The Bachelorette Premiere – Chickens, Models and a Colognoisseur

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Welcome to another season of the Bachelorette! After “the most dramatic season ever” of The Bachelor (lol we hear that every year) what will this season bring us? Will there be more tears for Becca? Exotic locations? SKY TRANSPORT? You know the answer to all these things is a resounding yes. Buckle up friends, let’s begin.

If you’ve ever watched any of these series before you can 100% guess where we begin this season – reliving Becca’s last days on the Bachelor. We get to watch that cringeworthy moment when Arie dumped her on national tv. The whole tear-filled drama is replayed in detail

Despite what went down with Arie, Becca is optimistic about becoming the Bachelorette. We see a series of shots of her talking to her mom, doing some exercising, driving a convertible down the coast, etc.

GIRL TIME

Showing off their rings or reaching for mimosas? We’ll never know.

Before limo time at the mansion of perpetual tears, Becca meets up with some Bachelorettes of yesteryear (Kaitlyn, Jojo and Rachel) to get some ‘advice.’ Interestingly, all of the last few girls are still with the men they met on the Bachelor. None are married yet, but meh, whatever, it’s impressive they have all lasted this long.

Another interesting tidbit dropped is that all three women ended up with the man who received the first impression rose. Who knew that first rose was so powerful?

The girls break out a giant piece of sage to ‘cleanse the house’ of its ‘bad juju’. Jojo says that in her first night the room was filled with a ‘bunch of drunks’ which is refreshingly honest.

LONG INTROS

I have a feeling we’ll be seeing a lot of this guy.

Historically, those with longer intros have at least made it to the final few. However, this trend was broken last year, because the winning Lauren did not receive a long introduction. So while one or more of these guys will likely make it far, its not a guarantee that one will be our ultimate winner (thanks for keeping us on our toes, producers).

Clay (30) – Pro Football Player, Chicago, IL – He is jacked (as a football player usually is). He is a family man and says that says “Becca has a lot going for her, besides her looks” – thats nice, I guess? (I actually like him already, he seems genuine).

Garrett (29) – Medical Sales Rep, Reno, NV – Garrett starts his intro with a weird accent, I’m not sure which part of the states he’s supposed to be emulating though, sorry! He loves the outdoors and seems a bit corny in a good way.

Jordan (26) – Male Model, Crystal River, FL He says his ‘brand is the pensive gentleman.’ Alrighty then. That’s pretty much everything you need to know about Jordan right now. Don’t worry, we’ll see more (A LOT MORE) of him later.

Lincoln (26) – Account Sales Executive, Los Angeles, CA He grew up in Nigeria, he is crazy fit and his mom gives him a hard time about finding the right person. I feel you, Lincoln.

Joe (31) – Grocery Store Owner, Chicago, IL “I deal in produce but one thing I haven’t produced yet is love”. I’ll just leave that there.

Jean Blanc (31) – Colognoisseur, Pensacola, FL Our first weird job title of the season! Jean Blanc is life collector of “accoutrements” (I won’t lie, I had to Google the meaning of that).

Colton (26) – Former Pro Football Player, Denver, CO Our second football player of the season. Colton played professionally for a while, but had to retire early due to an injury. He is now the founder of a non-profit cystic fibrosis foundation and seems generally very likable.




LIMO INTROS

Oh Chris, what would they do without you?

As per other seasons, the introductions of 20 odd people can be very drawn out and boring. In the interest of time, I’m only going to discuss the notable entrants, because we know most of them won’t be making it past the first (very long) night.

Colton is the first one out of the limo and they shoot off some confetti cannons, that’s a messy way to start, Colton!

As Jean Blanc enters, Becca comments that ‘he smells so good’ so I guess it’s mission accomplished for this colognoisseur.

Leo gets out of the limo sporting an amazing head of curly hair, its so thick and luscious that I have some major hair envy going on. I would keep him around just to ask about his conditioning techniques.

As Jordan (male model) enters, he is very, very concerned with what the other guys are wearing as he apparently spent six hours picking out his attire for the night. I am unsure if that is typical male model behaviour but it seems a teeny, tiny bit excessive.

Mike (sporting a classic man bun) shows up with a cardboard cutout of Arie so that he can see her ‘looking as happy as she is tonight’. In reality it would be great it could have given him a little kick (cardboard Arie, not Mike), but that’s just me.

Garrett shows up in a minivan because one day he ‘hopes to be a great dad and husband.’

