The Bachelor Recap: Week 9 – Fantasy Suites (Part 1)

I must start this review with a disclaimer – this episode was boring. Like make up daydreams in your head, wonder what you’re doing with your life, boring. I’ll do what I can to make this entertaining, but there’s only so much you can do when your source material is so bad.

We jump into the episode right where it left off last week – with Andi entering Nick’s hotel room. Nick proclaims that “Andi is the last person I thought I’d see here” – mmhmm, because your producers totally didn’t set this up, Nick.

Also, if you’re wondering what Andi is up to these days, I wouldn’t be able to tell you. If you check out her Instagram, she lives in NYC and… appears randomly on the Bachelor?

There’s a lot of non-interesting bantering going on between them, and Andi quickly asks if Nick is going to sleep with the girls in the fantasy suite dates. It’s extremely ironic for them to be having this conversation since during their season, Nick famously got angry at Andi for ‘sleeping with him and then leaving him’.

The conversation also goes to prove the point that no matter who he picks, the relationship isn’t going to work out. He straight up tells Andi that “I’m not going to pick one just because she’s the last one standing” – way to have high hopes, Nick.

Interlude:  Myself and the friend that I watch with had a lengthy conversation at this point about how no one ever walks away at this point in the show. Sure, it often happens earlier, when someone is upset. But are we to believe that after having some conversations/fake meals with someone that they’re never like ‘yeah sorry bro, you’re just not my type’. That’s much more realistic than thinking that all these girls are madly in love with him. There must be some level of doubt  in there.

Rose Ceremony

We see a glimpse of Vanessa on the screen at this point I would pick Corinne over Vanessa because OH MY GOD. All Vanessa does is sook* over the fact that she doesn’t know if Nick is really in love with her and she’s so conflicted and blah blah blah. Get over it, girl.

(*A “sook” is a local slang term for someone who whines or sulks, it’s a great word, you should use it).

You can tell these girls are frozen to death waiting, they’re basically turning into a literal version of frozen.

Rose #1: Raven – This comes as no surprise as the previews already showed her in the next location. This show is not great at keeping things to themselves, FYI.

Rose #2: Rachel – UGH. I won’t rant again but this is SO DUMB.

Rose #3: Vanessa – I’m actually a little sad to see Corinne go at this point.

Corinne breaks out an ugly cry as Nick walks her out to the limo. As much as she spent the first part of the season annoying the hell out of me, she really wasn’t the villain in the true sense of the word. Honestly, at this point she was probably the best choice for Nick, given his fame whoring ways.

We end her final scene doing what she does best, falling asleep in the back of the limo. I’ll miss you Corrine, but not your talk about your “platinum vagine” – you can keep that chatter to yourself.

Next we head to the most romantic place on earth, Finland!

We see some stereotypical shots of Finland, with snow everywhere, a scattering of what I presume to be reindeer running around. It’s one of those shots that makes you laugh because you just know they’re playing up the fact that “oh, it’s cold there!”

Date With Raven

The first date is with Raven and they start by helicoptering over some of the local landscapes and then going for drinks and darts at a local bar. At one point, Nick picks her up and walks her over to the dart board so she can get a bullseye. I would have much rather seen a Dirty Dancing lift scenario play out here, but you can’t always get what you want.

This bit is boring. They just talk about their various household chore preferences and what? Sorry? I just woke up.

We also learn a bit too much about Raven’s sexual history in that she’s only had one sexual partner and has never had an orgasm. Thanks for sharing, Raven but Nick appears so boring that I’m not quite sure if he can help you out in that department.

She also tells Nick she didn’t tell her last boyfriend that she loved him. But wait, yes friends, she breaks out the L Card to Nick. So she didn’t love a boyfriend of two years, but she loves Nick who she’s spent maybe 45 seconds with? Oh darling, this makes me feel bad for you.

Next, Nick starts making weird breathy sounds toward her that are totally creepy, but also totally Nick?

The episode ends with a shot of the place where they’ll be staying the night and will they or won’t they? That is the question. Which we may vaguely find out the answer to next week.

The end. Mercifully, this was only a one hour episode, stay tuned next week when we will all have to suffer through THREE hours of this madness. Let’s bring whiskey, shall we?


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