‘Riverdale’ 2×12 Review: Interning for the Mob

The CW

There are so many things I would rather see than Archie be a secret undercover spy for the FBI. I’d watch him parasail while singing ballads to Veronica. I’d watch him go on the Bachelor: Riverdale Edition, because let’s be real, he’d be way better than Arie.

Papa Poutine Bites the Dust

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As I’ve said before, and I’ll say again, Archie is the worst spy. Papa Hiram Lodge welcomes him into the family business with open arms and makes him his errand boy. Why he would want a red-haired teen with sub-par music skills, that’s a question to be asked at a later time. He’s just not that good at it. When he overhears Hiram Lodge’s mobster friend PAPA POUTINE plan a coup with his fellow comrade, he lets the big boss know. Why is a mobster’s gangsta name referring to a dish of French fries, gravy and cheese curds? It’s not very menacing! Also, doesn’t Archie realize if he tells Hiram, Hiram is obviously going to kill the poor guy? Its mobster 101.

This storyline has carried on for so long, I just don’t really care anymore about the Lodges’ evil SoDale project, and whatever they’re planning for Riverdale. It’s obviously bad, but bad enough to drag it on this long? When Veronica argues with Archie about how bad her dad is and their evilness, I just wanted to shake her and demand the truth. Woe is me, I guess, because we probably won’t figure out what’s going on until the very final episode when Riverdale is swallowed by a sinkhole or a Hellmouth.

#Bughead Back Together Again

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Meanwhile, Jughead and his Serpent friends are being profiled and accused of beheading the Pickens statue. The Sheriff and his hot girlfriend Mayor McCoy make it known they won’t tolerate any of the Serpent Shenanigans and try to evict them from their trailer park. Does every Serpent live in Jughead’s trailer park haven? Why haven’t we met more Southsiders who aren’t Serpents? Is every Southsider a Serpent? I’m very confused.

The Mayor wants the head back, but of course, Jughead and Co. don’t have the head. Surprise, surprise its discovered Tall Boy is behind it! Well, Tall Boy and Penny Peabody, who’s back to offer her services to the Serpents. They both try to throw Jughead out of the Serpents and we’re worried for a minute, but they’re foiled quite easily. The whole dramatic experience brings our sweet Bughead together and the entire fandom screams with joy.

What’s Your Story Chic?




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Now, to the drama I care about. Chic! My sweet, dark, long lost Franco brother. We’re given a brief moment of Betty donning her dark wig and wearing a lace bra, talking to what can be assumed to be a creeper friend of Chic’s. I want more of this Dark Betty, I demand Dark Betty, but she’ll probably be put on the back burner, now that she and Jughead are back together again. One of Chic’s scary friends with a bad haircut shows up ominously and meets a grisly end. Post sexy rendezvous with Jughead, Betty walks in on her mother cleaning up an awful lot of blood with gloves, looking like she knows what she’s doing. Who is this sketchy friend? What’s going on?? How awkward was that conversation between Chic and Betty where he explains how to cam? Can we get that as a deleted scene?

Around Riverdale/Musings

  • Hal hates Chic and wants Alice to choose between them. Can Hal just go away?
  • The whole episode was centered around Veronica’s confirmation and honestly, I’m just so confused why she was doing it so late.
  • At the confirmation, Josie and Veronica make a show of “making up” and sing The Verve’s “Bittersweet Symphony.” It’s the strangest duet ever, mostly because Veronica is walking down the aisle like some bride while singing.
  • On that note, how does Josie not know the song “Bittersweet Symphony”?
  • FP has made his return! Still no Alice/FP content though and I am not happy.
  • “What’s your price Penny?” Try to say that five times and super fast.
  • A+ for transforming Pop’s diner into a seedy poker game venue. Where did that glass lamp come from?

Agree? Disagree? What did you think of the episode?

Riverdale airs Wednesdays at 9/8c on the CW.