Blake made his first appearance in the After The Final Rose special riding on horseback. So he shows up the mansion riding a bull? I think it’s a bull. He’s also sporting what I can only call a dusty rose coloured blazer (which was the colour of my childhood bedroom, I guess the 90s really are coming back). Oh it’s an ox. Forgive my bovine ignorance.

When Jake gets out of the limo, Becca realizes that she already knows him as an acquaintance, as he is from Minneapolis.

Trent arrives in a hearse because ‘when he heard Becca was going to be the Bachelorette he literally died.’ Hard pass on this one friends, hard pass.

David gets out of the limo dressed as a chicken and I wanted to make fun, but as he makes his way over to Becca he transitions his chicken noise of “be-kaw’ to ‘bec-ca’ and it’s actually pretty clever. I like him.

COCKTAIL PARTY

Men, suits, coiffed hair, chickens, what more could a girl want?

Connor, who very strongly resembles Jordan Rodgers, is the first person to pull Becca away for a chat. Model Jordan is not too pleased about this. Connor is very happy to be there and his he tells him ‘his heart is open for her.’ You should probably have that checked, Connor.

Clay gets Becca to play with literal clay so that she remembers him, which is a bit on the nose but also clever. He actually admits that he watched her on the Bachelor, which is refreshing because a lot of the guys seem to have no idea how the whole show works.

Chris helped developed the Venmo App (I also had to Google that, I am getting old).

Former Harlem Globetrotter Christon decides to spice up the evening a little bit by getting Becca to play a little basketball with him. Christon sets up a pretty cool Globetrotters trick with her (also you should see them play if they ever come near you, they’re pretty cool in person) and the other guys join in for a quick round of ball. This provides us with a rare look at just how many cameras are filming them, it must be so intimidating to have so many cameras all up in your business, at all times.

Chris Harrison quickly pops out to do 33.33% of his job for the evening – aka placing the platter full of one rose in front of all the guys. That Chris, always earning his keep.

David the chicken also works at a private equity firm, which seems the opposite of a guy who would dress up as a chicken, so I continue to like him.

Garrett teaches how how to fly fish… in the mansion pool. You gotta do, what you gotta do.

Chris says that Chase may not be there for all the right reasons because he knows his ex girlfriend who sent him a text about Chase. He pulls Chase aside to have a little bro chat with him. Chase says he barely knew this girl that Chris knows and he said he’s definitely not there for the wrong reasons. That seems to end the chat.

However, in his chat with Becca, Chase brings up the situation (as in the literal situation, not the character from Jersey Shore, we can only hope that happens someday) and gets really awkward. Chase runs out of the room quickly to go round up Chris so they can all chat together. Chris says what he heard about Chase (all these C names are hard to follow, I know) and the awkward chat continues. They both leave and Becca is understandably a bit bewildered.

She starts wondering if any other guys might be there for the wrong reasons, and decides to call in Jake, the guy she knows from her hometown. Becca is a bit weirded out that she’s met Jake a bunch of times and he’s never shown any interest until now. She’s very skeptical on his intentions and decides just to send him on home, right away. Not often someone doesn’t even make it to the rose ceremony on the first night.

In other news, I can’t recall his name right now but one guy has an Expecto Patronum tattoo, so he very quickly just went to the top of my list.

After all that is taken care of, the first impression rose is give to Garrett. So watch out for him going forward, because based on past bachelorettes, he just might win.

ROSE CEREMONY

The first cut… is the deepest.

There a LOT of roses on the table in front of Becca, meaning we are  going to be in the land of ‘wait, what is his name again?’ for more than a few episodes.

Jordan tells us if he doesn’t get a rose it would be the ‘biggest upset of all-time and it wouldn’t be fair to Becca”. He obviously doesn’t think very highly of himself at all…

In order of call:
1. Lincoln
2. Blake
3. Ricky (who?)
4. Jean Blanc
5. Christon
6. Clay
7. Wills
8. Connor (Jordan Rodgers lookalike)
9. Jason
10. John
11. Ryan
12. Alex
13. Nick
14. Trent
15. Colton
16. David (Chicken)
17. Jordan the model
18. Leo with the hair
19. Mike (man bun)

Final Rose: Chris R

That leaves us with a whopping 21 guys! Notables not making the cut are Joe the grocer and Chris/Chase. I guess she didn’t want drama on the first night.

Well, the first week is over! Stay tuned each week as we make our way another season of drama, tears, and whatever else awaits us.




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