Can we talk about the art of the granny pantie? Look, I don’t care what you say – they are fucking comfortable. Wearing a thong is like having toilet paper between your butt cheeks constantly rubbing against you to make sure that you wiped your ass. Nope. I’ll take some great fucking shape wear that tucks in all the right places. Squish me like sausage casing. I guess it’s a point for dickhead boss that he likes the sausage casing panties. Shapes that ass! I would also like to state she ain’t that heavy if Hugh Grant can pick her ass up. Also guys – if some guy ever says to you HELLO MOMMY when he’s about to bump uglies with you – RUN ALL THE WAY HOME! DO NOT REMOVE GIANT PANTIES!
Yup as you can tell I am on my third glass.
Can’t stop laughing. Oh, I am all for Mum’s getting a job, cause like occupy yourself. BUT never, ever do I want to hear about my parents issues or problems. Like the moment they say no sex life — I AM OUT.
I just can’t.
Moral of this – APPRECIATE THE PEOPLE THAT YOU HAVE! How elfin hard is it? Don’t ask what elfin is – i don’t know. I barely know where my wine bottle went.
Ok here’s my rule on vacations with the fuck boy. A vacation with the fuck boy ONLY is in town. You need a place to run. Let’s all be honest with each other – if they are your fuck boy – they are a lot of people’s fuck boys. You should know better. Also – known fact you will run into the person you don’t want to see when you look like shit. Known fact.
But I see you looking at her Mr. Darcy – you want in her sausage casing too.
OH FUCK – don’t ask a fuck boy if he loves you. HE DOESN’T LOVE YOU. He loves your vajayjay on M, W,F only. That’s why he’s a bold face liar. Also if fuck boy leaves you on vacation – he’s got his T, Th, Sat piece at home.
Oh wait – he’s getting married. Of course he’s getting married. Of course he’s been cheating with you. Let’s all wish that his pecker falls off.
If you can find it.
Oh I hate her boss.
But here’s the thing – when a man breaks your heart – you don’t let him see you are hurting. YOU YELL! You don’t let him turn shit around on you. You don’t let him hurt you. I mean ya, you can hurt – but you hide that shit deep. You don’t let it affect you!
You don’t let him knock you down.
That’s right! Rebound Bridget! Don’t let it get you down. Move on with your life to bigger and better things!
I am cheering on Bridget right now. Cause like call his dumb ass out. Make him suffer. Embarrass his ass.
I couldn’t slide down a pole either Bridget! My hat goes off to the people that can.
I am not sure why it is that Bridget doesn’t realize that Mark is for her. I would have slid down that pole. Oh fuck, I made a dumb ass pun.
But I can’t stop laughing.
If Mark sat there and said he liked me very much, my panties would have fallen there. I woulda been like hell yes you do bitch! And then I woulda been like dump fuck girl first.
But then when he goes ahead and gives you an exclusive interview. It’s like he’s basically throwing himself on your bed naked Bridget.
Guys – I can’t cook. Like I like to think I can cook but I can’t. However I can order Postmates like a fucking champ. Only don’t fall for their $9.99 delivery shit – cause it’s a lie.
Let’s really talk about it guys – Mr. Darcy. She’s got him in her apartment. She took a shower. When can we have them together? I like together. I like the way he looks at her. I want a man to look at me that way. That look like you are the most beautiful thing in the world.
But as my friend if you showed up and he was there – I would expect you to turn tail and run.
Also – never tell me that my blue soup is good.
Respect me enough to tell me it’s bad.
FUCK YOU DANIEL CLEAVER! Go away. Why the hell are you there? Go back to your fiance. And Tom, don’t be an asshole – as a friend – send his ass right back out the door. Why is it we always fall for the bad penis and when the bad penis shows up – we have a moment of weakness.
I love that the good guy always comes back.