The Bachelor Episode 1 – Lauren, Lauren, Lauren & Lauren

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Hi friends. Here we are, back with yet another season of the Bachelor. Between this, the Bachelorette, Bachelor in Paradise, Bachelor Canada and now – Bachelor, Winter Games I think we’re all suffering from a massive case of Bachelor burnout right now.  At least, I know I am. I would rather not see another rose for a long, long time, but here we are.

From the press I read pre-series, I have to fully admit that I do not have a good impression of Arie going into this season. It’s likely going to be another season of contrived drama leading to another failed ‘relationship’ but I guess that’s basically par for the course at this point.

After an insanely long intro, recapping nearly every moment of Arie’s past on the Bachelorette, we finally start meeting the girls that will be after his real estate-selling heart.

Aside from the longer introductions (as those generally indicate the girls that will be around the longest) I’m not going to go into much detail on the arrivals, mainly for the fact that most of these girls will be gone tonight anyway. So it’s just as well not to get attached.




LONG INTROS = LONG TIME ON SHOW (MAYBE)

Just a girl and her taxidermy friends.

Chelsea (29), Portland, OR – She’s a single mom who works in the real estate biz.

Caroline (26), Fort Lauderdale, FL – Another lady in the real estate business. Arie must be really into fellow real estators. 

Maquel (23), Orem, UT – She is photographer and it should be pointed out that she is 13 years younger than Arie, that is a considerable age difference. I’m betting a lot of these girls are going to be significantly younger.

Tia (26), Weiner, AK – Yes, she is from a town named Weiner. Also, she is a friend of Raven’s, who talks and kinda looks like Raven. 

Nysha (30), Anderson, SC – Nysha is an orthopaedic nurse, she seems normal, so don’t expect her to last overly long.

Kendall (26), Los Angeles, CA – She collects taxidermy. It’s weird, but she may be my favourite thus far.

Bekah M., Los Angeles, CA – It is noteworthy that Bekah’s age is not listed with her name and occupation (nanny). This means, she is probably young, very young. If I was betting right now, I’d say she’s 21. Arie is 36. So that’s a decade and a half in the difference.

Marikh (27), Salt Lake City, UT – Marikh is a restaurant owner who kind of resembles a Kardashian sister.

Krystal (29), San Diego, CA – She is a fitness instruction, who seems to film videos at the beach. All I think is that I hope she uses a high quality microphone, otherwise she must get quite a lot of background noise in those videos.

LIMOUSINES AND LAURENS

I do not know what is happening here.

The first limo pulls up the mansion and all of the girls are actually losing their minds. They are so excited they must be about to show up to a house full of puppies, because that’s about the only thing that could possibility elicit such a response.

All the girls begin to pile out and with every lame intro, my cynicism grows more and more. I didn’t even think that was possible, at this point.

As already mentioned, Arie is 36 and the oldest girl to pop out of a limo thus far is 30. Actually as soon as I type that a 31 year old named Lauren enters. Followed by Lauren J at 33. She’s likely the oldest one. At least there is a bit of 30’s representation here.

There are three Laurens. THREE.

… Make that four. Those are at least two Laurens too many because this is going to be all kinds of confusing.

A high proportion of these girls have real estate related jobs. There’s not much in the way of weird jobs this year though, there’s no unicyclists or scented candle makers or anything.

COCKTAIL PARTY

Is Chelsea our new villain?

Before entering the party, Arie has a quick chat with Chris, who asks him what is different so far from this experience, in comparison with the last. Arie says that last time he was “just a boy”. It was five years ago. FIVE. Arie, you were 31 years old then, not exactly a pimply faced teen. 

The girls however, do not share my eye rolling dislike of Arie, they freak out when he enters to the room so much that there MUST be puppies hiding somewhere, there is no other option.

Is it just me or is the ethnic diversity really lacking this year? It seems to be worse than usual, and that’s really saying something with this show.

All the girls are wild about his lips because he is apparently ‘the kissing bandit.’ I think there’s a story here that I am unaware of, but I also don’t care enough to look it up. If you know the answer, feel free to let me know.

Oh, so Chelsea is the villain. Thanks for making that blatantly obvious, producers.

I just realized there’s no token Canadian this year, that makes me sad. But I guess they were busy with the Canadian bachelor. Who was probably one of the worse Bachelor’s of all time, honestly.

I’m really missing the blatant product placement of the Canadian version of this show. They’re drinking nondescript bottles of wine – where you at, Two Oceans?! I guess they don’t have ABC advertising money.

Bekah asks him to name ‘three things that makes you excited to be alive’. Arie answers with: adrenaline, pizza and EXCITEMENT. Dude, literally the only thing that you should not have said was excitement. Oh god, this guy.

He gives the first impression rose to our villain, Chelsea, and the other girls are not impressed. Are they ever, though?

ROSE CEREMONY

10 of these lucky ladies are about to be sent home.

The sun is rising in the background as some of the girls are released from the Bachelor prison and sent back to their everyday lives. Those that continue on the road of hard knocks are (in order of call):
Becca K
Marikh
Kendall
Lauren G
Krystal
Bekah
Lauren S
Sienne
Caroline
Brittany T
Bibiana
Annalise
Jenna
Valerie
Jacqueline
Jenny
Lauren B
Ashley
Tia
Maquel

If you don’t know these names yet, don’t worry, you’re probably not going to need to know them anyway. Also, you have a 1/5 chance that one of them will be Lauren.

Seeya next week!



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