‘The Royals’ Review 5×07: Robert Is A Jackass. I Repeat Robert Is A Jackass

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There is so much to be said about The Royals. It’s one of those shows that you know is ridiculous, you know it’s not reality, but you’d rather quit the news than quit this show. You love some characters, you hate some characters – but no matter what, you are invested in them all. No matter what you feel – good or bad – you are in this shit for the long run.

At least that’s the way that I feel about The Royals.

Now, here’s the thing – even though I am invested in this show, I would not be sad if Robert disappeared. Back to a desert island, down a deep hole, written off the show… you know whatever it takes to not have to look at his smug face. I mean, sure, he’s pretty to look at, but like such a disgusting human being that I don’t care how pretty he is to look at.

Judge me, but the hate for this character is strong.

This week, my hate for him grew, my confusion over what the hell Liam is doing grew, and my love for Eleanor has grown. Seriously, lets all be bad ass like Eleanor.

But that all being said – we gotta break it down (as we do) cause truth tea needs to be spilled. Well, at least my truth tea.

The truth is that The Royals is doing something right – they are making us feel. They make us feel love and hatred. And for me – I feel too much. Let’s start with Liam.

I MISS #KINGLIAM

Look, Liam has long been one of my favorite characters, but I have grown annoyed with him over the past few episodes. Why? Because he seems to have lost his backbone. Like he used to stand for something and lately, all he stands for is cowering down in the face of his family.

For the first few seasons, Liam was strong. He was evolving. He was becoming more than just a Prince. Now, he seems like he’s lost his fucking mind or his balls. He started off the season so strong, but he failed miserably at keeping that strength.

Now I don’t want to lose faith in Liam, because he’s still a good man.

Even though I don’t understand him.

Here’s the thing – Liam is back with Katherine, which I don’t get. I mean like – your brothers been all up in that and you want to take seconds? Nope. I say nope. That being said, I miss Liam having sense – but then historically he hasn’t ever had sense when it came to women. Except Ophelia – that was the best woman for him.

So Liam decides to invite Katherine to the gala for his fathers memory (WHY LIAM WHY?), where his entire family will be. As they are having breakfast, and kiss in public – here comes the Queen rolling up. She tells them to get in the car and I cringed. What kind of trouble were they in? Well, she told them not to be kissing in public – that it had to be about Robert and Willow right now. That they could announce Liam’s relationship in a few months.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?

Liam agrees and his speech from the Queens birthday dinner is biting him in the ass. This is why you never make these kind of commitments Liam. Don’t say you wanna be better. Don’t give people shit to throw back in your face.

Unfortunately, Liam doesn’t get that concept.

Katherine agrees to go to the event, but not as Liams date. She’s just going to be there that way she’ll be part of the royal social scene, but at the same point, she’ll be near Liam.

But that’s where shit gets more complicated.

ROBERT IS STILL WORSE THAN DOG SHIT

Yes, I say it like it is. Or you know – how I really feel. What can I say? Lets take a step back.

So, Willow and Robert are excited for their future. Or you know, Robert is faking that he is – cause that’s what he does. He makes her feel like she’s the most important person in the world – which is the one thing that I give him kudos for. Cause like every man should make their woman feel that way. But Willow, poor Willow (and I say poor Willow, because something has gotta be wrong with her to fall for his bullshit), is blinded by the potential of a crown.




And it’s driving me crazy.

Let me be frank women of the world – lets all not get distracted by the peen. Yes, good sex is a great thing, but like great sex doesn’t pay the bills – well all the time. But that’s up to the people involved. Great sex doesn’t make everything ok. It’s a momentary high. And lets face it – Robert has delusions of grandeur and I am calling it now, that extends to his penis.

But I digress.

So, Willow and Robert are going to make their debut at Simon’s memorial gala. Willow doesn’t get just what that means.

See, she’s driven by what she see’s online and she thinks that people want the family to be relatable . BUT – lets be honest,  I don’t want to relate to the Royal Family. I want to dream about the family. I want to think about the glitz and the glamour. I want to dream about what it’s like to be a Princess. I want the mutha fucking fairytale. Relatable? Shit, nope. I only want relatable from celebrities, but even then I only want the facade of relatable.

But most little girls dream about being a Princess. Don’t take those dreams away, Willow.

