Drunk Movie Reviews: Fifty Shades of Grey

There wasn’t any pressure here to pour some alcoholic beverages and sit back to watch Fifty Shades of Grey in anticipation of 50 Shades Darker. Hell, I am excited for Darker. Christian Grey can ask my ass to slip into or out of anything darker at any time.

Jamie Dornan is fucking hot. I know he’s married – but I can appreciate a hot man. And that man is a work of art.

Truth be told – I’ve had kind of a bad day, so I’m going to have to ask someone to proofread this and make sure I haven’t pledged my vagina to a character in the movie too many times.

First – I wanna give props to Anastasia for her homely look and ponytail. Girl, I get it – interviews are fucking miserable. That shit is not easy. No effort. Totally understand. I have been there. Hell, I live that shit. Ask Nicholas Hoult – the first time I met him, I looked like the undead (granted, I was an extra in Warm Bodies – but that’s besides the point).

Walking into Grey Enterprises, seeing all the supermodels. Fuck that – I would turn tail and run. Maybe you shoulda put effort into yourself, that is what Ana is probably telling herself. But I give her props – homely takes courage. I know it, I live it every single day. It’s hard to not succumb to the way society dictates you should be. But how fucking miserable those ladies must be with their hair pulled back that tight in that kind of a bun. That shit looks good on no one.

Well it does on them, but let me be bitter over here drinking my vodka and eating my lucky charms.

That shit is magically delicious.

Let’s all be honest – seeing the hotness that is Christian Grey, I would have fallen too, over the doorstep and flat on my fucking face. That man does things to the lower half of my body that I didn’t know my vagina was capable of feeling. Seriously, it’s like screaming, “Lady, don’t you settle until you find a man like that.”

But what does it know?

I wouldn’t be able to ask him questions (I mean I hate interviewing people) – I would be wondering what was in his pants. I mean – I know what is in a man’s pants – but like what are we working with. Does he know how to work it? I mean it’s not always the size ladies – a man has got to know how to use it.

Pro-tip: Look for a man that can dance, cause at least then you can give him directions, like “Bro, we’re on an 8 count, that was a 3 count. We need to be on rhythm.”

But I would have gotten distracted with his fucking rudeness. Like interviews are hard. That shit isn’t easy. Have some compassion. You try talking to someone you don’t know but you think you know. Beautiful people – famous people – scary breed man.

It’s not easy.

But I digress. His pants. That fucking smile. Hand me a contract – my ass is signing up for whatever kinky fuckery he wants. Without punishments though – cause I didn’t even take grounding well, so nope. Quid pro quo – you know what I am saying, Grey?

“Physical pursuits” – ya, you do big boy.

Let’s be honest – if Jamie Dornan/Christian Grey came at you – your inner goddess would explode and a change of panties would be needed.

“Look at me.”
“I am.”

Yup – my panties would have been off. Skirt would have been up. Look, I am shallow and I get distracted by the pretty.

But, I could never live in the Pacific Northwest. I don’t do good in rain. Like I fear I would melt (reference to me being a witch – which I am not, but like Christian, people say I have no heart).

Kate, oh Kate… you seem like a good roommate, but like here’s the thing (1) You seem a tad bit overbearing and (2) You took the damn sandwich. Not sure that I like that. I’m a fat girl and if you mess with my food, I will titty or junk punch you. Shit, like there are boundaries in the roommate agreement. Not many, but (1) you don’t touch my underwear and (2) you don’t fuck with my food.

Let’s talk Jose. Ana girl, we all have that boy in life that is a BFF. He doesn’t get that he’s not a GYWF (guy you wanna fuck). Like, we wanna like you dude, but I have second hand embarrassment for you. And it’s not the good kind. It’s the kind that just made me take an extra shot and pray that I pass out so I don’t have to look at you try and do whatever the fuck you are doing. The kind where you wanna just retreat like into a hole.

Guys – let’s be honest. If Christian Grey showed up at your work – you would probably pass out. I would. But like the stuff he’s asking for – and he tells you that he is not redecorating?  Umm… girl, Ana – watch what you say. Like that shit will get you into trouble when you don’t know someone. Everything is so leading. For all you know his red room of pain is mobile (memo to myself – don’t tell people about the red room of pain, if they don’t know about the red room of pain). GIRL – he’s fucking you with his eyes.

Is it just me or watching this does it seem like Jamie got some botox in his upper lip and now it won’t move? It’s really stiff. Watch it. Seriously. It’s scary. It’s like a body part that has never had sunlight and is now screaming for recognition.

