole in real life before he worked his way to working the pole onscreen. That’s like career-ception or something. Now, his co-stars never moonlighted as exotic dancers, but everyone has to start somewhere. Besides, Tatum totally stole that show. He’s gotten hotter with age, so I’m pretty sure he’d rake in more cash now than he did when he was in the strip-game for realz. It also stands to reason that if you look like a hot stripper, you’ll probably get invited to all the Project X-esque parties. Those abs paid the price of a VIP ticket. The rest of the plebes get to go to the regular party. There’s way less confetti.

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Please don’t kill me for that terrible pun in my last sentence. Omg.

Lesson #6: Awkward flirting is way more endearing when you have a godly shoulder to hip ratio and a clingy t-shirt on.

Why on earth do you think half of these guys get away with doing stupid things? It’s because girls are obsessed with awkward turtles. What girl doesn’t like a boy trying to impress her, but comes off as a total dork instead? Maybe that’s personal preference talking, but I’d choose the weirdo dancing spastically in the middle of the dance floor over the suave method-seduction user leaning strategically against the wall any day. It might explain the worldwide obsession with Dylan O’Brien. Plus, the idea of the hunks in this movie being awkward when approaching a lady is a compliment in of itself. Let’s raise our glasses to the nerdy hotties of the world!

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Gratuitous gifs of awk!Dylan makes everything better. How could you say no to that face?

 

Magic Mike XXL opens in theaters in July 2015.

Prone to sarcasm and obsessive flailing over fictional characters. Critically-acclaimed freelance writer and social media wizard. Spends most of her time reading, writing, and trying to be an adult. Her fandom specializations are Arrow, Teen Wolf, Supernatural, and retro 90's shows.