I joke a lot about needing alcohol to get through these episodes. Truth is, I’m not much of a drinker, but I might have to up my quantity to get me through the train wreck that is Bachelor in Paradise, Summer #3.
According to Dominique, Paradise is ‘winding down’. After two rose ceremonies? TWO. This season has definitely been weird. After the shut down of production, it just has not seemed like a ‘typical’ season of Bachelor in Paradise. As dramatic as it gets sometimes, it’s still not the level of insanity that we’ve seen in the past, and quite frankly, it’s been a little bit of a disappointment.
We start in right away with the Dean love triangle drama. Jasmine is disappointed with “Deanie Baby” which is unfortunately, his instagram handle. Dean once again asks Kristina to ‘be patient’ with him, which in the context of this show makes absolutely no sense. It’s not as if they’re in Mexico for weeks or anything, it’s just days. So basically he is asking for permission to hang out and kiss (and whatever else) Danielle in front of her – oh hell no.
Kristina gets angry and calls it like it is to Dean. She tells him that she’s done with his antics and doesn’t want to deal with him anymore. Also, can I just say – Kristina for Bachelorette 2018? Actually can we just escape the disaster-in-waiting that its going to be Arie and just go right to her?
Jasmine, with a lack of prospects after the departure of Matt, decides to set her eyes on the Tickle Monster – which is hilariously what everyone is calling him. Still cannot believe that is a doctor, in real life.
Blake, one of the contestants from Rachel’s season, is next to make his way down the steps of Paradise. You may remember him for the fight that he got into with the “Whaboom” (these are words that no person should ever have to write). The fact that he’s coming in so late doesn’t bode well for him, he’s likely not going to have much opportunity at this point.
He asks the “bros from his season to have a man chat” with him, so obviously I hate him already.
This ‘man chat’ may prove useless though, because all the girls have seen Rachel’s season and are none too impressed with Blake. They figure he’s boring and will just talk about the Whaboom all the time, they’re probably not wrong.
Blake ends up asking Kristina out on a date, she says no (but she probably should have said yes).
Then, because the revolving cast is still not done spinning, in walks Fred. He is probably best know from Rachel’s season as the contestant who knew her since they were children. She could never get past the fact that she remembered him as a trouble making child, so she sent him hime. Obviously, he too shows up with a date card.
After his rejection from Kristen, Blake chats up Christen and deems her “the only one I can talk to that doesn’t feel like pulling teeth”. That Blake sure isn’t much of a smoother talker. She ends up accepting the date card.
Blake and Christen, Fred and Dominique end up going on (to me) one of the best Bachelor franchise dates of all time. They start off by going out on the ocean on a very fast boat (where Christen gets mildly seasick), followed by zipping, followed by jumping on inflatables that sends you flying into the ocean. What a great time! Bachelor – if all your dates were this fun you might be worth signing up for! Wait no, this series is never worth signing up for, I’d rather get a lightly anaesthetic-ed dental procedure done.
After everyone is back from their dates, Chris Harrison enters and tells them that there will be no new arrivals this week and that there’s a rose ceremony tonight.
This doesn’t mean that there’s no more dates though – Robby gets one and he and Amanda set off together.
Side Note: myself and my friend that I watch with came up with what we think is a great idea for these date cards – why not introduce a competition element? Instead of just handing out date cards randomly, why not make them work for it a little? It would be way more entertaining for the audience, who is the most important part of the show! Chris Harrison – if this happens next season, we’re taking 100% of the credit for this!
Ben is sad that he likely won’t be getting a rose, so he decides to spare himself and head home early. To no one’s surprise, ge tells the cameras that he’s ‘ready to get home and see my dog”. I really hope that dog is happen to see him when he arrives, otherwise he’s going to be quite the sad Ben.
Wells explains to Christen the origin of the “scallop fingers” story and she really does not understand or get it at all.
