Once again, I watched THREE HOURS of The Bachelor so you don’t have to!
After weeks of mild torture, it finally happened, Nick picked himself a lady and the world didn’t implode. What happened? Will the relationship last? How long will Nick stare longingly into the forests of Finland? Read ahead to find out the answers to all of these riveting questions.
The episode begins in Lapland, which is just under the Arctic Circle in Finland. One can’t help but wonder if Finland dropped some sweet dollar bills in order to be featured so prominently these last few weeks. What I propose is a trade, you give us your reindeer and you can have Nick, forever!
Anyhow, the episode starts with some chatting amongst Nick’s family – they are going to meet both Raven and Vanessa. It’s a big of an unfair advantage in reality, since Raven already met the family earlier in the season.
Raven is up first and nothing of particular interest really happens during her discussions. She is very vocal about her feelings for Nick, and when his little sister asks if she loves him, she doesn’t hesitate to say yes. Also, it is quite likely there is less of an age gap between Raven and little sis as it is between Raven and Nick.
Ma and Pa Viall appear to approve of Raven and that’s really the end of that segment.
Things get emotional right from the start with Vanessa, which should come as a surprise to no one who has watched any of this season. She starts talking about how much Nick means to her and Mom starts to get a little misty eyed.
She asks Nick’s dad if “love is enough” for a relationship to survive and he realistically says, no it is not. They talk about how a good relationship also needs sacrifice, commitment, honesty, etc. Both of them break out the waterworks for this conversation. It’s pretty great that Nick and his family are so open with their emotions, but there has been a LOT of crying on this season. Is there a record for most tears in a season? I feel like google has the answers to this.
Both of Nick’s parents are scared that he’s going to get rejected again, based on his past with Andi and Kaitlyn. Never thee worry, family. Whoever Nick picks isn’t going to make it down the aisle with him anyway!
In all honesty, of all the relationships Nick had on the show, he was probably best suited to Andi. He just made the grave error of getting upset when she ‘slept with him and left him’. Which we’re all about 99.9% sure Nick did this season, so touche, Nicholas.
In the live audience interlude between segments, Chris Harrison says that something ‘history in the making’ is coming in the after show. I make the joke that he says that all the time. Then, because the tv (like microwaves) are always listening to what I’m saying, Chris says he “means it this time”. We’ll be the judge of that, Harrison.
Onward to the last dates.
Vanessa says she’s going to ‘relax and enjoy’ her last date with Nick. Who wants to bet that she can’t last the date without tears? Oh nobody? Yeah. You’d be wise not to take that bet.
They go horseback riding through the snow, and we see a shot of Santa creepily hiding in the trees. They totally forget this fact for a solid 2-3 minutes afterward, so I had to go back and rewatch that segment to make sure it was real. It was. They end up going to Santa’s shack in the woods. Which is about as creepy as that sentence would lead you to believe.
Santa asks what is on their wish lists. Nick says love, Vanessa says happiness. I would have said a Nerf gun, but whatever guys. Santa hands them a lame present, which is not a Nerf gun, so we would really do without this whole segment.
We flash forward a bit, to a later-evening chat between the two. Vanessa says once again how she feels like she’s being gypped by “sharing this experience” with Raven. Proving again, she does not quite understand how this show works. She asks if he’s ready to propose, and Nick basically evades the question. It’s a pretty dull and sad way to spend their last few hours together.
The date starts with what is Nick’s signature move – the girl jumping into his arms and kissing him. I wish I’d started counting how many times this happened during the show because it feels like it happened very frequently. Hopefully his hand-eye coordination is up to snuff.
They go ice skating and half way through Kiss Me by Sixpence None The Richer starts playing. Raven gets all the good music montages, it seems.
Nick breaks out the signature move once again but while on ICE SKATES. His skills do not seem overly good, and here he is, carrying Raven around the ice in his arms. This is how concussions happen, kids!
He then lays her on the ice and starts kissing her. Between this and the whole bog water make out of a couple weeks ago, I’d be seriously reconsidering a relationship with Nick if it’s gong to involve heavy amounts of kissing in the most terrible places. What’s next? A make out while accidentally stepping in an ant hill?
Then, for no reason at all, Nick goes off camera and comes back with an armful of adorable husky puppies! Raven says ‘it’s the best day of her life’, us too, Raven.
Later in the evening, Raven expresses that she is so ready to get married. She’s so ready that she’s basically the anti-Vanessa, who’s so confused that she’s about ready to cry into a plate of authentic Quebec poutine at this point. She’s so overconfident that could this be a forewarning of what’s to come?
THE FINAL COUNTDOWN
Of course, after all the dates are done, Nick has to make his choice. What a better way for him to decide than to get some shots of him staring forlornly into the snow covered trees of Finland. Seriously, there’s many an outdoor gazing shot.
He continues his brooding until his longtime pal Neil Lane shows up to help him pick out a ring. Let us be reminded that this is the fourth time Nick has met up with Lane to pick out rings. They’re practically Fantasy Bachelor teammates at this point.