Coffee. Now I like to take my coffee alone. I know, I know – they are all about tea, but everyone has some faults. Is it just me or is this relationship moving fast? I wish some man would tell me to eat – I’d slap him into the middle of next week. Don’t fucking tell me what to do. And also – Christian is really fucking nosey. Like he asks a lot of questions and then he pulls away. I would be like – you are a nut job. Make up your mind dude, do you wanna know something? OMG – you need a medication readjustment.

“I’m not the man for you. You should steer clear of me. I have to let you go.”

That’s all you gotta say.

Deuces bitch. You get to miss out on this platinum vagina. That’s what Ana should have screamed at him. But hey, we’re coming to one of the most priceless scenes. Ana drunk calling Christian. Now, we all stand to learn a thing or two from her on the art of the drunk call. Like, it’s fucking art. Normally, I just call and make a penis insult or request. Maybe that’s my problem – I’m not being flirty enough.

But hey – what do we gotta do to get the girl a good phone. Like not even my Grams has a flip phone. Like, I feel bad for her. Imagine what it takes to text? I don’t know what I would do. Fucking first world problems.

But again, I digress.

Christian showing up – I get that billionaires may have access to shit that we don’t. But if you are stalking my ass down and can hack into my phone to figure out where I am – it’s called a restraining order. Like that’s creepy. I don’t blame you if you wonder if he put a tracker in you Ana. But I do have to say – I fucking hate Jose when he’s trying to hit on her drunk. That’s like fucking low and a cop out. Grow some balls Jose and say it sober.

My lord.

Now Elliot, I would be having trouble choosing between brothers. Holy hell, it’s like being slapped in the face by hotness. I wanna run my fingers through his hair. The only issue is – he has better hair than I do. I find a problem with that. Like if a man has better hair than I do (unless you are Harry Styles, cause there is always time to love Harry Styles) then there is a problem.

But waking up in a strangers hotel room with an eat me and drink me sign? First of all – who wants OJ after they have puked. Nope, it’s almost as bad as drinking milk. But I for the life of me can’t understand how the fuck when Christian eats her toast she didn’t say take me right there. Cause if he was that close to me, I wouldn’t be able to not do naughty things – and by naughty – I mean I would let him show me what it means to not sit down for a week.

“I’m incapable of leaving you alone.”

Again – Ana’s missing all the signs of a restraining order.

“My tastes are very singular.”

Next question should be, “You don’t act like a baby during sex, do you?” (Look it was on a recent episode of The Royals, so who fucking knows). Singular tastes – that leaves a lot of questions.

The elevator. Holy fuck. THATS RIGHT FUCK THE PAPERWORK! Pull that emergency button. Don’t lie people, we’re all rewinding a lot to see that over and over again. And for the rest of our lives, every time we are in an elevator with a hot dude, we’ll be asking if he wants to tell us to fuck the paperwork.

Again – we experience second hand embarrassment. Christian saying “Laters Baby” – I can’t. Let’s focus on the line, “Fuck the paperwork.” Cause the laters baby thing – NOPE. That’s just NOPE.

Now, maybe it’s just me – but I don’t think after a few days I would be this smitten. Maybe it’s the alcohol in me, but my hormones need a lot more to be wooed. My vagina does not focus after like 48 hours. It rebels. It wants to be wooed. Who knows though, maybe a billionaire would make it have a mind of it’s own and I would be all up on that like a moth to a flame – or you know, a person who hasn’t had sex in a hot minute and is in need of some really good peen.

Holy hell, how much have I drank? Well, I wont answer that cause it’s a lot.

OMG – I am praying no one I know reads this.

I can’t blame Christian for the NDA. Can’t be too fucking careful.

3rd time I am experiencing second hand embarrassment.

“Are you going to make love to me now?”
“I don’t make love, I fuck.”

Well, yes you do big boy.

Let’s talk the playroom. Ana girl, you are better than me. I woulda ran. Now I talk a big game, but I don’t want to be strapped to anything or flogged or whipped or things entering my body that shouldn’t be there. I live on an exit only strategy.

I mean go on girl, get your educational experience, but like fuck dude, you coulda built up to that shit. Like wine and dine a little bit. But no – it’s like here’s my playroom, be prepared to please me or get punished. I am shaking my fist at you Christian Grey – I don’t get you.

No, no you will not punish me. I dare you. Put your hands on me and I would flog you into the middle of next week.

