Episode four starts out with some more Kristina and Dean drama. She is quite unhappy that he went on a date with “D. Lo” and his been ignoring her.
The guys sit around talking about a rose ceremony like we’re going to get one in the near future. What’s near to them is about two weeks, to us.
Down the ever revolving stairs of Paradise comes Sarah from Nick’s season. Thus far the beach is overpopulated by Rachel and Nick knockoffs. I don’t know much about Sarah, but she shows up with a date card, so someone is about to know her well.
Raven says that her and Sarah ‘spent the night with Adam’ when they were in Dallas during the production shut down, make of that what you may. What’s really surprising is all the girls that are after Adam, I wouldn’t have seen that coming. Perhaps his lookalike doll brings all the girls to his yard?
Sarah picks Adam for the date, Raven pretends she’s okay with it. She isn’t. Sarah might have picked Ben if he didn’t go on a tangent about his dog, again.
Adam and Sarah go on an non-eventful date which involves them strolling through Mexico at dark and having a few drinks together. In comparison with some other dates put off by this show, it seems rather lame. They must be saving the budget for Jorge, who’s coming up later on.
Wells and Danielle seem to have a mild thing for each other. Well, she’s more into him than he is her. They attempt to make a ‘if we’re still single at 40 deal’, but it falls apart before it gets anywhere.
A date card shows up and is given to Lacey, who was just complaining that she’s never been on a one-on-one date on the show before. After some chatter amongst the men, she decides to invite Diggy on the date with her.
On the date, the start off by doing (what I consider) the least romantic thing ever – horseback riding. And then the meet up with Jorge who gives a tour, since he has a new tour company. However, the new tour company is in fact called “Nayarit Uncovered Tours” and not “Jorge’s Tour-geys”, which I mentioned in a previous recap.
After the date, Dominique from Nick’s season shows up, and Taylor instantly goes on a tear about how Diggy hasn’t clicked with anyone yet and he’d be a great one to take out on a date. As one can imagine, Lacey is super unhappy about this turn of events. As this show is nothing if not incredibly predictable, Dominque picks Diggy to go out on the date with her. He accepts, Lacey is angry. So you know, it’s basically the circle of life around these parts.
Since she’s been unlucky in finding love, Danielle decides to leave Paradise. Before she leaves, she does have a little farewell parting with Wells. Will that go anywhere post-show? I guess that remains to be seen. But at least now I can stop instinctively calling her Krista, after a lookalike pal.
The rest of the show is devoted to the paradise shut down. It’s a live in studio audience with Chris Harrison (who is working for his money this season, I tell ya).
I’m going to spare the in-depth details on this one. Because there’s really nothing to report that we didn’t already know.
There’s some chatter from the cast about what they saw go down that night (nothing). Then Demario comes out and pleads his case – he says he was dragged by the media (which I absolutely do not doubt) and he was horrified about some of the (untrue) things that were said about him in the news.
Also, part way through the chat, out pop Carly and Evan to the stage. Who announce that they are having a baby – something that the media knew weeks before this aired. We even know by this point that they are having a girl, which must be a nice change for Evan, since he already has three boys. In the grand tradition of the Bachelor franchise making everything weird and awkward, they have an ultrasound on live tv, as you do.
Next week, we’ll see what Corinne has to say, which will likely be as vague as this week.
On to the next one:
Episode five opens with the girls playing a game with Jack Stone where they put random food in his mouth so that he can try and guess what’s being fed to him. Raven has a name for the game that’s almost unintelligible. Which says a lot coming from me, who’s dialect is… unique (yes, that’s a larger me in the video).
It’s all fun and games until Alexis attempts to feed him a dead crab, luckily it doesn’t go quite that far and the game ends, with Jack Stone quite upset that she would attempt to do that to him. Alexis and Jack seem to have some kind of weird ‘playground’ relationship on the go, where they flirt like kids on a playground would.
Wells goes on a rant about how Jasmine is nice but a little bit ‘much’. Jasmine states that her relationship with Matt is going well, so we all know that’s basically the kiss of death. Which it is when “Christen” arrives. She’s (obviously) from Nick’s season.
Although Christen has been informed that Matt is “with” Jasmine, he makes a point of telling her that if she asked him out, he wouldn’t object. You can imagine how well this is going to go down with Jasmine. She freaks out and says to the camera “you like good TV ABC? I’m about to give you good TV”. At this point, all the executives of the show are deeply honoured by Jasmine taking the time to offer them a good show. They are not about to object to any of these happenings.
The freakout of Jasmine goes on for far too long. Omg are we not going to get another rose ceremony this episode? We’re not are we? We’re averaging about one rose ceremony every FIVE HOURS. Anyone have any bootleg moonshine to send my way? I think I need it after watching all these painful, painful hours.
Alexis has very long-winded story is explained about how Christen once opened up a baggie of scallops when a bunch of people were driving in a car together and how she was eating them with her ‘bare fingers’. From this, she earns the nickname of “Scallop Fingers”. Be warned guys, this is a nickname that lasts this entire episode, and I feel like it’s going to go even further than that. They even change the ‘profession’ under Christen’s name to “Scallop Fingers”.
As soon as Matt and Christen’s date is over, Jasmine basically climbs him like a pole and starts making out with him. It’s is awkward as that sentence. Meanwhile, Christen starts munching on some shrimp and the other girls can contain their laughter after the Scallop Fingers story of earlier that day.
Meanwhile, outside the disaster of Christen and Jasmine is the disaster of Amanda and Robby. He’s trying too hard to make a good impression on her, and she is really not feeling it. Move along, Robby. I swear you and your weirdly styled hair can take it.
Derek and Taylor get into an argument where he says “eff you” to her. He says that he meant it “sarcastically” but Taylor is having none if it and storms off in a fit of tears. Could the most stable couple in Paradise be over? Nope.
There’s a half hour of show left, are we going to finally get a rose ceremony? I would not count on it.
Before the cocktail party starts, Chris Harrison pops in for a second and tells them that ‘just when they think they have paradise figured out, things change’. I guess we’ll figure out whatever that means in a little bit.
Diggy tells Lacey that Dominique will be getting his rose tonight and she is not here for it. Drama!
Also, although they had a great date, Matt insinuates to Christen that Jasmine will get his rose. Which may-or-may-not be because he’s afraid of her, but ya know.
However, in a twist of events, Matt actually decides that he doesn’t want to deal with all the drama around him and leaves Paradise in search of.. who knows. Either way, this is going to mean a lot of girls are going home tonight, as he would have been giving a rose out.
Just as the rose ceremony is about to being, someone else joins them in Paradise and it’s… DANIEL. We all knew he was coming, so this is sure to be interesting.
Stay tuned for next week when who knows what else will happen!