Welcome friends! It’s that time of year – where the waterworks are high, the choice of men are questionable and there will be blood. What am I’m talking about? Well it’s the Bachelorette premiere, of course!
As most everyone knows, this season will feature Rachel, a 31 year old lawyer from Texas, who seems entirely too sensible for this tv show of snark and sarcasm. I say this now, but to anyone who’s a franchise fan, I have two words – Juan Pablo. He started off a fan favourite, but quickly showed his true colours, and subsequently made us all hate the phrase ‘it’s okay’. But I digress.
We start with a recap/montage of all things Rachel. It’s her playing some basketball for unknown reasons, there’s a recap of her relationship with Nick, her wandering the park and meeting some older ladies who tell her to “make good decisions”. There’s also some shots of her dog, who I kind of want to be BFF with.
After all that, we get to the most predictable part of the show, the pre-filmed, long intros. I don’t know who they’re trying to fool here, guaranteed one of these 8 guys listed below will inevitably win our bachelorette’s heart. You have no intro? You’re a goner.
Jack (31), Lawyer – They have the same profession, so that’s a plus? Unless their dinner conversations at night all end up about like, tax law or something. He also has an adorable dog, so those doggy play dates would be off the chain.
Alex (28), Information Systems Supervisor – He likes to code, is a self professed nerd and his mom warns him that “the girls fall in love too quickly on this show”. Truth, mom.
Mohit (26), Product Manager – He’s a Bollywood dancer as well and generally seems like he would be a good time. That’s really all there is to say about him.
Lucas (30), Whaboom – I HATE THIS GUY ALREADY. He’s “affable” (according to him) and does some loud-ass screeching noises that no human or animal should ever be subjected to. He’s going to get a rose tonight, I can just tell.
Blake (30), Aspiring Drummer – Despite his aspirational title, it states in his intro package that he is also a sports nutritionist and personal trainer. He is also very into sex and sex education, he states “women have told me about the amazingness of my penis”. Ugh, this guy.
Diggy (31), Inventory Analyst – Diggy has 575 pairs of shoes and his dog is only somewhat cute.
Josiah (28), Prosecutor – Josiah has the most interesting story so far. After the suicide of his brother, he went down a path of getting into trouble with the law. He was eventually arrested and it changed his life, for the better. He seems very genuine, and I like him already.
That’s the end of the longer intros, and we know flash to Rachel having a conversation with some of the girls from last season, and yes, Corinne is among them. As is Alexis the “Aspiring Dolphin Trainer” who showed up in a questionable shark costume for Nick. She gives the advice to “don’t judge someone if they show up in a costume” – solid advice, Alexis.
And so begins the beautiful dresses of Rachel, as her and Chris Harrison stand outside the mansion in California. I’ve often wondered where the family that lives in this house goes when they’re filming. Do they take an extended vacation? Do they stay around a peer in the bushes, hoping to catch an over dramatic fight? So many questions.
The lineup of guys begin to appear and I will spare a long drawn out recap of this, but here are the things of note that happen:
- Iggy is also the name of my Bachelorette watching partner’s dog.
- There’s a “Steve Urkel” entrance that’s pretty lame.
- Brady is a male model so I am sure he’s here for all the right reasons…
- Demario gets bonus points for his bowtie, but his confidence could turn to arrogance very quickly.
- Fred went to school with Rachel, which I guess may or may not be an advantage, depending.
- The TICKLE MONSTER shows up. AND he tickles her. I cannot.
- Adam brings out a miniature doll of himself called “Adam Jr” who’s all kinds of creepy.
- Matt shows up in a penguin suit (as in a real penguin).
- The Whaboom makes the Tickle Monster seem manageable. What is life? As he enters someone says “oh you’re the annoying guy”. Accurate.
Josiah is the first guy to grab Rachel for a chat. He tells her his ‘story’ right off the bat, and she seems to be into him. He is also wearing a bowtie, so I may be a little biased.
One of my favourite parts of this show is when they take something weird and run with it. In this case, they do an interlude of “Adam Jr” talking French and generally looking creepy. At one point he’s holding a champagne glass in his ‘hand’ and its glorious. I’m glad the show takes a second from time to time to mock itself.
She seems very into Bryan who is 37 and originally from Colombia. However, he was not featured in the longer intro packages, which makes one believe that he probably won’t be sticking around for too long of a time.
Demario asks the very philosophical question of “who do you prefer, N’Sync or Backstreet Boys?” Rachel gives the correct answer, which is N’Sync (DUH) further cementing the fact that we could be BFF minus the fact that she dresses a million times better than I do.
Bryan ends up getting the first impression rose, which isn’t too much of a surprise at this point, but what is surprising is the intensity in which they kiss. There’s some serious mouth action happening here. One guy, who’s name is probably irrelevant at the moment, sees it happening and screams “NOOO” very intensely when it happens. Ya better get used to this, pal.
At this point in the season there’s really too many people to say anything meaningful about the rose ceremony – half of these people have probably spoken 10 words or less in the full episode. So here, in order, is everyone who received a rose:
- Peter (first out of the limo, gets the first rose)
- Tickle Monster
- Matt (the penguin)
- Adam (just him, no Jr)
- Blake E
- Lucas aka WHABOOM
The inclusion of Lucas proves the point that at this part in the season, the producers have a very heavy hand in what happens. I cannot see any other reason that she would have kept this idiot around, other than entertainment. Which is what ratings are made of. Ugh. For how long we’ll have to suffer, that’s the question.
Also the fact that she did not chose Mohit, despite him having a long intro is very interesting. Are they finally switching up their strategy with the bachelorette so it’s harder to predict the winner? I somehow have my doubts.
Anyway, that’s it for this week! Stay tune for next week when we’ll surely little more about these guys – all in a very dramatic “there may be blood’ fashion. Buckle up, we’re surely in for a ride.