Some more brooding and talking to the camera takes place, then the girl who’s about to be rejected shows up in the limo and it is… Raven!
More about this later, but if you were spoiler-free who really saw that coming? Based on the incredible amount of issues between them, and the fact that they live in separate countries and don’t want to move, does anyone really think this is going to work? But I digress.
Raven starts reciting a speech about her love for Nick and it’s super awkward. At one point, part way though, Nick breaks eye contact and looks off to the sides and it’s in that minute that Raven realizes she is not meant to be with captain turtleneck.
I’ll give Nick a bit of credit here, for the very serious way that he lets Raven down. We can all make fun of how many times he’s been on this show, but I think that knowing that he’s (non-literally) been in her shoes before, he expresses true emotion and regret that things didn’t work out. So, as much as you annoy me Nick, you did good here.
There’s some more snow brooding after Raven leaves, and with the way the red carpet is leading up to the house over the white snow, it looks for a second like the slain blood of a reindeer. Which, you know.. wouldn’t be all the surprising.
Vanessa shows up and within minutes they both start blubbering. These guys had better invest in some high quality tissues at the start of their relationship, you know, the kind with aloe and stuff, because they are surely going to need them in bulk.
My friends and I feel at this point that he should basically just give her a promise ring and ask her to go steady, because they’re getting engaged amidst some very critical life plans that need to be figured out.
Nick looks at Vanessa and says “when I look at you, I see my future” … in Canada? Let’s be real, it’s going to be much easier for him to come to Canada than vice versa, given current political issues. And the fact that her dad may be a mobster?
He proposes, she says yes. They kiss, they cry, they kiss and cry some more. The end. Kinda.
Wait, you thought I was done? Nope! We still have one full hour to go until we are free! Free I tell you!
AFTER THE FINAL ROSE
I’m going to try and keep this as brief as possible, given that the show is starting on hour three and there’s probably not enough alcohol in the world to keep this entertaining, at this point.
Nick comes out wearing the skinniest tie of all time. He starts spattering on about his feelings for both of the girls and how he felt he did maybe relate to Raven a little more, which is interesting.
Raven herself then joins the party and talks about how confident she was that he was going to propose to her. She says she’s happy he wasn’t rejected again (burn) and talks about how’s she’s joining Bachelor in Paradise. Oh lord. As much as I make it seem like this show annoys me (which it does) I have to admit Paradise is my biggest guilty pleasure, it’s so bad that its amazing. I’ll bring it to you in all its black barred swimsuit glory, in a few months.
Also, I cannot deal with Chris’s overuse of the term “Bachelor Nation”. No Chris, I refuse to accept allegiance to this nation you speak of. Do you have to give up your citizenship to join? How do you become anointed? Do you have to buy Spanx and hold a prickly rose? So many questions.
Vanessa comes out on stage and OH MY GOD IT ALL MAKES SENSE. Vanessa has never watched a full season of the show! Well, well, all the times I called her out for not knowing how the show works were true as she really didn’t know how the show worked! Girl, you should have done some homework before jumping aboard this train wreck, that’s all I’m gonna say.
They say they’re still ‘getting to know’ each other and are ‘optimistic about the future’. Which is probably not the best, most loving choice of words for a couple who just recently got engaged.
They bring up the issue of where to live again, and ugh, I hate this. Vanessa, a strong, independent women with a great career and a great family is going to move to Los Angeles, with fame whoring Nick. No, this is not okay. Just because he wants to explore the D-List does not mean that she should give up her life to go with him. I guess it is her choice after all, but really, Nick should have been the one to go to her.
Oh no, another frightful thought – Nick is starting next week on Dancing with the Stars, another of my shameful shows, meaning I am going to have to endure FIVE MONTHS of Nick. Please send bourbon or un-distilled moonshine, whatever it takes to get me through.
That’s the end for these guys. Now Rachel comes out to talk about this ‘historic moment’.
The ‘surprise’ is that she is going to meet four of her potential bachelor contestants right now. The crew quickly brings out a backdrop that looks like the outside of the bachelor mansion and we all start to wonder if this was all some kind of joke. It’s apparent it’s not when guys start getting out of the limo and NOT the huskies from Finland, which would have been so much better.
She meets the guys very quickly and one actually states “I’m ready to go black and never go back”. To which my friends and I just look at the tv and say “nooooo” for a very, very long time. Ouch. What a way to get started! Some of the other guys seem okay though, guess we’ll learn about them in the weeks to come.
Well that’s it friends, we made it through the season! A final parting question is – how long do we all think Nick and Vanessa are going to stay together? Among my little watching team, our predictions are not good. I give them until just after Dancing with the Stars ends, in July. Dana says September and Jennifer optimistically says December. What do you think? Are we jaded and do you think they’re actually going to work out long term? Let me know in the comments.
See you again in May for the Bachelorette!