Raise your hand if you’re ready for another exciting edition of “I’m Only Watching This Once”! Ok, fine don’t. This week I watched one of the many Chicago shows. I think there are 18 now? Or maybe just 4. I’ve seen a couple episodes of Chicago P.D. mainly because Sophia Bush, a.k.a. my girl Brooke Davis, was on it. Rest assured, even though I’m kind of breaking one of my rules, I don’t remember much. I mean I did remember that it’s kind of in the same vein as a million other cop shows, but it’s set in Chicago instead of New York City.
For my first column I attempted to do a recap of Mr. Robot’s season 3 premiere. This time around, since this is a procedural type of drama with some long-form stories mixed in, I thought I’d present to you my illuminating reactions. Let’s get started!
A cop and his son, or nephew, or little brother, are arguing about turning in a paper late. I can relate, not because I have to I have to worry about another human life not following through on what they’re supposed to, but because I still turn things in late and I’m in my early 30’s.
There is a guy, a Sergeant (fun fact: I spelled that without being corrected, you’re welcome), who sounds like Christian Bale as Batman if he had smoked 15 cigarettes. I’ll call him Sergeant Batman, because I’m clever like that.
Sergeant Batman and his crew make bust at a drug house and stumble upon a shed with a scared little boy and 2 dead kids. I didn’t expect to be depressed so fast.
The police figure out that the owner of the drug house is clueless about the shed and the kids. BUT he did indirectly kill the other kids by contaminating the water with meth. He’s like a small-time Heisenberg, except Heisenberg intentionally tried to kill a kid. Poor Brock! (If you don’t know that reference then I high-key suggest you watch Breaking Bad.)
The found kid was adopted and then given away by this crappy vanilla couple. Mom couldn’t handle the kid because 1. he was the wrong kid – if that’s possible and 2. he was too rambunctious or some other bland excuse. She was only with the kid for, like, 2 weeks! Dad, who hasn’t even seen this kid in days because work, kept calling the kid “son” and every time I reacted with a facial expression similar to that squiggly-mouthed emoji.
Anyways the mother of crappy vanilla couple found some sketch website and decided to give the kid away. They called it re-homing him. I’m too afraid to see if this is an actual thing people do. Also, hasn’t this couple heard of fostering?
Cops figure out that the crappy vanilla couple re-homed the kid to child traffickers. I didn’t expect to get even more depressed, but here we are.
Sergeant Batman said, “Re-homey punks,” and I’m sure this is the only time I will laugh during this episode.
Two cops go undercover to meet with the re-homey punks and this was my exact reaction when there was another even worse vanilla couple.
The even worse vanilla couple doesn’t take the bait and then the cops followed them. The father, from the crappy vanilla couple, is suddenly in a rage and threatening vanilla couple number 2 at gunpoint. He keeps yelling about how they took his son.
Let me just stop and re-cap here for a second:
Mother from crappy vanilla couple couldn’t handle newly adopted kid so she gave kid away.
Dad from crappy vanilla couple has no clue kid was gone because he was too busy working and yet he’s STILL calling this kid his son. Now he’s threating to kill the even worse vanilla couple. Insert eye-roll emoji here.
Back to cop business: the cop with the son (or nephew or whoever he is) also has a daughter (or niece or whoever she is) and she was almost raped. WHY IS THERE SO MUCH TALK ABOUT CHILD ENDANGERMENT ON THIS SHOW?
Cop dude is stressed about these kids (me too, bro) and confides in his cop partner. He throws out the re-home option and she says no. So it turns out that he’s a caretaker of sorts and, also, I knew this would be reflective of the case – just like all Grey’s Anatomy episodes have surgeries and character stories that play off one another.
Back to the procedural aspect of this show. The even worse vanilla couple confess that the don’t actually traffic the kids, thank goodness! They do, however, take cash for the kids and then give them to some creepy guy. WTF?!
Cops track down the creepy guy and he gets interrogated by Mon-El. Apparently Mon-El left Kara, a.k.a. Supergirl, for a police gig and not his home planet.
The last 10 minutes of this show were a whirlwind of bad cop antics, violence, and even more disgustingness (totally not a word but we’re talking about child trafficking here) involving child trafficking. Seriously, they show a website that looks like a page for an animal shelter but it’s really a disguise for child trafficking. If I hadn’t seen a documentary about something similar I would’ve thought this was completely made up.
During a stake-out/stand-off with some guy who is affiliated with the creepy guy. Clearly I can’t keep up with names. Sergeant Batman doesn’t even hesitate in shooting this random guy who held a girl hostage.
After the stake-out/stand-off Mon-El saves releases the children. Yay! Mon-El is good for something after all! Sorry I’m so salty. I thought Mon-El was bland. I digress.
Sergeant Batman got all the violence out of him when he shot that creepy dude so he just calmly threatens the child trafficker and whispers something in his ear.
And that, kids, is the end of this episode of Chicago P.D.
Will I watch again? Maybe? Mostly because I’m a sucker for a decent cop procedural. Fingers crossed there aren’t any more dead children or child trafficking story lines.
Join me next time for another fun-filled, informative, and enlightening re-cap of another beloved drama that I’ve never seen! Oh and hey! Leave a comment with a show suggestion!
Chicago P.D. airs Wednesdays at 10/9c on NBC.