Yes, Kanye, we’re asking ourselves the same fucking thing. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.
If there is one show that I wait all year for – it’s The Royals. I am addicted to the drama, the intrigue, and feeling like I have a little look inside the royal family (even if this one is fake). I am not going to lie to you, I thought about boycotting this season, because of the whole Mark Schwann thing. But, I will be as equally honest when I tell you that I didn’t feel that not supporting the show was fair to the cast and crew who I so desperately love, because I love this show.
They did nothing wrong and they deserve our unwavering support.
I am so excited that The Royals has returned and that they returned with a fucking vengeance. Now let me tell you I have my loyalties and I love my ships. I will ride this shit out until Jasper and Eleanor are together forever.
But as we dive into the season premiere, lets start with the big thing – the thing that we hate and wish would find himself back on a deserted island – Robert.
When we left off last season we knew two things (1) Robert was going to become king and (2) Robert didn’t deserve to be king. I wanted to like Robert, I really did. I wanted him to return. I remember at the end of season one or whatever episode it was that we saw him face down on that island. I called my best friend screaming. We waited on pins and needles to see what would happen next.
But one thing we learned last season, Roberts fucking nuts. He is legit certifiable. The man deserves to be locked in the tower, the key thrown away and fire breathing dragons heating his ass up. He is a dick. He is horrible. He is Satan reborn.
I think you get the point.
It’s easier for me to wrap my thoughts around this episode by breaking it down into sections. So lets do this.
Eleanor Finds Herself
We’re big fans of Eleanor. She’s strong, she’s witty, she’s sharp. She just want to be loved and her heart was broken. Only, she doesn’t know that it was broken because her brother is a deplorable piece of shit who took Jaspers letter and left his sister heartbroken. We also find out the Sebastian is in her life because her brother orchastrated that too. Now, look, I will be the first person to say that Eleanor on her own, away from her family is a good thing.
It’s a great thing. She needs to learn what life is like out of the spotlight and she’s doing just that. She’s always the Princess, but traveling and opening hotels is good for her. She realizes that she’s more than just the second spare. She’s a strong, confident woman who deserves to be loved and live.
We see her growth. We see her stubbornness. We see her get held at knife point and as shitty as it sounds, it takes that for her to realize that she’s gotta make some changes. She’s gotta confront the past.
Now, look – I have always hated Sebastian, cause he’s too cocky and self centered for me. But after he checks on Eleanor and makes sure that she’s okay, my heart swells two sizes. Cause as much of a dick that he is – you can see he genuinely cares for her. We find out that the letters she’s been getting have been coming from Jasper and I am gonna admit that I cried.
I love those two. I love their will they, won’t they, they shouldn’t, the should perfection of a relationship. But what I love is that that they can look past the bullshit and they can just love each other.
I love that she sat up all night and read all the letters. I love that it motivated her to go home.
Here’s the thing about Eleanor, there is nothing that happens that she can’t rebound from. She doesn’t realize her strength, but as the viewer, you do. You see it, you believe in it, and you go with it.
And at the end of the day you wish that you could be that strong and wonder if you ever will be.
Liam Learns From The Previous Spare
Now, I love me some William Moseley. Look – I am not above admitting that British accent, those abs and that jaw porn is fucking hot. I can respect that. I can believe in that.
I can get on board with that.
But I love this character of Liam. I am totally on board with King Liam and I was waiting for it to happen, but then King Psycho returned (and I am not talking about Cyrus). But what I can respect about Liam is that he knows that his brother is crazy and isn’t willing to bow down to him because it’s “protocol.” He knows Roberts a dick and he’s not afraid to bring him down.
No matter what it takes.
I’m only confused as to why it took Katherine being hurt for Liam to be pushed over the edge. Like I just would have thought that Liam would have been really motivated long before that. To me, it feels like this whole fight is over a girl, though I know it’s about so much more.
Liam goes to Cyrus to get lessons on how to scheme and plan so that he can take his brother down. We know Cyrus doesn’t want Robert around – cause he wants to be king. But what I love about seeing these two together is that I feel like Cyrus finally has a purpose.
Now it’s a shitty purpose, but I am all for this shitty purpose because it will hopefully lead to Robert being taken down.