Look – maybe it’s just me but Christian is often presumptuous for being so damn smart. Like, he has no idea who Ana has been with. And look at that she’s a virgin. Dumb ass, Christian!  Anyone else wanna teach him what that means? I say all this, but I know my ass would be staring into Christian Grey’s eyes (if he looks like Jamie Dornan) and saying, “I am yours. My body is your wonderland.” I am fully aware I am teetering here, but like whatever.

I fully admit I love this movie.

He’s gonna rectify the situation? Come on over and we can talk about a good rectify of the situation. Ana is a lucky bitch. Shoulda shaved her thighs, but she’s a lucky bitch. I lost my virginity to someone I would rather forget and he definitely didn’t have an ass that I could bounce quarters off of. Nope, his ass was droopy. TMI – I know, I know.

Let’s all be honest, this whole Ana and Christian sleeping together for the first time is shot beautifully – for weirdness that it probably contained. All those people watching. And then taking her back to bed by the piano. I mean – I was expecting a little Pretty Woman going on here, but beggars can’t be choosers. And I am here for all of this!

The real MVP of all of this though. Anastasia Steele. Lost her virginity and she gets up and cooks breakfast. Nope – now, stay with me. I’d be like you’re a billionaire and I am owed some Postmates at least. Now the tub and the bath – like that’s what you should be doing men. Take care of your woman.

Overlook the fact that her hair looks like it was done in the 80’s and never found it’s way out of that time period. Girl, not a cute look.

But Ana, hold out for some Postmates.

Now, one thing I have to give Ana props for is that she’s actually analyzing the situation – not just saying yes to being his automatically. Cause I would be full of all sorts of questions and more concerned about why the fuck he’s not submitting to me.

Dear God – can you imagine Christian Grey submitting.

“Which ones yours?”
“All of them”

A man with so many cars is worrisome. It brings me back to my first question – what is inside of his pants. Like, are we proving something here?

“This is the contract.”

Where can I find a man that will have the Apple guy installing a new computer at my house. Coulda at least come with an upgrade to that fucking flip phone. First missed opportunity to upgrade her phone.

 I have one – computer that is and definitely a smart phone – I know I do. But I want the new one. I am greedy. I also need a desktop versus my laptop. If you feel like donating Christian – you let me know.

Kate – of course Ana looks different – she was deflowered. Or whatever – cause everything I wanna say here is dirty.

Now, I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t wanna be told what to do with my new laptop. Of course, reading this contract, I would need a computer. If I ever get into a sexual relationship that needs a contract, I need to have my head checked. There is no man that can tell me what to do with my body. Like nope. Hell no, don’t google submissive Ana. But girl, I don’t blame you for the “It was nice knowing you.”

Those pictures gave me nightmares. I wonder what would happen if I googled vanilla sex. Never mind – I shouldn’t speak.

But that’s right – get him to show up. Sometimes a girl has got to play games. That shit ain’t always easy, but men need a push in the right direction. I don’t blame Ana for looking down when he takes off her pants. I would be reevaluating life and wondering when the last time I waxed was.

Important to keep that shit on the regular. I know, it’s painful. But pro tip – take some Advil and a shot before hand. Prepare for the pain.


But don’t let no man manipulate your decisions with his penis. Girl – don’t fall for that shit. The penis is a distraction. The penis is alternative facts. The penis does not change the man.

Do not be distracted by it!

Now, I love Ana coming in and taking this meeting like a boss. LIKE A BOSS. Don’t get distracted by the peen. Know your limits – however soft or hard they may be. Come ready to dominate. YES GIRL – have that pencil. Correct all the shit he overlooked. Put that penis on notice.

I mean with how much he likes to talk about sex, he’s now just the penis to me.

That’s right – strike anal and vaginal fisting. Nope. Nothing that big should be going inside you.


Butt Plugs? Again – exit only strategy.


Again – Ana running this meeting like a boss. That’s right – have control over your own vagina girl! Nothing goes in or out of an orphas without consent. High five girl!


“Let’s say I did stay. What would happen?”

Bite that lip and show him who is boss. Thank him for the meeting and go. I love it.

Who runs the world? GIRLS MUTHA FUCKER!

Okay, okay – lets fast forward a little bit. A man wants to give me a car? Well, it’s a lot. I mean if I still have a flip phone, like there is a line that is too much. This was his second opportunity to upgrade the flip phone. I mean shit, let’s not keep missing chances here Grey. Ana has every right to be pissed. She may have signed her vagina away and time in the red room of pain – but control over every facet of her life? That’s some fucked up shit. Hard limit. Where was the line for hard limit for that one. Though, what kinda car are we talking about? Cause you know – I poor and they expensive.