The Queen invites some reporters to the palace to meet Willow, and tries to craft a romantic story. BUT Willow thinks that she has a romantic enough story. So she starts to tell them the truth and the Queen is not having it. She tells the press that Willow can tell her story.

Now Willow says that she’s just an ordinary girl. You know what, I like the idea of an ordinary Princess – that’s part of why I love Meghan Markle. But even then I am not dumb enough to think that everything I read in the press is her reality. I don’t think we know her at all. Willow, even as a fictional character, no one wants to know all about you. They want to know the illusions of you.

But Willow gets a quick taste of what ordinary means. Trolls. I mean sure trolls are going to come no matter what, but they are out to prove just how ordinary that she is. And so Willow goes to the Queen and admits that she made a mistake. She should have listened.

YES YOU SHOULD HAVE.

The Queen isn’t having the apologies. She’s however taking satisfaction in the fact that she was right and Willow was wrong. Willow isn’t sure that she can take the trolls, but hey – she signed up for this.

So move forward to the gala, and Robert tells Willow that he’ll do the talking. But she says that she can do it – she needs to learn if she’s going to be Queen. Umm… learn from your first mistakes Willow. The press gets to be too much and so Liam steps in to save her. He knows how to deal with the press, which Robert doesn’t seem to know how to do.

So in order to distract, he introduces Katherine as his girlfriend. Willow is appreciative. She knows Liam saved her. Robert is a dick, thinking Liam took the spotlight from Willow.

When will this douchebag learn to be appreciative?

Nope, he just shows how even more douchey he is.

Robert decides to up his scumminess and propositions Katherine. Lord, I want to like her, but when she agrees to meet Robert in his room, I want to strangle her. And she does just that.

She GOES TO HIS ROOM.

And he’s arranged it so that Liam catches them. Sure they haven’t done anything except proposition each other and Katherine says she wants him. BUT like WHY!!! WHY!!!!

Liam tells her just to go and when she does, he asks Robert why he has to take everything from him. And then Liam falls for his shit when Robert tells him that he’s looking out for him.

Here’s the thing – ROBERT IS LOOKING OUT FOR NO ONE BUT HIMSELF.

Why is Liam agreeing with his brother? Why is this all ok? UGH. Whatever Cyrus did to Liam, make it stop.

ROBIN HOOD UNDER THE STAIRS

Eleanor has been the character that has grown the most over the past few seasons. She has stopped thinking solely about herself and instead has started thinking about the world around her. She’s been on this Robin Hood thing – stealing from her family to give to the poor. BUT she realizes that she’s gone too far and given away her fathers gold pen.

In a house full on many gold pens, what could be going on? Well it turns out that this pen is the pen that her father signed many important treaties with. But most of all it’s the pen he signed all their birth certificates with, his marriage license with, all the important things in their family.

Eleanor knew that she had to get the pen back, so she enlists Jasper to get it back with her. Now, lets be honest here, we have to give one to Eleanor that she’s actually remembered where she’s given shit away. Well lets give her two – cause she’s smart enough to know Jasper is going to do whatever she wants. So the two go break into the house where she’s left the pen.

In the midst of doing that Jasper breaks a stitch and starts bleeding. As he sits down so she can get him some ice, she finds the pen and the people come home. They go hide under the stairs – like some Harry Potter stuff – and then after some romantic exchanges – she’s like “yup, nope. getting Jasper to his knighthood ceremony.”

So they come out from under the stairs and the people there are shocked to see them. I mean I would be too, but I would more be like Princess or not what are you doing under my stairs?

The two make it back to the palace, but not before Jasper gives the couple the watch that Robert had given him. I don’t blame him. That watch was probably laced with poison.

I DON’T TRUST ROBERT. 

Here’s the thing I don’t get about Robert is that he’s so caught up in his sisters love life, that it’s disgusting. Like why is he so interested in who his siblings are loving on. Let people live.

OTHER THOUGHTS

  • Nothing gave me greater pleasure than when the Queen dismissed Willow.
  • Willow is a reminder of why not to think with your vagina.
  • Liam is pissing me the fuck off. I can’t hang with him.
  • The Queen is amazing – she’s pulling her shit together.
  • I hate Robert.
  • Did I mention I hate Robert?
  • Seriously, I hate Robert.




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