Like fetch, it’s never, ever going to happen. Ever.
I watched this hour so you wouldn’t have to, so enter here those who wish to avoid the Skinner crap. I’ve got all the good parts for you.
The Mulder and Scully parts, obvs. After 11 seasons, we’re not here for any of the other shit.
Also, if we somehow avoided Skinner’s backstory for ten freaking seasons, why was season 11 the right moment to give it to us? Haven’t you hurt us enough already, Chris?
(Rhetorical question. The answer is you have. You truly have)
Kidding aside, I really have nothing against Walter Skinner. My problem is I also have nothing in favor of Walter Skinner. I have no feelings for Walter Skinner. He was there sometimes, and I didn’t hate him but I certainly didn’t love him and I really, really didn’t need to know more about him. If there was ever a time where I marginally liked him it was when he wasn’t taking screen time away from Mulder and Scully, aka NOT THIS EPISODE.
To be fair, there have been Skinner-centric episodes before, I’ve just forgotten about them, and I’m the kind of person who doesn’t forget anything unless she actively puts her mind to it. So, the only thing this episode has taught me is that, in some ways, I haven’t changed that much since I was a kid.
I still only care about Mulder and Scully. So let’s discuss the little Mulder and Scully we got in “Kitten” and pretty much ignore the backstory about the dude we don’t care about told by other dudes we actively dislike.
WE CAN STILL HAVE ENTIRE CONVERSATIONS WITHOUT SPEAKING
The whole point of this episode was to show that Mulder and Scully don’t need actual words to, you know, do the talking thing. I’m not sure if it’s a script thing or a David and Gillian have known each other for so long this shit just happens, but yeah. They talk with their eyes and OMG THEY’RE SO MARRIED WHY WON’T LET THEM BE HAPPY, CHRIS.
But, of course, since this is a thing that happens naturally and not a thing that has anything to do with Skinner, I could have just gotten it in an episode about something I cared about. Which, I’d say includes most things, but then there are people like Jeffrey Spender in this universe, and if you wanted to spend time on HIM I’d be even less enthusiastic than I am now, so I guess I do care for Skinner a little bit.
Not enough for this episode, but a little bit.
AND WE FLIRT EVEN AT INAPPROPRIATE MOMENTS
Because when you love someone you flirt even over severed ears, because there’s nothing that can stop the flirting AFTER SO MANY YEARS OF NOT GETTING ENOUGH SEX. Or, wait …if you don’t get sex do you still flirt like this? Or is this the kind of flirting you do when you have regular sex? I’m not sure.
What I am sure of is that Mulder and Scully should be having more sex. In fact, it’s a crime that, at this point, the show isn’t just X-Rated and they go at in every room of the freaking house for 40 minutes an episode just to make up for the time you took away from them, Chris.
Hell, even at Skinner’s apartment. I wouldn’t have complained.
Other things to note:
- I’m still bitter about Skinner being in my intro.
- A WAR IS NEVER OVER, hahahaha is that us in war against you, Chris?
- This The X-Files episode was directed by a woman, which makes sense, even when we get something, it’s something mediocre that no one else wanted.
- YES, I SAID WHAT I SAID.
- Hey, Deputy Director Kersh, another dude we care nothing about!
- Like Skinner’s middle name. I didn’t really care to learn what that was. Wait, did we learn that before? Meh, I don’t care enough to check.
- Monster out in the woods is all Mulder needs to hear, even after all these years.
- IF THE ROPE WAS RIGHT THERE WHY DID YOU HAVE TO JUMP IN, MULDER, WHY?
- I can never unsee Walter Skinner in those pants. Never.
The X-Files airs Wednesdays at 8/7c on FOX. It’s currently on a three-week hiatus, due to the Winter Olympics.