Hello all! I’m back after a short hiatus (aka, I was on vacation). This means the recap that I have for you is extra long, so sit back, relax, break out your finest alcoholic beverage of choice (or you know, chocolate, whatever gives you joy) and enjoy the ride.
Week two starts off with Rachel and her dog wandering around, he has a little cast on his leg and it is never explained how or why he has it. So, I’m choosing to believing he got into a fight with some other dogs and fended them off, karate kid-style. That sounds accurate, yes?
Chris Harrison shows up for a chat and myself and my watching buddy start talking about how hilarious/amazing it would be to have him actually be the Bachelor one season. According to Wikipedia he got divorced in 2012, so come on Chris! Now’s the time!
The lucky (??) recipients of the first group date are: Dean, Jack, John, Blake, Iggy, Kenny Brett/Brad and Lucas. Also known as a bunch of guys who’s names don’t really matter yet, since they’ll probably all be sent home soon enough.
The date starts off with Rachel impeccably dressed and manning a barbeque. The guys start debating Whaboom and wonder if he’s ‘odd or just wants to stand out’. Blake states that “he’s garbage and just here to be on TV’. Hey Blake – you’re an “aspiring drummer” I’m not exactly sure your intentions are the purest of heart.
Rachel states that she has some “friends” who are going to show up to help with the date and VERY unexpectedly out pops Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis – what the what?! They say they are ‘huge fans’ of the show. Do they have something random that they need to promote now? Is Ashton about to star in some annoying bro-centric romcom? I have so many questions as to why they are here.
Anyway, the end up doing some kind of weird challenge involving strapping babies to themselves and running an obstacle course that has various household tasks involved. Poor Iggy is the first one out, he seems like a decent guy, despite having the same name as my friend’s dog.
The final leg of the race comes down to the Whaboom and Kenny, and everyone obviously hopes that Kenny wins, but he does not as Whaboom basically pushes him out of the way to claim victory. He wins, everyone else weeps.
“I feel like Ashton should give us a Whaboom!” States, well, the Whaboom. Ashton is terrified, as we all are, and refuses to give him one, so he has some standards, I guess.
Nothing too interesting happens in the cocktail part of the date. They hang out in a cool looking bar/aracde that has some retro games and lava lamps placed around. There is some obvious drama between Whaboom and Blake (stay tuned for week 3 for way more, so much more, on this).
Dean is straight up adorable, and Rachel seems to enjoy his company. He’s only 25 to her 31, so I’m wondering if this might be an issue with them at some point. He may be a super mature 25 though. He’s the one who gets the rose tonight, which is not surprising given their chat. He’s truly happy and surprised about it, and I declare myself #TeamDean for now (but only for the Bachelorette, not Gilmore Girls #TeamDean because that’s a huge no).
The next date is a one on one with Peter. They meet at an airstrip and he finds out that they are going to Palm Springs via private jet. She alludes that the date is going to be a two-on-one, but Peter’s obvious fears are lessened when he finds out that her dog is the other person on the date.
So far in this episode the dog has: 1. Flown on a private jet 2. Been driven in a limo 3. Went to an exclusive Palm Springs pool party. This dog is living a better life than I am, consider me jealous.
The rest of the date is pretty bland. They chat, hold hands, go outside and watch some typical Bachelorette arranged fireworks, and that’s about it.
GROUP DATE TWO
The second group date features appearances by: Will, Jamey, Diggy, Alex, Adam, Lee, Matt, Eric, Josiah and Demario. They go to a high school basketball court to shoot some bball (inside) the school and another “friend” of Rachel shows up. This friend happens to be Kareem Abdul Jabbar. Hey Rachel – it’s cool that you have some many famous ‘friends’ and all, but maybe you should space them out and not use them all up in one episode? Just saying.
They are going to play a game against one another in front of a crowd and Kareem states that “basketball is a good sport to compare to romance” – isn’t there a movie all about this?
Based on their skill level, it’s clear this game is not going to go anywhere. Most of the guys resort to showboating in order to get noticed by Rachel and it is obviously clear that Mr. Abdul Jabbar is not here for their antics.
After the game is over, the moment the previews have long been teasing happens. A woman who claims that she is still dating Demario, and that he never broke it off with her, shows up at the game.
I mean, real chat for a moment – it’s beyond clear this is obviously a set up. How would this girl even know where they were taping in advance and that Demario was going to be on that particular date? We see through your contrived drama, Bachelorette producers.
Anyway, they had apparently been dating for seven months, yet when he sees her he pretends not to know her and is basically like ‘who dis’. It is painfully clear from this point onward that Demario’s time is limited on the show. Rachel in fact, drops an F-bomb and tells Demario to “get the F out of here” and then walks away from the situation.
The guys do their best to reassure Rachel that they are all there for “the right reasons”, whatever those reasons may be. There’s a pretty boring cocktail party after this in which a rose is given to Josiah, who seems like a nice enough guy as of right now.
Because obviously we weren’t going to escape drama THAT easily, Demario shows up at the rose ceremony asking if he can talk to Rachel. In a bit that is not staged at all, he talks to Chris Harrison who is all like “nahh brahh” probably not the best for you to be here (aka Chris LOVES it). You can tell the show is going to cut soon, as Rachel is informed about the whereabouts of Demario and the other guys start to figure out whats happening.. and yep.. End scene.
Week two, we out!
