It’s hard to believe that we’re already at Hometowns for The Bachelorette — or The Luke P. Show — but here we are. Which means that we’re getting closer to Luke P. getting sent home, right? RIGHT?
Ugh. Whatever Hannah sees in Luke, the rest of the world surely doesn’t. Except maybe the actors he hired to play his family (I’m only half joking, here.)
The Bachelorette has actually produced some great guys — when they weren’t breaking up with their girlfriends or going on the show still dating girlfriends or just trying to advance themselves. Well, all I know for sure is that Tyler is one of the good ones. Peter, too, I think.
The Bachelorette brought us to hometowns, which introduced us to three welcoming and one very unwelcoming families that had to embrace the idea of their sons going onto a show to find love in two months. All’s fair in love, I guess.
Though as far as I’m concerned, the only two guys that matter were the ones whose hometowns aired during the first hour.
Fuck half of you.
— God (@TheTweetOfGod) July 8, 2019
Half of you being the ones not named Tyler or Peter.
Let’s take a look at our Bachelorette power rankings after Hometowns (where, shocker, there’s still four guys remaining!)
Let’s be honest, Tyler has been No. 1 for a majority of this season. And it’s not just because he’s a total hottie, although that doesn’t hurt. Tyler is a walking Nicholas Sparks’ novel protagonist. At first glance, he’s a hottie. But once you get to know him, as Hannah has, you see that he’s so much more than that. He cares and loves deeply. He’s supportive in everything Hannah does. And he stands up to sexist assholes that try to tear her down for it. He defends Hannah in everything she does — even if it’s with another guy. Because he recognizes that it’s her decisions to make, and he respects that.
God, I could go on and on…
But let’s get to hometowns, which brought a familiar sight that is Jupiter, Florida. I live about 20 minutes from Jupiter, and it’s really a beautiful town. Getting to see Tyler bring Hannah to Square Grouper and show her the beauty that is Florida was a joy. But watching what happened when Tyler brought Hannah home reminded me exactly why I’m all-in on Tyler. He’s one of the few good guys on this show without a girlfriend or without looking to further his career.
Tyler’s emotional reunion with his dad — who was in a coma for 10 days and almost died — had me crying. Their tear-filled hug and the conversation that followed — had me crying. Watching Tyler’s dad tell him that he thinks Tyler is in love with Hannah — had me crying. Watching Tyler’s dad preach about the meaning of love to Hannah — had me crying. Basically, Tyler’s hometown was beautiful and emotional and if Hannah doesn’t pick him, there’s something wrong.
I love you, Peter, but the only thing that could get you to No. 1 on our power rankings would be if some horrible revelation about Tyler was revealed (PLEASE NO.) So, Peter, enjoy your permanent fixture at No. 2 on this list because there’s nothing you could do to go lower than Luke P. or Jed. Within reason. Anyway, Pilot Pete brought out his plane because that’s what you do. And it didn’t feel conceited, unlike a certain other someone that keeps flaunting his music career every chance he gets. It was cute, except when Peter wasn’t looking when he was flying his plane — PRIORITIES, PETER.
When Peter took Hannah home to meet his family, it was the kind of welcoming environment any girl would dream of. His family were lovely people that were happy to see their son happy. Oh, and Peter’s dad stole the damn show, and he was technically the first dad to make me cry during hometowns (as Peter’s aired before Tyler’s.)
While there were reports that Peter broke up with a girlfriend before the show, I don’t hold it to the same regard as Jed, who was still dating his girlfriend when he came on the show with the promise to return and keep dating her after he’d promoted his music career. Peter comes off as sincere, unlike the final two guys in these power rankings.
I didn’t think there would come a time when Luke wasn’t dead last, but then there was a little someone named Jed that stole his thunder. Another week down, another week where Hannah still hasn’t sent Luke P. home. Seriously. The guy can’t make it any easier, he’s throwing up a dozen red flags like roses week after week. Though I guess I can’t be entirely surprised that he’s still here, given the fact that there were no interactions with the other guys, which tends to bring out the real Luke P.
Luke P’s hometown involved his family, who I swear were hired actors because they spoke so glowingly of him. Almost as if Luke P. had written down everything he wanted them to say about him. Because it didn’t sound AT ALL like the Luke P. that has made his presence known on this show. For the love of God, even his family asked Hannah why the hell he’s still on the show. To which she replied, “I don’t know.” C’mon, Hannah, if you’re not sure, then let him go.
Oh, but don’t you worry, Luke P’s shining moment is coming next week for Fantasy Suites, where Hannah’s about to finally wake up and realize she should’ve smelled the red flags Luke P’s been sending her way since the beginning.
Then there’s this asshole. The only asshole capable of breaking Luke P’s streak of dead last in our power rankings.The guy that had the nerve to feign hurt when Hannah lumped him in with Luke P. At least when Luke P. lies it’s not about the girlfriend he left at home, told her he loved her and promised to return to her after he went on The Bachelorette to promote his music. Oh, wait, that’s Jed.
Jed is a horrible musician, but a fantastic actor, as far as I’m concerned. Because since night one, he’s been playing Hannah like his stupid guitar that he can’t ever seem to put down. Seriously, I’ve never seen a contestant play as much music — and suck — as Jed has. So for his hometown visit guess where Jed took Hannah. On a beautiful stroll of his hometown — psych, a music studio, duh. And they made sweet, horrific music together.
And don’t even get me started on Jed’s family, who were practically telling Hannah about Jed’s girlfriend, Haley, without telling her. Whether it was Jed’s mom’s toast to honesty being beneficial to all (ouch) or Jed’s sister telling Hannah it’s not good for them to be in love (double ouch) or the dead-pan look of misery of his family sitting on that couch glaring back at them.
When your own parents are pissed about this whole thing, that’s when you know you’re in deep shit.
The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC.
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