Hello and welcome to an oversized Bachelorette recap! The end of the season is now upon us, but before we jump into just who Rachel chooses to be her new partner, let us take a few moments to recap what happened in the last two weeks to get Rachel to the point she is now.
The episode starts off in Texas, which is Rachel’s hometown. They are doing things a little differently this season, because her sister is pregnant and unable to travel, so instead of the family going to Rachel, she is going to them.
DALLAS DATE ONE: PETER
Peter is the first to go (according to what we see, anyway). They stop in a children’s store along the way to get something for the new baby and his older brother.
They once again start talking about “Peter’s reservations’ toward getting engaged at the end of the show, ugh. Like, if he’s willing to commit to a serious relationship shouldn’t that be enough? Anyway, Peter says he regrets how their last chat went, so he plays the L Card and says that he’s “falling in love with her”.
The pull up to Rachel’s family home, which is a literal mansion.
Inside, we meet her sister, brother-in-law, mom, aunt and uncle. There is no sign of her dad, to which I say – well played sir, well played.
Rachel’s sister Constance is the best thing about this entire episode. Her facial expressions and her skepticism about the whole process are hilarious and accurate.
In his conversation with Rachel’s mom, Peter tells her that he’s not going to ask for her “permission to marry his daughter” (which permission is not a word I like, but I digress) right not because he doesn’t feel right in doing it just yet. Mom seems to like this, because as long as he’s taking everything seriously, that’s really enough.
They chat some more, and Peter seems to leave on a positive note so we trudge on to the next one.
DALLAS DATE TWO: ERIC
Eric starts the date by saying that he was so nervous that he didn’t sleep. Welcome to my life, Eric. They start off by doing some sightseeing around Dallas and he talks a little more about growing up, what his family was like and reiterates that his hometown was the first time he’s brought a girl home.
Constance does not look overly impressed with Eric, she thinks that he’s not on the same playing field as Peter. When they chat, he tells her that he “loves Rachel unconditionally” and that he wants marriage, kids and the whole deal. However after the conversation, Constance states that she’s not sure how compatible they’ll be in the long run, and I tend to agree.
Eric asks for permission from her mom to marry Rachel, and mom kinda beats around the bush and says “at this point, if they are going to take the journey to marriage, she trusts Rachel’s choice”. Which is incredibly vague and doesn’t really tell him anything, but I respect it. Mama Rachel thinks all this is a bit fast and a bit ridiculous, it seems.
DALLAS DATE THREE: BRYAN
They’re both wearing their matching Swiss watches, which they should, those things aren’t cheap!
The day starts by meeting up with two of Rachel’s friends for brunch, they are apparently the two friends who convinced her to sign up for the show – so she either really likes them or really hates them by this point.
Bryan talks about himself a little bit more, he tells the girls about his occupation, age, says he’s ready for marriage, etc. Rachel openly admits that at first she ‘thought he was a douchebag’ which I absolutely love.
When they arrive at Rachel’s home, he talks a bit about his Colombian heritage, and how he only wants to be married once, and to build a family and what not. The family seems a bit skeptical of the way that he talks, because he seems to have all the right answers. They break out some tough love questions that make him briefly leave the room.
You can especially tell that Constance is not buying what Bryan is selling. She thinks he’s a charming smooth talker, and when he goes on a rant about how much he loves Rachel and her family already, you can’t help but agree with her.
Mom also questions the fact that he is using love so quickly into the relationship and she doesn’t really think its possible to love so quickly without even really knowing the person. He too, asks her for a blessing and mom disregards it totally and sends a very vague answer back at him.
How that they’ve all met the family, everyone is heading to Spain for the remaining days and for the fantasy suite part of our ‘journey’. We see some nice tourism-esque shots of Spain, with Rachel wandering through cobblestone streets and drinking wine.
Once again, they’ll all be getting some one-on-one time before Rachel sends one of them packing back to the ole US of A.
They start off by going up in a helicopter for a bit – this show really loves their sky transport, I feel like they must have some kind of barter system going with various companies being all “if you lend us your helicopter we’ll show it on our marginally successful USA reality show and it’ll bring 10s of people to your sky transport”.
They wander, have a picnic, drink some wine, kiss, ring a bell.. guys, this is the best I can do with this material.
During a chat, he tells Rachel he thought they had ‘emotional chemistry’ right from the start, whatever that means. I mean, people say Bryan is the charmer, but I kinda get that vibe from Eric as well. He spouts out all the right things, but it’s difficult to tell what he really means.
She gives him a note to invite him to the fantasy suite and he obviously accepts. The next morning, we see some shirtless Eric and some bathroom kissing, what did or didn’t they do? Guess we’ll never know. Unless someone decides to spill it on social media, which will likely happen.
The day starts in a vineyard. They talk to the wine maker who built his own vineyard about the same time he married his wife – 57 years ago. He sings to them and I immediately love him.