Week three picks up right from week two’s drama. With the guys getting all angry and protective that Demario has shown up. As Demario pleads his case, you can basically see Rachel’s eyes start to glaze over and you can tell she’s just putting up with this for the camera’s sake. After a long-winded speech, she cuts him off and very eloquently tells him to leave and she hopes that this can lead him to be a better person. You’re a better person that most of us, Rachel.
The cocktail party resumes and the Tickle Monster shows up with some giant inflatable hands (for real) and starts to attack Rachel by them, they’re pretty disturbing and weird – I guess that’s a part of his charm?! Also, unless I have slept through it and/or was drunk for the explanation (probable) have we not found out exactly what a Tickle Monster is yet?
Blake tells the cameras that he is perplexed as to why the Whaboom is still there, hey Blake – PRODUCERS BRO!
Here is who is given a rose, by order of call out:
- Tickle Monster
- Brady (or is it Grady?)
- Last Rose: Diggy
In giving the last rose to Diggy, she let two of the biggest nuisances of the show – Whaboom and Blake go in one giant swoop.
As expected, Blake especially does NOT take this well. They are both shown, outside of the house getting up in each other’s business like a bunch of school children. It’s basically one giant he-said, he-said argument and it’s insanely eyer rolling. Both of them eventually leave, both blaming each other for their early exits.
They’re going to see Ellen!
Ellen starts off by saying that every season she says she’s not going to watch, and yet she gets sucked in time and time again. Ellen is all of us.
For this bit, the guys are sent out shirtless into the audience with Pony by Ginuwine playing in the background. It’s both degrading and funny all at once. Alex ends up doing a full on lap dance for an older lady and (as expected) the Tickle Monster is hilariously awkward. Afterward, they play a round of Never Have I Ever, where Alex admits he has peed in the pool of the mansion. I don’t know whether to be impressed by his answer or to be grossed out, maybe a little bit of both.
The after date party is mostly dedicated to Fred – the guy she’s known since elementary school. Fred very awkwardly asks Rachel if he can kiss her, and an extremely awkward kiss ensues after this. Rather than dragging on something that she clearly isn’t feeling, Rachel decides to send him home, since she cannot get past the kid he used to be.
I get this, I get it so much. Picture a kid from your neighbourhood who’s a few years younger than you, and used to be a bit of a trouble maker. Would you be able to see past that as an adult and see him romantically? I don’t think that I could. I feel like it would forever be awkward, so while it sucks for Fred, I can totally understand her on this.
Anthony gets the only one on one of the week, he’s a guy who’s existence I barely remember, let alone any interesting facts about him.
They go horseback riding down Rodeo Drive – in that, they actually ride the horses into the stores. I really hope they have someone employed to clean up after those guys, because that’s going to get messy real quickly. They actually get fitted for cowboy boots while in on the horses in the store, without ever getting off them, it’s a very weird date they’ve got here so far.
Then, the most magical thing ever happens, they stop at a CUPCAKE ATM! Guys, this is a thing that exists in real life? Call me a clueless Canadian, but I am so impressed by this. Like, it’s 4am and you just suddenly want a cupcake, so you stroll (or ride) up to the local ATM and BAM you’ve got yourself a sugar loaded diabetic treat? A DREAM. I need one, I need one now.
Anyway, Anthony seems nice, if not a little dull. I don’t love or hate him at the moment, he’s just meh. They drink, don’t eat the food in front of him, and she gives him a rose. The end.
GROUP DATE TWO
A couple of the girls from last season – Raven, Corinne, and Jasmine (who non-coincidentally are going to be on the upcoming season of Bachelor in Paradise) show up to ‘help Rachel on the date’ and to gather some information. They get on a party bus, where Raven asks who’s not there for the right reasons, all the guys say Eric. This will come up again later.
Oh my god guys, oh my god, they’ve finally done it. After a million seasons of this show, they’re finally.. MUD WRESTLING. It’s so degrading. I’m only glad that at least they left it for the men, and not the women, even if that doesn’t make it any better at all. I am so not down for this. This may be a reality show of low standards but I have standards!
They face off in battle, and it ends up coming down to Kenny (the pro wrestle) and Bryce – surprisingly, Bryce ends up winning – even though it doesn’t look like Kenny was trying too hard.
In the after party, everyone is voicing concerns about Eric, but he ends up getting a rose anyway. The guy does seem very argumentative, so I’m not sure how long he’s going to end up lasting.
We find out that Kenny also used to be a Chippendale’s dancer, and boy, he’s got some moves. I enjoy Kenny, he seems nice and sincere despite his questionable career choices.
Rachel’s Dress: 10/10 no dress has been anything less yet, it has so much sparkle.
Iggy, who had no date at all this week, for some reason thinks its wise to spend the 3.4 minutes he has with Rachel telling her about Eric and how he’s there for the wrong reasons. Methinks Iggy is about to go home.
The whole night ends up ‘Eric themed’. Rachel goes to talk to him, telling him she’s aware of all the chatter and that now her ‘antennas are up’ regarding him. With the ridiculousness of this show, I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if REAL antennas started showing up everywhere Eric ends up.
After this chat, Eric gathers everyone up and basically starts screaming for everyone to mind their own business. It’s all very dramatic and ends with a To Be Continued…
Thanks for reading this monster recap! Stay tuned for next week when there’s more Eric drama and more yelling, I’m sure you can’t wait.