Side Note Two: DO NOT play a drinking game with the word “scallops” in this episode. You’ll be drunk within two minutes, so please be responsible and pick another word!
Danielle wearing a glittery bikini top OVER a regular top is grounds for her to be sent home.
Dean tells Danielle he’s going to pursue a relationship with her and when he tells Kristina this, she basically storms out and says “f**k this situation”. Agreed, Kristina.
Kristina then gets into a bit of a fight with Raven, who tells her not to blame Danielle for the situation. Raven usually gives decent advice, but not in this situation. Dean shouldn’t have strung both girls along for long, but Danielle is not totally innocent in the situation either. Kristina gets SO CLOSE to a throwing a drink right in Raven’s face. Which is my favourite childhood soap opera move, so I’m kind of disappointed when it doesn’t happen.
Here we go! We start off with the known pairings:
Lacey – Daniel
Taylor – Derek
Amanda – Robby
Raven – Adam
Dominique – Iggy
Jasmine – Tickle Monster
Christen – Since her love square is now a triangle, she picks Jack Stone.
Kristina – She gives a spiel that passive aggressively throws Dean under the bus, and decides to leave, she doesn’t even give out a pity rose to one of the guys left standing.
Danielle – Dean thinks she’ll quit too, but she most definitely does not and gives her rose to Dean. Ugh, at this point I don’t care for either of these people. Dean definitely undid all of the goodwill he earned during the Bachelorette by appearing on Paradise and it shows why he was definitely not adept to be a leading Bachelor. Still though, he would have been a better choice than Arie.
In the final moments, Fred & Blake leave as quickly as they entered.
Guys, this is my THIRD episode in one day, I’m going to need to detox once this is over.
We start by Jaimi entering, she is from Nick’s season and upon entering she states that she’s openly bisexual (about time, Bachelor franchise) and that she wants to take some time to chat to some cool guys and girls.
After some chats, she opts to take Diggy out on a date, and much to Jasmine’s dismay, he accepts.
Then, in walks two infamous figures of Bachelorette and Bachelor in Paradise seasons past – Haley and Emily. I never have and never will be able to tell those two apart. They (duh) come in with date cards, Emily wants Dean, Haley wants Derek, both of which is not going to happen, but they don’t exactly take no for an answer.
The twins refer to Jack Stone as a ‘serial killer’ which is a reference I do not understand, nor do I want to take the time to google. Also the girls have no idea what scallops are, one thought it was a vegetable. Oh dear.
Haley ends up asking Jack Stone (despite his serial killer-ness) on a date, and he accepts. Meanwhile, Emily is really pushing hard to get Dean to go out with her, you can tell that he really wants to say yes, but after all the drama that just went down with Kristina, he figures that it’s probably not a good idea.
Emily goes so far as to ask Danielle if she would be okay with him going on a date with her. Danielle basically says that it’s ‘his choice’ but Dean holds firm and says no. A very, very passive no.
The twins are extremely upset at this point about the lack of selection available to them. But really, Paradise is nearly over, did they really expect anything different?
In an interview with Jasmine, she’s drinking Starbucks. Are they actually permitted to leave the confines of Paradise in order to get some coffee? Or is all a quick marketing ploy? My bet is on the latter.
Jack Stone has a change of heart, and whats to make a go of things with Christen, so he decides not to go on the date with the twins. This really sends them into a fit of rage and they storm out of Paradise – never to be seen again? Jack says that the twins will ‘go home, watch Frozen, play with fidget spinners and be alright’. BURN Jack Serial Killer Stone. BURN.
In the midst of all this, Derek says he’s in love with Taylor, which is our very first (and only?) love of Bachelor in Paradise, 2017.
Chris Harrison pops in for a quick margarita with the gang. JK he shows up to tell them that this will be their last day in paradise! The end!
This episode was mercifully only ONE hour long, which was a pleasant surprise.
Check back in a couple of days when I bring you my thoughts on the finale!