Welcome, friends to a “very special” three hour Bachelor extravaganza. What can you do in three hours that’s more productive than watching the Bachelor, you ask? Well you could: 1. Have surgery (light, maybe like a gallbladder removal or something). 2. Fly roughly 2000km 3. Watch almost the entirety of Titanic (at least that one has Leo for us to lust over). Anyway, on with the show, where many a tear is shed and the ethics of napping is strongly debated.
We start right where we ended off last week, with the end of Raven and Nick’s overnight date. Things seem to have went well for Raven based on the cheesy Viagra-esque montage that is shown of her skipping and frolicking all over Finland.
Exactly what did/didn’t happen, we’ll probably never know for sure, but there’s some heavy implications that some lovin’ was happening.
DATE TWO: RACHEL
Rachel’s date starts with some more outdoors scenes of Finland, which is appropriate since they are starting the day by going cross-country skiing.
Rachel falls in the first 10 seconds of her strapping on her skis. Rachel is me.
They go on a reindeer-pulled ride together and my friends and I ponder if they should just strap a red nose on the lead reindeer and call him Rudolph so they can charge a premium for the rides. Come to Finland! We have Rudolph! Just trying to help you out with your marketing, Finland.
We learn that Rachel’s biggest fear is rejection. Really, Rachel? That’s your BIGGEST fear? How about waking up in the morning with a 2lb spider on your face? That’s MY biggest fear.
Are turtlenecks cool again? Because Nick sure seems to wear a lot of them.
Rachel tells Nick that she’s falling in love with him. RACHEL YOU ARE TOO SENSIBLE FOR THIS. So Nick passes over the note with the key to the fantasy suite. Of course, it’s not a regular key but one of those fancy old time-y ones that I would say didn’t open anything, if only my friend didn’t have a similar one as his house key. But at least they won’t have to worry about any magnet strips from credit cards compromising this one.
In the ‘morning after’ shots we are treated to the two of them wandering around in the pyjamas. It seems that they had a good night together. It will be ironic if Nick actually did sleep with all three of them, given his past experiences on the show.
At this point I’d like to reiterate how stupid it was to announce Rachel as the bachelorette so early, because she would 100% be the frontrunner, based on this episode.
DATE 3: VANESSA
Next up is the horribly boring, not sure she knows how this show works, possibly mob-tied Vanessa.
She starts off by saying that she loves Finland, probably because it reminds her of home?
Their date starts with an ice bath, no joke. They run back and forth from a sauna to a icy cold plunge pool that seems like the very definition of hell. Vanessa, in a heroic show of Canadianism, takes to the challenge like a champ, even more so so that our brooding Nick.
Vanessa also states that when you live somewhere colder “when summer comes, you appreciate it so much more”, truth, Vanessa.
Next they leave their sauna/icy pool of horrors and sit around a cozy hut (each date has taken place in a different hut, good thing there’s only three dates or they’d be running out!) They finally have the conversation they’ve been needing to have about what they would be willing to sacrifice/not in order to be together. Nick says he’s never considered moving to Canada and that “he’s proud to be an America”… where at least he knows he’s free? Come to Canada, Nick. We have brutal winters (area dependent), weird accents from coast-to-coast and Justin Trudeau.
In all seriousness, this relationship is never going to work. It’s clear that Vanessa cares very much about being able to spend time with her family and she is not going to give that up. She also loves her job, so a move from Montreal is incredibly unlikely. On the other hand, with Nick’s burgeoning C-List career, he’s definitely in Los Angeles until his reality show opportunities run dry. So, there’s really no way this is going to work. Also, the most popular flight between Montreal and Los Angeles is via Air Canada Rouge, which I would rather cut off a finger than fly again, so that makes for some rough commuting.
The rose ceremony starts with all the ladies looking fabulous with their dress selections, particularly Rachel. Nick comes out, starts sputtering how this decision was so hard, how they’re all special to him, yada, yada. He sheds a few tears. Onward to the roses.