Ana has to wonder what the hell she’s gotten herself into. Yup, right there, crying on the phone with her Mama. She’s wondering. She’s questioning. Ana, I get it – we get distracted by the pretty faces. It’s normal. But it’s okay to run the opposite fucking way too. Why is it that Kate is the one being reasonable and understands that this is too much for Ana?

For once I am clapping my hands for you girl! You are realizing this shit is CRAY!


Keep focused on the pretty face. Keep focused on the pretty face. That’s what I keep telling myself. Look, I am not against S&M – too each their own. But me, I acknowledge the fact that vanilla ain’t so bad. Maybe it’s fear – maybe it’s whatever. But the thing that’s irritating me most – if he’s gonna braid her hair, like at least run a brush through. Like girls like to be pampered. And you can see on her face – she’s reconsidering. She’s scared. Don’t be a douchebag Christian.

What I am learning from this red room of pain –

  1. There is a time when gravity is nice and everything hasn’t dropped.
  2. Men can braid.
  3. I am too much of a control freak and I couldn’t give that up, not even for Jamie Dornan/Christian Grey.
  4. If a man flogs my ass and then runs it across my lips – I need to have a talk with him about hygiene and the shit that should not touch my lips.
  5. The red room of pain is a workout.

Now, dinner with the parents. That’s always fun. Talk about some pressure. Now why is it Ana’s hair always looks like it wasn’t brushed. Like did we hire the same hair stylists from The Mortal Instruments movies? That’s a fucking insult. They deserve better. Everyone deserves better hair.

Christian looks really pissed that Ana’s going to Georgia. Like girl wants to visit her Mom, a girl has a right to visit her Mom. And who can blame Ana from needing something normal. Christian’s got a train full of issues and he won’t talk about them. He’s delivering all the fucked up shit – and won’t realize everyone knows hearts and flowers.

It’s there.

It’s in him.

Jesus, get a therapist. You have enough money for them. Nothing wrong with hearts and flowers, but also nothing wrong with a little Effexer and Xanax in your life. You wonder why Ana ran? Let’s take a deep look at ourselves Christian.

I wish my man would tell me not to worry about it when I ask what friend he’s having dinner with? He’d be broken up with so damn fast. No offense to any man – but if you are sliding into home – YOU OWE ME EXPLANATIONS.

Man has boundary fucking issues. He has tons of issues and he knows it – cause his ass is always over compensating.

Another restraining order moment – Christian showing up in Georgia.

Get a lawyer on speed dial Ana. Whoops – do flip phones have speed dials? DON’T GET DISTRACTED BY THE PENIS!

Dude, like I get it – good sex. Ana, we’ve all been there. We’ve all had it. But like the thing is – you gotta either (1) get your man into therapy (2 )get a good friend or (3) get a good lawyer to get you out of this mess.

Even he just admitted that he’s 50 shades of fucked up.


Like I get it – we all want to change a man. We all have the ideals – because we fall. But the penis will not cure everything. At some point he’ll throw his hip out and then he ain’t gonna be able to do shit for you. You’ll have to do all the work. And yup – nope.

You don’t get treated well enough for that shit Ana.

“Punish me.”

No girl, you watch your mouth. Hold that shit back in. Take it back.

Push his ass to the limit. That’s right. Show him who the fuck is boss. He plays more head games with you than one should ever have to deal with.

And that punishment.

Girl – punch him in the junk. Fucking show his ass who is boss. That’s right gather your shit and fucking leave. Run! Run for the fucking hills. If he ain’t gonna tell you what the fuck is up, he doesn’t deseve you.

Now, I love me some Christian Grey, but he has some fucking issues. They go beyond the botoxed lip and shit.

DOn’t get me wrong – I know we’ve started the journey and hearts and flowers is down the road.

But if any man wants to punish me – my foot’s gonna go so far up his ass he’s gonna taste his shit off my knee.

Mutha fucker I wish you would.

That’s right – tell him he can’t touch you. Show him the error of his ways.

Fucking dick.

Oh God, what issues do I have cause I can’t wait to slip into Fifty Shades Darker.

I’m proud of you Ana – you deserve better. Take that elevator down and go the fuck home.

I mean I woulda whipped the shit out of him – but girl, we already established you better than me.

Fuck I’m drunk.

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