They take a set of keys and go to a private wine locker which has their names on it and it is filled with wine for them to take, THIS IS THE DREAM, FRIENDS. This is what we need to get through these long-ass shows.
Peter tells her that he didn’t ask her mom for permission to marry her and that he needs time for an engagement. Rachel tosses back that she doesn’t want a boyfriend after it is all over, she wants a fiancee.
This is a huge matter of contention between them, and they’re struggling to come to common ground so you know what that means…
TO BE CONTINUED
THE MEN TELL ALL
Onward we go straight into the Men Tell All. This was painful, and I’ve watched a lot of these Bachelor(ette) shows over the years. It was 90% Kenny and Lee drama and 10% everything else. Let’s try to get through this quickly and painlessly, shall we?
As always, Chris Harrison starts the show by saying it’s a “show like we’ve never seen before”. Yeah no, I got my doubts on this, Harrison.
The show starts by taking an excessively long look back at all of the ‘memorable moments’ of past “Tell All” specials. We’re treated to clips of friendships, reading mean tweets, that time they did an ultrasound on live TV and… Chad.
All the people we love to hate are already out on the stage including the Whaboom and Lee, and also the unforgettable “Tickle Monster”.
When Dean is introduced he gets ALL the applause. Could a bachelor stint be in his future? I guess we have to see if he survives Paradise first.
We get an overly dramatic recap of all Demario’s drama and then the guys go all in on what happened with him on the show – but no mentions of his Paradise shenanigans.
The guys start talking over each other, calling each other out, using their favourite word ‘disingenuous’ and it’s basically just one giant mess.
Kenny says he was just as annoyed as we were with all the Lee drama, and I somehow have my doubts? He also says Lee was ‘out of his league’ and he didn’t feel he was being overtly racist, he just didn’t belong there.
KENNY ON THE HOT SEAT
Because we need to go “deeper’ on this issue, Kenny takes the hot seat for a few (30) minutes. He says that in his younger years he would have handled the situation more aggressively, but he won’t now because of his daughter. All the other guys back him up by saying no one ever found him aggressive and he was more frustrated with the whole situation.
Lee says he should have handled the situation differently and been a ‘better friend’ to Kenny, which he quickly calls BS on.
This segment actually ends sweetly, when Kenny’s adorable daughter Mackenzie comes out on the stage to bring her dad a rose. She is very poised and mature for her age, and is very proud that her dad was ‘like number eight’ on the show. She’s probably the best part of this whole painful TWO HOURS.
LEE ON THE HOT SEAT
Because we need to hear even MORE about this drama, it’s Lee’s turn to say a few words, and boy, he should have probably called in ‘sick’ to this appearance.
Dean starts by saying that Lee was has not said he was sorry in any moment before being but on his blast for his awful tweets and he should have taken care of this two months ago, and not now.
A few of his tweets are shared and its pretty awful, he says some harsh things about feminists and compares the NAACP to the KKK. Lee is super uncomfortable when all this is happening, AS HE SHOULD BE. He is obviously a terrible person – who says those kind of things?
Lee says he’s ‘done things that are wrong’ but all his comments are vague. He obviously doesn’t want to apologize or talk about this issue any further, but in true bachelor style, Chris Harrison won’t let anything slide.
Eventually Lee does say that the ‘tweets were racist and I denounce it’. But I think it may be too little too late at this point. Kenny offers to help him become a ‘better person’ which is better than anything I would have offered him…
ONWARD TO DEAN
Everyone’s favourite sharp dresser, Dean takes the stage for a few minutes.
Chris says that “everyone loves themselves some Dean”. Truth, Chris H.
Dean talks about his dad drama again, and says they are still not talking and he’s not sure what will become of that relationship. He talks about how he’ll be going back for Paradise, which I unfortunately had read as a spoiler much before he was kicked off the show. Thanks, Twitter.
That’s about all of the discussion with him, I still think there’s a decent chance of him being the new Bachelor depending on how both the finale and Paradise play out.
Finally, after about 80% of the show is over, Rachel takes the stage for a few minutes. She says she missed many of them, but ‘not everybody’. Her and Dean have a moment where she says it was difficult for her to leave Dean, and they hug it out.
She calls Demario out for his handling of the situation where his ex showed up. She said if he had owned up to it, rather than pretended to not know who she was, she would have respected it more.
Rachel offers to give Lee a lesson on black history and women’s rights backstage and Lee kinda gives her a half-assed apology which you can tell she does not believe one bit.
There’s some random conversation between the guys and Kenny says to hit him up if things don’t work out with any of the final three.
The show ends with a few minutes of bloopers and we’re done!
Well, with that painful two hours, it’s on to the finale!
Who will ultimately win Rachel’s heart? Stay tuned to find out…