‘College Grad Diaries’ #2: When You’re Scared to Write, You Have a Problem

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Thanks to the positive response to my first College Grad Diaries post in this small segment, I’d just like to say how thankful and grateful I am. From my friends and family members who have chosen to support me and read my content. To my editors who have spent a few weeks with me reading and re-reading my posts making sure it made sense. All in all, I’m glad that my first solo post was successful.

In my previous post, I’d written about my college graduation and the five lessons I’ve learned, and still learning, on my journey. But what I’m focusing on now is the aftermath. The “what now” or “what next” phase. And that’s been the hardest part to write about, or even talk about in my daily life.

Back when I was studying in college, I’d put the “next phase” in my career in the backburner of my mind. I’d focused on my classes, working part-time, updating my resume, and getting good grades. I’d spent so much time going from one school subject to the next within the course of six years, that when it’s all over, I’m left feeling stuck. I’m left feeling in this limbo state of where to go to next. It also didn’t help that I’d had an odd college experience; I’d spent my Freshman year at a private university in an intensive studies program; transferred to community college for my sophomore and junior years; took a year-long hiatus; and came back to finish my senior year in an online program. I’d spent so much time bouncing from one place to another, that when I’d wrapped it all up, my mind has gone to a blank on what to do next.

I’ve talked to a career counselor, John Adams, a few months ago, actually. He was a very sweet, very nice man who showed me that with my type of degree, a list of job prospects for me to try out. We’d discussed many options, from journalism & media to becoming a lawyer.(My dad was really surprised about that one, considering he’s been wanting a lawyer in the family for quite some time.) But even when those sessions ended, I still found myself in a “what now” phase. Like I needed someone with experience to tell me what avenue to jump into as a career.

To be honest, I don’t even feel like I have a career, if that makes sense. I’ve spent sleepless nights studying for a certain career field, only to….not have one? My mind likes to wander off into different avenues, never sticking to one for very long. At one point, I’m a writer; another, I’m a content creator; a blogger; a contributor; a reviewer; a reader. So it’s so many different terms, that the idea of answering “what do you want to do?” scares me. Life is supposed to be scary, but not this scary. Not to the point of where I have mini-anxiety-attacks in my head. Not where I fumble my words and leave a conversation in the dust. It lets the other person think , “wow this girl has no idea what she’s doing.” And I don’t, haha! I totally don’t, and that’s the scariest part. I don’t know if there’s a specific term for these thoughts, but I hope there is.

I’m not saying that I’m not proud of my accomplishments so far. College, graduation, earning my degree, they’re all wonderful moments that I hope to cherish forever. The issue, however, is finding that balance between being scared to start something new, and being stuck and wondering if it’s worth it. Right now, it’s only been a month since school has ended for me, and my biggest goal has been getting my permit/license first, then focus on work later. I still have time to focus on my “career” but I don’t want to take too long. Hopefully, I get some more motivation to write something that will get me out of this funk I’ve been in.

I’ve been using the Headspace meditation app on iTunes to help calm my nerves about everything lately. I’ve never thought much about yoga and meditation before this year, but meditation helps with keeping those negative thoughts at bay. It’s not to necessarily get rid of them completely, but to recognize that they are there and know what to do with them. Headspace has these daily meditations in packs like Patience, Restlessness, Anxiety, Pain Management and more. Andy Puddicombe, the creator of the app, has a very calming, soothing voice that both puts me to sleep and adds insight to my own thoughts and feelings.

Have any of you guys felt the same things I’ve felt, college-grad or not? Let me know, so we can all ponder the meaning of our lives together. Leave comments below! 

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