Liam doesn’t back down.
He doesn’t let duty rise above his ethics. And I can respect that.
But what doesn’t make sense to me is that Liam always seems to go back to the things that will hurt him. He goes back to check on Katherine, when he should let that go. He should move forward. It’s like what he did with Ophelia. The moment he’s apart from someone, he heads straight back to make sure that they are okay.
But what I do love about Liam’s story line is that one day he’s going to be able to stand up and be like, “Haha mother fuckers, I told you he was fucking crazy.”
So Liam and Cyrus have been going to this restaurant for a few months and Liam is trying to figure out why. Turns out that the waitress is a bankers daughter and that banker probably moved a fortune that Robert used to hire Ted Price to kill his Dad.
Ya, you read that right. Tell me again how Robert isn’t off his rocker.
Liam goes against his good boy ways and starts to date the girl. I’d like to be mad at him for it, but I hate Robert so much, that I am willing to overlook the crazy shit these people do in order to make him go away.
I am interested to see Liam’s devious shit unfold. I can’t wait to see what happens. I can’t wait to see him rise above and take his brother down. I think it’s only going to make him a stronger king.
Cause mark my words people, one day Liam will be King.
The Queen Is Kid Blind
I love the Queen, but she’s irritating me cause she doesn’t see that he kid is crazy. He distracts her with telling her that she can plan a royal wedding. We’ll get into that in a second though.
Robert Is Deplorable
I have never hated someone as much as I HATE King Robert. Now, I get why some people can’t see what a dick he is because they obviously are smoking something or so heavily medicated that they can’t see a crazy lunatic is right in front of them.
Robert is a piece of shit.
I get that things from your childhood can traumatize you and for him – when his Daddy said that he was going to abolish the monarchy and that meant that Robert would be you know… a commoner. Umm, please someone explain to me how that’s such a bad thing.
Like I get it, everyone has trauma. But that’s not trauma Robert. That’s not lets hire someone to kill our father kind of shit. That’s not fake your own death kind of shit. All your exhibiting Robert is that you have short small can’t get hard dick syndrome. Ya, I said it.
Robert challenges everyone but the women in his life. Them he manipulates and that shit pissed me off. Women are not weak creatures. We’re not so easily distracted by good looks that we can’t see a douche bag. Cause trust – we see this douche.
Robert has to exert himself over Cyrus to show that he’s won, but like it’s not necessary. You know you’re a deplorable piece of shit, you don’t have to keep proving it Robert.
- He picks fights with his brother for no damn reason except to be a douche.
- He manipulates his Mom and sister in order to maintain control
- He manipulated his sisters relationship so that she’s not with the man she loved.
- He added Willow to his wedding list to piss off his brother.
- He made Katherine feel so bad about herself that she has to leave.
- He’s manipulated Willow.
And we will always go back to the fact that HE HIRED SOMEONE TO KILL HIS FATHER!
He tries to make himself look like a good person, like he’s trying to do everything for London and for a split second – I was like ok, I can learn to like him.
BUT – nope. He did something I will never forgive his dumb ass for.
Now, I know that Robert made it clear to Jasper he wasn’t to contact Eleanor, but please explain to me why – just because he wrote her letters – that he thought it was okay to do what he did. Let’s get to that…
You Fuck With Jasper, You Fuck With Us
We’re totes team Jasper up in here. BUT LIKE how is it that no one else seems to be pulling for their love story? Jasper knows he fucked up. Jasper knows he did wrong. But like he’s doing what he can to fix that.
Jasper see’s Roberts bullshit. He knows that he’s gotta stay in the good graces so he can stay near Eleanor. I can respect all this.
But what Robert does – and hey, I know it’s not official that he did it – but setting Jasper up to get shot, ya, no. YOU KEEP DIGGING YOURSELF IN ROBERT.
That’s right. Jasper got shot. I am not okay with this. I am not okay with it ending with Jasper on the stage, and as he passes out, Eleanor texts him.
WHY THE FUCK DO PEOPLE KEEP GETTING IN THE WAY OF MY SHIP!!!
Not cool. You fuck with Jasper, you fuck with us.
The Royals airs on E!.