‘The Royals’ 4×06: And You Thought Your Family Dinners Were Crazy

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“Everyone will be on their best behavior.”

Well those are words that no one should ever say, because when they do – no one is. It’s time for another round of The Royals or as I like to call it “lets hate on Robbie for the rest of time” .

It’s a new week in London and as usual there is so much drama that you become thankful for your life and your crazy family that really isn’t so crazy after all.

Or maybe they are.

THE QUEEN GETS OLDER

Birthdays are a bitch. We all have them, but when you reach a certain point – they just become something you may not want to celebrate. However, when you are a Queen, parties are black tie and filled with all sorts of drama. Especially when you have to put everyone in your place.

I guess that is what happens when the family comes to visit.

Lets rack up what is going on – Helena’s sleeping with Sebastian and she’s feeling like she’s left out because there is a new Queen a coming.

So Sebastian shows up at the birthday dinner and she tries to make light of the situation, even though she’s freaking the fuck out.

Everyone is sitting down for dinner and Eleanor thinks that Sebastian has been invited to come between her and Jasper. Liam’s brought Katherine and Robert seems to have taken issue (even though that fuckface said he was fine with Liam dating her). The Grand Duchess is making stabs at people.

The Queens had enough. She is used to the drama – cause lets face it – that’s what this family is good at. They wouldn’t know a mild night, even if they were on a lot of Xanax and wine. They’d still be wound so damn tight that you’d wonder if they had a stick up their ass.

As they are trading jabs – the Queen tells Robert to walk away. As usual he’s suffering from limp dick syndrome and pulls his “i’m the king” bullshit. I mean, sure, he’s the King, but he’s a douche first – so there is that. I stood up and cheered for Helena as she threw her wine across the table and it got all over his tux.

Too bad he didn’t choke on it.

So Robert decides to stand up and tell everyone that him and Willow are getting married. WHY ARE YOU STUPID WILLOW? Like she used to not be stupid, but then it’s like she gets too close to the center of power and she looses her damn mind.




Everyone was shocked.

The Queen is having a hard time because she has to make a balcony appearance. She’s getting older, but she thinks that it’s a tradition that should be long gone.

After the arguments everyone returns to the table for birthday cake and Liam decides to give a speech on how he’s going to repair his family. BUT – I am not buying all of it. There is something more going on here. Something I don’t understand as of yet.

The thing about this family is that they all need to be medicated.

WILLOWS LOST HER DAMN MIND

You know why you don’t get distracted by pretty, shiny things? Because then you end up like Willow. And what is that? Well that would be dumb as fuck and distracted by it so that you actually say yes to psychopaths who propose marriage.

Look I know that to her Robbie is being nice, but she should see that with what an asshole that he is to others that he’s a piece of shit.

Look, I want to like Willow, I do. I did at first. BUT now – I am like ugh, why does she even exist? When is she going to have the courage to be like “no Robbie, you’re a douchebag.” And aren’t there all sorts laws being broken here? Does she feel pressure to listen to what Robert says cause he’s her boss? Like I can’t think of what would be the reason that she puts up with his shit.

Can we all just agree that Robbie is trash?

Now, don’t get me wrong I want to think better of Willow. I do. But, she’s making it hard.

The Queen eventually welcomes her to the family. I wanted her to be like bitch, run – but no such lick.

JASPER WANTS HIS DADDY TO GO HOME

Jasper is a good guy. Sure, he’s made his share of mistakes and we’ve accepted that. BUT him and Eleanor have moved forward and if she has, then I am moving forward with them.

Jasper however knows that he wants to keep the family that he has chosen for himself and he knows that his Dad is pulling a con on them. So Jasper tells his Dad to go. But lets be real, is the con man gonna leave the cash cow? That’s a hard no.

It broke my heart when Jasper was like you missed my spelling bee as a kid and then at the dinner he’s able to tell him that he was there. Of course no one but Eleanor knew that he was talking about Jasper.

But hey – things get worse. Jasper let down his wall for a hot second and then he gets slammed with the truth he didn’t want to hear. Remember Jasper getting shot? Well, turns out that it was his Dad that shot him. Yes, that’s right. Daddy dearest shot his ass.

I would beat the shit out of my father.

His Dad gets drunk and goes into Robbies office. He calls Robbie’s bluff and tells him that he needs to make things a little bit right. That Robert’s issue with Jasper is that he is common and that if things aren’t made right – that someone will run a story on Robert’s jealousy and the fact that he’s behind the story that ran on Jasper.

Wouldn’t that put a wrench in Robbie’s plans… but I’d love it. I’d love anything that sent that piece of shit running for the hills.

When it comes to Jasper and Eleanor, all I want is a happy ending. I want them to continue to find their way through all the storms.

The two of them are like two pieces of a puzzle that fit perfectly and fit no where else. They are like peanut butter and jelly, macaroni and cheese – so bad for you – but so perfect for you at the same time. You don’t want to quit them, you’re faced with the fact that at some point – someone is going to make you quit them (please don’t cancel this show E!), but you put that out of your mind.

Because Jasper and Eleanor give you hope. That hope may not always be healthy – because their relationship isn’t always healthy. But you’re willing to put in the therapy, take the meds, and do what you need to do to make it work. Hope is never fleeting. Not with them.

OTHER THOUGHTS

  • Cassandra shows up at the weirdest times, but she spews truth all the time. I think I hate her, but I’d like her with Robert more than Willow. Cause Roberts destroyed her.
  • I am always annoyed by Prince Hanzel.
  • I hate Robert.
  • Did I mention I hate Robert?
  • I am convinced that Willow was drugged or something. Cause she has got to be high. That’s the only explanation.
  • Robbies making Jasper a Knight. Well… if that’s the best he can do.

The Royals airs Sundays on E!.





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