It’s that time of year folks – when skimpy bikinis with blurred out bottoms, drunken shenanigans and people confessing their sins to sea creatures hit our screens. So you know what that means, welcome to Bachelor in Paradise. I feel like this show is the dirty little secret of anyone who follows the Bachelor franchise. You moan and groan about it, but secretly, you’re living for every moment.
What will this year bring us? Let’s find out!
We start out with a Chris Harrison interlude. He states that everything that happened in the first few days with Corinne and Demario was “stressful for the whole cast and crew, including myself”. Well Chris, glad to know you weren’t immune to the drama?
He says that the first episode is going to focus on the 2.5 days that happened before the shutdown that everyone is talking about. Also keep in mind that this show generally only spans about 2-3 weeks, so 2.5 days doesn’t seem like much, but I’m sure it will be.
The intro kills me every, single year. Seriously, watch it.
1st to arrive – Raven. She tells Chris she’s nervous (and maybe she might have had a boob job since last time we saw her?). Chris says with her arrival that paradise has official begun. So buckle up, this is gonna be a ride, and not a good ride that you’d find at say Universal Studios. More like a mediocre, I kinda fear for my life a little bit ride you’d find at your local county fair.
2nd to arrive – DEAN! Yay. I can’t help but wonder if this is a test to see if people like him enough to be the Bachelor, much like what happened with Nick last season.
3rd – Kristina from Nick’s season. She’s best remembered from her interesting backstory – she was adopted at age 12 from Russia.
4th – Danielle, who I always refer to as “Krista” because she looks just like a girl know. Like, JUST LIKE.
5th – Ben who starts in right away telling Raven all about his history of pets, and how he really wants a ‘mom for his dog’. Run Raven, run!
6th – Iggy. Dean thinks Iggy is hotter than he remembered and then the two of them dramatically reunite.
7th – Jasmine, she’s looking forward to meeting Rachel’s ‘rejects’.
8th – Jack Stone, a lawyer from Rachel’s season, Jack is the only one who gets to have a last name, apparently.
9th – Alexis shows up wearing her ‘this is totally a shark but I’ll call it a dolphin’ costume. Which she quickly rips off to reveal a bikini underneath. Because, Paradise.
10th – Demario. Before he even shows up, a lot of the other contestants chatter about how he doesn’t stand a chance, based on his behaviour on Rachel’s season. Nonetheless he tells Chris that he’s the ‘sweetest guy in the world’. So I guess we get 2.5 days to be the judge of that.
11th – Derek from Jojo’s season, aka John Krasinski.
12th – Alex. Ugh Alex. He exudes “oh hi, I am likely a douchebag yes indeed’.
13th – Here, she is. It’s Corrine! She walks out holding two champagne glasses, one of her and one Chris and states that she’s going to “make paradise Corinne again”. Chris bluntly asks her if she has a boyfriend and she says no, which we all know by now is a straight up lie. She saunters off after Chris tells her that paradise is a ‘phenomenal place to take naps’.
At this point, after 13 people, one could start to assume that everyone has arrived? Nope, not even close.
14th – Lacey, who I have nothing interested to say about at this point.
15th – Diggy. Dean runs over to him right away and gives him a giant hug. Also, Dean is already drunk.
Corrine says that ‘guys have to make a gesture for her to want to get to know them’. Meanwhile, Demario says two words to her and she literally throws herself into his arms.
16th – Matt shows up in a penguin costume. Matt is from Rachel’s season.
17th – Nick shows up in full Santa gear. I really have no recollection of this guy beyond right now. Him and Jasmine start to make out almost immediately.
18th – Amanda, who is one of my least favourite contestants of the past few years. Should she have learned from her escapes with Josh last season? I guess not, because here she is. She makes a show of giving back her engagement ring from last year, which ya know, she was contractually obligated to do..
19th – Down comes “emotional intelligence Taylor” who is wearing a skirt so short she nearly needs a blurring.
THERE’S TOO MANY PEOPLE HERE GUYS.
HERE WE GO
Chris Harrison is narrating for us, he’s working for his money tonight. Not just sitting in his robe and drinking martinis, as someone said last season.
Derek/John says he’s here for romance and not bromance. So make of that what you will.
They get into a conversation about Tinder and Amanda says that she was rejected from “celebrity tinder”.
- There’s a celebrity Tinder?
- I don’t think a former bachelorette/bachelor in paradise contestant qualifies as a celebrity. But this IS 2017 and a lot more crazier things are happening.
Corrine and Demario are already all over one another. She’s sitting in his lap, they’re holding hands, it’s getting hot and heavy really quickly. They also go swimming in the pool together fully clothed.
Chris Harrison gives us the lowdown on how Paradise works, which everyone already knows. He says ‘everything is about to change’, Jorge comes out and says he’s starting his own business so he’ll be leaving, and in walks Wells who’s going to be taking over from him. Wells is a weird choice, since he’s not going to be going on dates or anything – which why are you back here Wells?! WHY?! Do you really have that little going on in your everyday life?! Bye, Jorge, we will miss you!
For the first time ever, the women have the ‘power’ this week, meaning they’ll be the ones giving out the roses.
The first date card comes out and it’s given to Kristina, who instantly asks Dean to go with him and he accepts.
Apparently Danielle and Wells have been friends for years, which is an interesting ‘coincidence’ (nothing is ever coincidental in Bachelor land).
Dean and Kristina get their flirt on in their date. They’re both a little awkward so it works.
Lacey has an irrational fear of crabs in her bed. I can’t even. It’s too easy. She also finds out that her grandfather passed away, so she will be leaving for a few days, which leaves her boo Iggy in a bit of a bind, since he thought he was getting her rose.
