Now, any gathering with a ton of men who all suffer from “my penis is bigger than yours” syndrome is bound to be either –
a) a clusterfuck
b) a show of exactly whose penis is the largest
c) a woman’s worst nightmare.
Lucky for all of us, we get to examine this, as last night’s ‘Outlander’ was “The Gathering”. All the MacKenzie men come to show off just who is the manliest of them all.
So, imagine – you’ve fallen through time and you’re basically held captive by some Outlanders as their Healer. Someone’s watching your every move to make sure you don’t escape. You’d make the best of it, right? God knows I would with Jamie around. Claire is trying to do just that – have a good time. She’s out running around, playing with the kiddos, when she falls, and this happens.
Now first of all – home skillet doesn’t even have on a plaid kilt – so you know he’s not showing her his Sunday best. And in those days – they probably never heard of manscaping, so I wouldn’t have blamed her if she ran in fear. It probably looked like a mushroom cap trying to rise through a fire. And the fucked up thing is it’s not even Jamie’s. She’s owed trauma pay. Someone get on that.
Claire and her guards go to join the gathering, and as I see her take a look around, I notice her dress. Seriously, whoever designed a dress that makes a woman look like she’s 6 months pregnant and carrying it all in her hips is one screwed up human being.
I LOL’d as Claire convinced her handlers that a woman was fancying one of them. To which we hear, “Ay, well, I’ll be settling my cock to roost in there tonight.” This must have been one of the great pick up lines of their time.
Geez, in these days it was too easy to fuck with a mans mind.
Claire heads to the stables to pick a horse for the hunt. She asks for Jamie. Dude in the stable tells Claire that it’s best to leave Jamie be, to which Claire responds that she didn’t know she was a bother. Umm, stable dude – don’t you get in the way of our favorite couple. I may have to fly to Scotland to touch the stones, to come and kick your stones.
Claire heads back to the castle, where Mrs. All Up in Your Business is hanging out. She asks too many questions and thinks Claire is eating for two based on all the food in the room.
Girl has got to go home. Who has to banish her? Let’s talk to that person. Red headed know it all – well, I have the feeling that she’s on to something. OR she wants Jamie to herself and see’s the way he looks at Claire. Either way, she has a creepy factor of like 10. So…
That night’s “The Oath”. All the men of the MacKenzie clan are pledging themselves to Colum. The best part of this event – you realize people knew what hygiene was. Everyone stops looking like they rolled around in the pig pen. If I was Claire – the thing I would miss most are hygiene products. B.O. is a serious buzz kill.
We’re 17 minutes in BTW’s and still no sign of Jamie. This is bullshit.
Anyone else thankful for the people that translate this stuff to Claire? Cause I know I am.
I’ll admit – if I was the head of a clan, I would be all excited for The Gathering – nothing like a bunch of people kneeling before you telling you that you are the big cheese, the head honcho. I however would need more bowls, cause no way am I drinking out of the same one as someone else. I don’t know what’s been down their throat.
So Claire’s all ready to leave, and is stopped by one of her guards. He says he’s not leaving, and that she should stay while he finds a lass for the evening. She says okay, and that she might as well join in – pulling a flask from her waist. She takes a sip (to spit out when he isn’t looking) and he chuggs that crap like it’s the only thing that will save his life. Moron.
Never trust a woman with an agenda. And he’s stupid if he doesn’t think she has one. Guard dude realizes that it’s not like what he’s drank before, and Claire informs him it’s a sedative. He asks if that’s Spanish. Oh… how adorable is he. Whatever lassie he finds is in for a treat (not).
Claire’s now found her perfect time to escape and as she runs to get her stuff and is heading back out she runs into slutty mcslutterson (and I only call her that cause I don’t like her – she’s interrupting my ship) – who is asking for a potion that may open up a lads heart.
Now Claire – I like the dig that she didn’t need much help the last time – but let’s be honest here – WE DON’T WANT TO HELP HER! The only person that needs under that kilt is you Claire. And that’s why I love Claire- cause she gives her something, but something that won’t work. It went by too fast for me to see what it was – and all I heard was the word “dung” so – ya, no. The spell she gives – well, that you have to watch to see. But you’ll laugh and then immediately want to trick one of your friends into that.
Upon Claire’s attempt to escape, she runs into a man peeing against the wall. More jump out – and they are about to have their way with her – when Dougal shows up. There is no interpreter to tell her what they are saying, but I am pretty sure it was like “I’ll kick your ass”. Claire says she should go, and Dougal forces a kiss on her as her “penalty for being there”. I’m sorry – why do women have to pay a penalty? How about I shove my foot into your groin and you pay a penalty for touching me you skeezy bald headed douche?
Then again Claire is smart and just knocks his ass out with a stool. She heads to the stables, where she trips over Jamie. Might I say it’s about effing time. Lead with the hotness Starz!
Claire – oh Claire. You’re showing how weak you are for Jamie. Hows that? Cause when Jamie asks her how far she thinks she would get, she’s like divulging her whole plan! NO CLAIRE. Secrets. These two’s chemistry is amazeballs. I’m ready for them to just get it on.
Jamie shoots down Claire’s plan and says he’ll take her back to the castle. Claire tells him what happened in the corridor and why she can’t go back. Jamie assures her it’s all good – no one is gonna admit that a lass got the better of them. Of course trying to get Claire back into the castle, they get caught, and Jamie tries to help, but he gets knocked the hell out.
But he comes to and then gets dressed for the Oath taking. Claire feels shitty cause she got him hurt. As usual Jamie says he’s fine. He goes to pledge his loyalty, and the whole room goes silent. See if Jamie pledges his loyalty, he’s next in line to become laird. So – this is big stuff peeps. Big stuff. If Jamie takes the oath, Dougal is gonna kill him. Basically, Jamie’s gonna end up dead. Claire realizes this is all her fault – and no worries, people assure her it is.
Jamie’s on his knees and then decides to give Colum no vow.
Men are like pulling out their knives, ready to cut Jamie up like a steak at Benihanas. Jamie is pledging his obedience, as long as his feet rest on the land of the MacKenzie clan. Dougal’s coming in closer. Colum accepts this. Now all the men can put their knives away.
Try explaining that one to his future wife. “Baby, I limp cause I fell off a horse onto the tusk of a pig”. Ya, I’d buy it.
Claire hears someone else screaming and takes off after them. She gets cornered by a boar – but luckily Dougal holds no hard feelings over the matter, cause he shoots that boar down.
There was the sickest thing that I have ever seen on Outlander – when she shows the other hurt guy’s wound to his tummy. I literally gagged. But we get to see a softer side of Dougal, as he lets home dude die in dignity.
I’m guessing that men need a moment of truth before death, because they have a conversation about Dougal bedding the dying man’s sister. The man is scared and Claire keeps him calm. Doesn’t take long for the man to die. Dougal’s in tears. They head back to the castle with the dead body and stumble across a field hockey game.
Dougal and Jamie are basically battling it out on the field. Each one not willing to back down. Jamie wins. Score one for the young kid with hair.
Claire isn’t ready to give up on her escape. Dougal heads to the dungeon to see her. She admits she’s seen men die of violence. Dougal thanks her for helping on the hunt. You can tell he cares a little. And then his dickhead side comes out when he tells Claire he’s leaving the next day and taking her with. They are heading out through MacKenzie lands, collecting rents.
So they leave the next morning at first light. Claire feels a little free. She’s determined to make it back to the 20th century and Frank. We’re determined that the only rock that she falls on is Jamies.
Are you ready for next weeks Outlander? Here’s the promo –