Rose #1: Raven
Rose #2: Vanessa
See, if we didn’t already know about Rachel, this would have been a shocking, gasp worthy moment. Based on the dates and the relationships he has with all the girls, it seemed like Vanessa would be the most likely candidate for leaving, based mostly on their cross-country living issues.
We say goodbye to Rachel, but still, is she too sensible for this show? I wonder if her season of the bachelorette may turn out to be a little boring, but I guess time will tell on that one.
WOMEN TELL ALL
Confession – I fast-forwarded through a portion of this thing. Since about 40% of the show is dedicated to showing clips of things that happened previously in the series, there was really no point to subject myself to that for a second time around.
The best part of this is the audience spotting. We have a couple “Make American Corinne Again” shirts, someone dressed up in a shark costume, it’s pretty great overall.
They do a bit where Chris Harrison and Nick go and crash various bachelor watching parties across California. The girls all freak out when they see Nick, but I’d be more excited to see Chris, that poor guy has seen a lot through 20 seasons of this train wreck. The segment ends with them visiting with the Backstreet Boys again, which makes me weep for my childhood, again.
The conversation goes back to the girls and they start talking about Corinne’s fondness for sneaking off to take naps. Alright, yes it was super weird for her to sleep during a rose ceremony, but the way they talk about napping makes it seem like it’s a crime to do so. Are taking naps generally considered to be offensive in America? Is this a large cultural difference of which I was woefully unaware? Nap on, Corinne!
Next Liz goes off on some tangent about loving yourself, which, truth, but it has nothing to do with whatever they’re supposed to be talking about, so I zone out for a few minutes.
TAYLOR VS. CORINNE: ROUND 2
Earlier in the season, we saw a 2-on-1 date in which Taylor was sent home and the two girls got into some lengthy, senseless conversations about ‘emotional intelligence’. Will all this be brought up again? You betcha.
The very first thing that’s brought up is another rant by Taylor about emotional intelligence and Corinne starts rolling her eyes, much like the rest of us watching.
At one point, Corinne gets up to leave, only to return a few seconds later holding a glass of champagne in her hands. Which is unexpected and also totally Corinne.
Taylor states that she was “shamed for being a councillor”. Ahh, Taylor, I don’t think that’s a thing. She has tears in her eyes as she proclaims “yes, I am councillor” just as someone would proclaim “yes, I do crack”. It’s a weird series of events. But Taylor, being a councillor is pretty great, just stop talking about emotional intelligence and you’ll be just fine!
Corinne is then brought out for some one-on-one time with Chris Harrison. It starts off with a clip show, reminding everyone of her time on the show, which everyone must admit was entertaining.
The topic of naps quickly comes up again with Corinne stating “everybody naps, just like everybody poops”. Her defence of napping is perhaps the greatest thing about this entire two hours of my life that I can’t get back.
Her segment ends with her talking about her Nanny Raquel, and a round of cheese pasta is brought out for the audience to enjoy. See you in Bachelor in Paradise, Corinne.
Next up is Kristina, who probably has one of the most interesting backstories of any contestant ever on this show. She was born in Russia, spent years in an orphanage and was adopted by an American family when she was about 12 years old. Her segment brings about a few tears, and it’s very warranted. It’s a shame she got overshadowed by a few of the bigger personalities of the season, it would have been nice to learn more about her.
Nick comes out for a short chat, and in all things Nick, it’s pretty dull. There’s some banter with him, Kristina and Danielle and that’s really the gist of it.
Rachel gets a very loud reception as she enters, which is a good sign that they’ve picked a popular bachelorette. She talks about being ready to meet someone to settle down and start a family with. I truly hope she is one of the rare success stories that this show produces.
It ends with previews from “the most dramatic and emotional finale ever”. You say that every season. Chris.
I made it! Three hours later and I’m still alive and sober. Tune in next week as Nick picks one lady who he is likely already broken up with!