Liz’s Drunk Reviews: The Covenant

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Last night, I decided it would be a good idea to watch the 2006 movie The Covenant and write a drunk review about it because… content you know? Apparently, Drunk!Me decided that it would be better to just list out her thoughts about the movie, in no apparent order and just let Sober!Me deal with it.

Before we get into My Drunk Review, let’s just summarize this movie. For those who don’t know what this movie is about…good. Just kidding. Maybe not. Anyway.

According to the IMDB summary, The Covenant is about:

“Four young men who belong to a New England supernatural legacy are forced to battle a fifth power long thought to have died out. Meanwhile, jealousy and suspicion threaten to tear them apart.”

A good concept right? And honestly, the movie did pretty okay at the box office. The early 2000’s was Peak Emo-ness tbh and the movie fell right into that little niche where it could thrive. It was just….terrible.

Honestly, I’m very tired (NOT hungover) so I don’t know if that little intro made any sense. Let’s just get to why you’re all here.

So, below, please find all of my drunk thoughts re: The Covenant.

PLEASE NOTE: THESE THOUGHTS ARE ALL OVER THE PLACE! IT DOESN’T GO WITH THE FLOW OF THE MOVIE DON’T @ ME ABOUT IT OK??? kthanks.

  • sebastian stan jump started my crush on bad boys and I will never forgive him for it
  • caleb is the Mom friend
  • chase collins is a name you have to say both the first and last name together you can’t just say one
  • this movie was written by a man and u know it based on the things the girls say/how they act/what they wear (who wears tighty whites and a crop top to bed)
  • can you believe that both of these girls were in She’s the Man?
    • AND STEVEN STRAIT MY SKY HIGH HEART I LUV U
    • also lowkey: these boys all just do movies/shows together like chace and seb in gossip girl?? chace and the blondie in that baseball movie?? they’re all a package deal tbh
  • hi, yeah, everyone in this movie is so gay
    • sebastian stan looks like he’s getting a blow job after being punched
    • the kissing scene between chase collins and caleb
  • they named a character pogue….that’s all
  • oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo witchy
  • where did chase collins go since there was no body found??
  • why did caleb say he was running an errand then take the girl (WHAT IS HER NAME WHY CAN’T I REMEMBER IT) to a creepy, abandoned house in the middle of nowhere
  • why is caleb’s mom in love with him
    • also why do they use the word “seductive” so often I do NOT like it!!!
  • there’s so much sweating with these boys esp while they sleep like jesus get some air conditioning or medicine omg
  • their speedos are so so so tight and so sososososo small
  • this is the first thing you see when you wake up in heaven: 
  • how did they get into a bar
  • joan jett?? why? because she’s ~unique~
  • too much metal music
  • the concept of this movie is GREAT and then they just….do that
  • how did they lose her at the dance when she was with them the whole time
    • I also love the story telling trope where THE BIG DANCE also happens to be the same day of his EIGHTEENTH BIRTHDAY like how WEIRD!!! ALMOST LIKE IT WAS F A T E.
  • Chase Collins standing on the bell tower like the true gothic angsty teen he is
    • this is also where seb stan perfected his murder walk don’t @ me
  • teenage boys? meeting? in a basement filled with candles? and magic books? unrealistic and very extra
    • this movie is just generally so over dramatic and extra
  • iconic lines include:
    • his eyes were as black as the night in the pool today!
    • wiatch
    • oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo witchy!
    • the entire miss muffet monologue/threat
    • so, why do you call them “The Sons of Ipswich”? what are they, like a boy band?
    • it’s not like it’s gonna kill us……………………..yet
    • boys and their toys
    • i’ll show you what girls do
    • just girl stuff
    • harry potter can kiss my ass!!!!!
  • the boys trying to Out Man the other is Real in this movie cc: pogue (POGUE) taking off his jacket to expose his muscles in front of chase collins and chase collins subsequently taking off his flannel for some goddamn reason
  • no shower shoes? where is your shower caddy? why are you walking around in a towel?
    • what was the point of that spirit who was that? was that ever explained?
  • fuck this movie it’s so terrible but i love it so goddamn much
  • ADDITIONAL THOUGHT: so many tight speedos
    • god bless whoever decided Swimming was the Sport of Choice:  
  • also: why do their voices become all echoy when they get all ~witchy~?
  • also ALSO: why is Spenser (Also why is it not spelled “Spencer” like a normal school?) a legit castle? It’s like a gothic, mid century castle that should house like royalty not horny students
    • everyone in this movie is so horny
    • see above point about how everyone is hella gay
  • extra point: the ending of the movie?? was terrible??
  • there was no real closesure
    • like yep chase collins is dead alls right in the world thank u and goodnight
    • except THEY NEVER FOUND THE BODY
    • SO LIKE!!!!! WERE THEY PLANNING A SEQUEL??
    • probably i would watch it OR A PREQUEL ABOUT THE DADS!
  • the ending was so bad i needed a wrap up of where everyone ended up
    • like did caleb and the girl get into harvard?
    • did pogue (POGUE) and his gf get back together?
    • what about caleb’s powers?
    • I NEED ANSWERS
  • TERRIBLE ENDING 1/10

The Covenant is available on Netflix. Feel free to watch it, but just be warned…you might need a few drinks to get through it (If you’re of age of course).

Tune in next time to see if I’m allowed to do another My Drunk Reviews! Let me know what movie I should do next in the comments below! And make sure you sign up for our newsletter!


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