20th – (WHY ARE PEOPLE STILL SHOWING UP) Robby from Jojo’s season. He went far in her season, but I never liked him much. He’s got some kind of weird hair swoop on the go that Chris “wants to touch” in the way that you want to touch a cactus, but also don’t really want to. Obviously, he is given a date card right off the bat, because that’s how this show works.
After some chatter, he offers the date to Raven, who accepts. So far her and Dean seem to be hot commodities in the land of Paradise.
Robby and Raven start the date by doing some jet-skiing, but Raven quickly points out that she doesn’t think it’s going to work out between them because ‘he’s prettier than her and she can’t deal with his hair’.
Back on the beach, some beach volleyball (in bikinis, obviously) is taking place. It’s sunny there 24/7 – does production pay for their sunscreen I wonder? Because if so, that’s a hefty price tag. I hope they’re wearing SPF 60 for protection (they can at least protect their skin, if they’re not protecting.. ugh.. other places).
Another date card shows up, to which 2/3 in my viewing party thought someone screamed SKATEBOARD and we’re sadly mistaken.
Matt and Jasmine go out on a date together. The date is at a drag bar and it seems kind of amazing. They need a volunteer from the audience, so of course it ends up being Matt. He looks pretty great as “Virginia” and seems to be taking the whole thing in stride, because I mean, it does seem to be a lot of fun. Later in the night, you can still seem some glitter in his beard, which is super realistic because that shiz takes forever to get out of anything.
Most of the girls are paired off already, so the guys are making a last ditch effort to try and get someone to drag them to the next week.
Taylor didn’t think she would “feel feelings at all” use that emotional intelligence, girl. Her and Derek get got and heavy very quickly.
The producer pulls Corinne aside, and all of a sudden confusion breaks out. A producer shuts things down suddenly and the episode ends.
Before getting into the Demario/Corinne drama again, the second of this week’s episodes starts off with a wedding. Carly and Evan are getting married, something that few people would have saw coming after last year’s Bachelor in Paradise.
It’s the most bachelor filled wedding that one can possibly imagine, filled to the brim with contestants of bachelor(ette) past.
We get ‘treated’ to a montage of all the (few) weddings in Bachelor history and I just have to give props to the very first Bachelorette, Trista. Her and Ryan got married over 10 years ago and are still married today. That’s a feat for any couple these days, let alone a reality tv couple.
Also, who knew Chris Harrison has officiated so many of these weddings?! Wonder if he does random requests? If I’m ever to marry, I can’t think of a better officiant than him!
Jade (of Jade and Tanner) is one of Carly’s bridesmaids, as is Juelia, who’s existence I forgot about until this very minute.
A lot of pre-wedding things go down: Jade cries, Evan is his awkward self, a groomsman is rocking a serious man bun, Neil Lane provided the wedding rings (because of course), and that’s basically everything you need to know.
The wedding starts, they do some non-traditional wedding vows. Evan’s vows are extremely emotional and cheesy, which is what I like about him, he’s not afraid to let it all out. Carly promises to “learn CPR in case he ever fakes his death again” which is a nod to last year, when in order to get her attention, Evan pretended to pass out.
The end! Good luck to you guys, may you be as successful as Trista and Ryan.
THERAPY TIME WITH CHRIS HARRISON
After two weeks away, all the cast reassemble and get ready for some ‘family counselling time’ lead by Chris Harrison.
Chris says that an outside firm looked at all the footage from the first two days and did interviews. They determined that there was no misconduct by the cast on set. They all trust that conclusion and think that the whole thing got super over blown by the media. Shocking, the media would never do such a thing…
Many think that Demario was unfairly dragged through the media and they empathize with him. Diggy, in particular, thinks his long term career may be harmed by what happened.
Note: Since we (as outside viewers) don’t actually know the full ins and outs of what happened that night, I’m just going to straight up ‘report’ what the cast say about it all, and not interject with opinion on this part, as I don’t think its fair to criticize things that we do not have the full facts about.
Chris asks if they think race played a role in how everything was portrayed, and hesitantly they say yes. I mean VERY hesitantly.
Also, a conversation about consent is had. They all agree that someone who is passed out cannot give consent and Chris Harrison tells them to keep the issue of consent in the back of their minds at all times, as we all should, really.
He goes one-by-one through the cast and asks if they are all okay with continuing production, they all say yes right away and back we go.
BACK TO PARADISE
First up, as we learned in the previous episode, Wells pops in to take over for Jorge, who will be missed by all.
Apparently, Dean and Kristina spent a week together in the time they were away from the show. They road tripped to Chicago together, so I mean, that’s pretty serious. But will it last? This is paradise after all.
There’s a good bit of coupling up happening right from the get-go. Jasmine promises to give her rose to Matt, but he’d prefer to be ‘left in suspense’. Okay, Matt.
Derek gets a date card, which he instantly gives to Taylor. The date ends up being extremely dull and boring. They kiss, drink, it rains, they crawl in bed together at the end of the night. Make good choices, guys.
Lacey is upset that no one seems into her, and was really hoping that Daniel would be there, because he is the “total package’. Okay, so Daniel is the Canadian who makes me embarrassed to be a Canadian. He’s odd, over the top and well.. I can’t even really describe him properly. But he is not someone I would describe as the total package for sure. But, this obviously means we’re going to be seeing Daniel sooner than later.
Dean and Kristina get into a mini-fight and it’s pretty clear that she is way more into him, than he is her. Jasmine is also having some issues with Matt. Drama, drama all around – which is exactly what one would expect from this show.
There’s a dramatic shot of some feet coming down the stairs and bam! We’re done for the week.
(It’s Daniel, I’d bet good money that it’s Daniel).
Anyway, that’s it friends. We had to sit through FOUR HOURS of this show without a single rose ceremony. Four hours per week is going to be a very painful task to get through, but we’re all in this together, I promise.