Things are going down in Riverdale this week. Everything seems to be falling apart and our sweet innocent teens are getting in way over their heads. Wait scratch that, they really aren’t that innocent. Let’s dive in shall we?
There’s a Dead Body in the House
Last week the last few minutes of Riverdale showed Alice ferociously cleaning up blood of a guy Chic whacked in the head and killed. Alice cleans up blood like she’s Mr. Clean, but not before roping in Betty to help. Hal almost ruins everything by showing up to pick up “toiletries” which is some grade A b-s. If Hal left and never returned I honestly wouldn’t be mad about it. I’d probably throw a party. The Cooper women wrap up the body and dispose of it in an old sewer pipe Alice used to hang out in. What kid hangs out in a sewer pipe? I’d like to know more about Alice’s tragic past of seeking refuge in a pipe. The next day Alice and Chic are totally and completely fine, while Betty is freaking out like she’s a protagonist out of an Edgar Allen Poe short story. Meanwhile, Jughead is worried Betty isn’t really into him anymore after they banged. She eventually confesses her family’s crime to him and Juggie, being the Best Boyfriend Ever™, helps her dispose of Drug Guy’s car by sinking it in what can be assumed to be Sweetwater River. Has anyone in this emo town noticed Sweetwater River does not live up to its namesake? First Jason, now this sketchy guy’s car. Later on, Hal shows up to his house to accuse Chic of stealing his watch and wonders what else he’s been up since the house now smells like bleach and their dining room carpet is missing. Chic plays up his emotions and acts like the victim, while Hal berates him. His acting skills are A+ given how few lines he’s given in this episode. Betty promptly kicks him out, after discovering via Cheryl, her dad is cheating on her mom with Penelope Blossom. Juggie tells his dad about the whole mess and FP helps destroy the body through sketchy means. Apparently, after goofing up covering up Jason Blossom’s murder, he’s the most qualified to deal with this body. I ain’t mad about it, because it brings my favorite non-existent yet couple together: Alice and FP. Their chemistry is off the charts and god I just want them to make out.
Archie is Officially “Part of the Family”
Also in Murder-ville, Archie is wrecked about his part in Papa Poutine’s death. Veronica is also sketched out about it, looking actually worried about her parents’ shady dealings. Archie steps in to be a friend/comrade/confidante (?) to Hiram Lodge, and informs him his daughter is totally bugging and needs some assurances her dad did not, in fact, kill a guy. I don’t know when Archie became Hiram’s right-hand man. The turn from “this boy sucks” to “yes, I’ll take your advice Archie” was so fast. Hiram tells her and she seems to be fine again until they threaten to put Mayor McCoy in line. McCoy is not ok with being threatened by Jughead’s expose on her involvement in the SoDale project, and the Lodges’ sketchiness. While at dinner the Lodges’ parentals mention it might be time for them to reveal McCoy is having an affair to force her to step down. Veronica feels guilty and goes to McCoy to encourage her to spin the narrative, and McCoy steps down before any dirt can get out. Sketchy FBI Agent is still hounding on Archie to get some real dirt on Hiram. He threatens Archie’s dad, and gives him a bug to put in Hiram’s office, but Archie is not playing around. Archie tells Hiram straight up and I’m confused because didn’t Hiram just kill a guy? Why would you tell him you’ve been colluding with an FBI Agent?? At the end of it, its revealed that the FBI Agent, wasn’t real (shock!) and was hired by Hermione to test Archie’s loyalties. Guess what? Archie passed and now he’s part of the family. Goody for him.
- Cheryl threatening Hal is my aesthetic.
- Penelope/Hal is the true anti-OTP. As in, they are the one true pairing I’d like to see leave Riverdale
- Are we never going to come back to that weird moment where Cheryl was totally into Josie???
- Where is TONI?????
- When will they ever give Chic more than thirty words to say?
- WHEN WILL FP AND ALICE BE A THING????
Agree? Disagree? What did you think of the episode?
Riverdale airs Wednesdays at 9/8c on the CW.