
Hello and welcome to an oversized Bachelorette recap! The end of the season is now upon us, but before we jump into just who Rachel chooses to be her new partner, let us take a few moments to recap what happened in the last two weeks to get Rachel to the point she is now.
The episode starts off in Texas, which is Rachelโs hometown. They are doing things a little differently this season, because her sister is pregnant and unable to travel, so instead of the family going to Rachel, she is going to them.
DALLAS DATE ONE: PETER

Peter is the first to go (according to what we see, anyway). They stop in a childrenโs store along the way to get something for the new baby and his older brother.
They once again start talking about โPeterโs reservationsโ toward getting engaged at the end of the show, ugh. Like, if he’s willing to commit to a serious relationship shouldnโt that be enough? Anyway, Peter says he regrets how their last chat went, so he plays the L Card and says that heโs โfalling in love with herโ.
The pull up to Rachelโs family home, which is a literal mansion.
Inside, we meet her sister, brother-in-law, mom, aunt and uncle. There is no sign of her dad, to which I say – well played sir, well played.
Rachelโs sister Constance is the best thing about this entire episode. Her facial expressions and her skepticism about the whole process are hilarious and accurate.
In his conversation with Rachelโs mom, Peter tells her that heโs not going to ask for her โpermission to marry his daughterโ (which permission is not a word I like, but I digress) right not because he doesnโt feel right in doing it just yet. Mom seems to like this, because as long as heโs taking everything seriously, thatโs really enough.
They chat some more, and Peter seems to leave on a positive note so we trudge on to the next one.
DALLAS DATE TWO: ERIC

Eric starts the date by saying that he was so nervous that he didnโt sleep. Welcome to my life, Eric. They start off by doing some sightseeing around Dallas and he talks a little more about growing up, what his family was like and reiterates that his hometown was the first time heโs brought a girl home.
Constance does not look overly impressed with Eric, she thinks that heโs not on the same playing field as Peter.ย When they chat, he tells her that he โloves Rachel unconditionallyโ and that he wants marriage, kids and the whole deal. However after the conversation, Constance states that sheโs not sure how compatible theyโll be in the long run, and I tend to agree.
Eric asks for permission from her mom to marry Rachel, and mom kinda beats around the bush and says โat this point, if they are going to take the journey to marriage, she trusts Rachelโs choiceโ. Which is incredibly vague and doesnโt really tell him anything, but I respect it. Mama Rachel thinks all this is a bit fast and a bit ridiculous, it seems.
DALLAS DATE THREE: BRYAN

Theyโre both wearing their matching Swiss watches, which they should, those things arenโt cheap!
The day starts by meeting up with two of Rachelโs friends for brunch, they are apparently the two friends who convinced her to sign up for the show – so she either really likes them or really hates them by this point.
Bryan talks about himself a little bit more, he tells the girls about his occupation, age, says heโs ready for marriage, etc. Rachel openly admits that at first she โthought he was a douchebagโ which I absolutely love.
When they arrive at Rachelโs home, he talks a bit about his Colombian heritage, and how he only wants to be married once, and to build a family and what not. The family seems a bit skeptical of the way that he talks, because he seems to have all the right answers. They break out some tough love questions that make him briefly leave the room.
You can especially tell that Constance is not buying what Bryan is selling. She thinks heโs a charming smooth talker, and when he goes on a rant about how much he loves Rachel and her family already, you canโt help but agree with her.
Mom also questions the fact that he is using love so quickly into the relationship and she doesnโt really think its possible to love so quickly without even really knowing the person. He too, asks her for a blessing and mom disregards it totally and sends a very vague answer back at him.
SPAIN

How that theyโve all met the family, everyone is heading to Spain for the remaining days and for the fantasy suite part of our โjourneyโ.ย We see some nice tourism-esque shots of Spain, with Rachel wandering through cobblestone streets and drinking wine.
Once again, theyโll all be getting some one-on-one time before Rachel sends one of them packing back to the ole US of A.
Eric

They start off by going up in a helicopter for a bit – this show really loves their sky transport, I feel like they must have some kind of barter system going with various companies being all โif you lend us your helicopter weโll show it on our marginally successful USA reality show and itโll bring 10s of people to your sky transportโ.
They wander, have a picnic, drink some wine, kiss, ring a bell.. guys, this is the best I can do with this material.
During a chat, he tells Rachel he thought they had โemotional chemistryโ right from the start, whatever that means. I mean, people say Bryan is the charmer, but I kinda get that vibe from Eric as well. He spouts out all the right things, but itโs difficult to tell what he really means.
She gives him a note to invite him to the fantasy suite and he obviously accepts. The next morning, we see some shirtless Eric and some bathroom kissing, what did or didnโt they do? Guess weโll never know. Unless someone decides to spill it on social media, which will likely happen.
PETER

The day starts in a vineyard. They talk to the wine maker who built his own vineyard about the same time he married his wife – 57 years ago. He sings to them and I immediately love him.
They take a set of keys and go to a private wine locker which has their names on it and it is filled with wine for them to take, THIS IS THE DREAM, FRIENDS. This is what we need to get through these long-ass shows.
Peter tells her that he didnโt ask her mom for permission to marry her and that he needs time for an engagement. Rachel tosses back that she doesnโt want a boyfriend after it is all over, she wants a fiancee.
This is a huge matter of contention between them, and theyโre struggling to come to common ground so you know what that meansโฆ
TO BE CONTINUED
THE MEN TELL ALL
Onward we go straight into the Men Tell All. This was painful, and I’ve watched a lot of these Bachelor(ette) shows over the years. It was 90% Kenny and Lee drama and 10% everything else. Let’s try to get through this quickly and painlessly, shall we?
As always, Chris Harrison starts the show by saying itโs a โshow like weโve never seen beforeโ. Yeah no, I got my doubts on this, Harrison.
The show starts by taking an excessively long look back at all of the โmemorable momentsโ of past โTell Allโ specials. Weโre treated to clips of friendships, reading mean tweets, that time they did an ultrasound on live TV andโฆ Chad.
All the people we love to hate are already out on the stage including the Whaboom and Lee, and also the unforgettable โTickle Monsterโ.
When Dean is introduced he gets ALL the applause. Could a bachelor stint be in his future? I guess we have to see if he survives Paradise first.
We get an overly dramatic recap of all Demarioโs drama and then the guys go all in on what happened with him on the show – but no mentions of his Paradise shenanigans.
The guys start talking over each other, calling each other out, using their favourite word โdisingenuousโ and itโs basically just one giant mess.
Kenny says he was just as annoyed as we were with all the Lee drama, and I somehow have my doubts? He also says Lee was โout of his leagueโ and he didnโt feel he was being overtly racist, he just didnโt belong there.
KENNY ON THE HOT SEAT

Because we need to go โdeeperโ on this issue, Kenny takes the hot seat for a few (30) minutes.ย He says that in his younger years he would have handled the situation more aggressively, but he wonโt now because of his daughter. All the other guys back him up by saying no one ever found him aggressive and he was more frustrated with the whole situation.
Lee says he should have handled the situation differently and been a โbetter friendโ to Kenny, which he quickly calls BS on.
This segment actually ends sweetly, when Kennyโs adorable daughter Mackenzie comes out on the stage to bring her dad a rose. She is very poised and mature for her age, and is very proud that her dad was โlike number eightโ on the show. Sheโs probably the best part of this whole painful TWO HOURS.
LEE ON THE HOT SEAT

Because we need to hear even MORE about this drama, itโs Leeโs turn to say a few words, and boy, he should have probably called in โsickโ to this appearance.
Dean starts by saying that Lee was has not said he was sorry in any moment before being but on his blast for his awful tweets and he should have taken care of this two months ago, and not now.
A few of his tweets are shared and its pretty awful, he says some harsh things about feminists and compares the NAACP to the KKK. Lee is super uncomfortable when all this is happening, AS HE SHOULD BE. He is obviously a terrible person – who says those kind of things?
Lee says heโs โdone things that are wrongโ but all his comments are vague. He obviously doesnโt want to apologize or talk about this issue any further, but in true bachelor style, Chris Harrison wonโt let anything slide.
Eventually Lee does say that the โtweets were racist and I denounce itโ. But I think it may be too little too late at this point.ย Kenny offers to help him become a โbetter personโ which is better than anything I would have offered himโฆ
ONWARD TO DEAN

Everyoneโs favourite sharp dresser, Dean takes the stage for a few minutes.
Chris says that โeveryone loves themselves some Deanโ. Truth, Chris H.
Dean talks about his dad drama again, and says they are still not talking and heโs not sure what will become of that relationship. He talks about how heโll be going back for Paradise, which I unfortunately had read as a spoiler much before he was kicked off the show. Thanks, Twitter.
Thatโs about all of the discussion with him, I still think thereโs a decent chance of him being the new Bachelor depending on how both the finale and Paradise play out.
RACHEL, FINALLY

Finally, after about 80% of the show is over, Rachel takes the stage for a few minutes. She says she missed many of them, but โnot everybodyโ. Her and Dean have a moment where she says it was difficult for her to leave Dean, and they hug it out.
She calls Demario out for his handling of the situation where his ex showed up. She said if he had owned up to it, rather than pretended to not know who she was, she would have respected it more.
Rachel offers to give Lee a lesson on black history and womenโs rights backstage and Lee kinda gives her a half-assed apology which you can tell she does not believe one bit.
Thereโs some random conversation between the guys and Kenny says to hit him up if things donโt work out with any of the final three.
The show ends with a few minutes of bloopers and weโre done!
Well, with that painful two hours, itโs on to the finale!
Who will ultimately win Rachelโs heart? Stay tuned to find outโฆ