Reality TV

The Bachelor Episodes 2 & 3 – Tears and Fears

Episode two of this fabulous (can you feel the sarcasm?) second episode starts with a very cheesy shot of Arie putting on his sunglasses and getting on his motorcycle.

After that needless shot, we waste no time in getting straight into this week’s action. Meaning that Chris Harrison shows up with a date card. It is a one-on-one that Becca K (not to be confused with likely 21 year old Bekah) is getting. What a lucky girl.

DATE ONE: PLAYING ALL HIS CARDS

Is he proposing already?! (No, he’s not, unfortunately).

I guess the first shot on the motorcycle was warranted because the date starts with the two of them hopping on one. But first, Arie does up her jacket as though she’s never seen a zipper before.

After some brief cycling, they show up to a place with all kinds of lobsters and other seafood laid out. This leads (for unknown reasons) to celebrity stylist Rachel Zoe popping out and saying hi. This makes me wonder, are the girls informed in advance who is going to be showing up? Because honestly, I would have had no idea who this person was if Google hadn’t provided me with all the information. Imagine how embarrassing that would be! Random mildly famous celebrity pops out in front of you and then it’s just… crickets.

After getting some styling, Arie presents Becca with a box containing the famously red soled Christian Louboutins. She’s very into it, but that’s a pretty stereotypical ‘girl gift’. Could they not have presented her with a fancy box containing first row seats to a hockey game?! Oh that’s just my dream? Never mind.

After this, our BFF Neil Lane sends over some jewellery for their later evening date. Is Arie playing all his cards in this one date? It seems awfully elaborate for someone he’s probably spoken a total of 50 words to, prior to today.

Becca shows up back the at the den o’girls and they are all crying over her designer goods. Crying.

We are treated to an up close shot of the necklace that she received from Neil Lane, so I guess this show must be boring something from its Canadian counterpart.

In general, Becca actually seems half normal, and she’s not falling at his feet just yet. She has potential. At the end of the date, Arie informs her that she gets to keep the earrings. So just the earrings and nothing else? Not the fancy clothes or the Leboutons? Rip off!

KRYSTAL

For date number two, Arie and Krystal the online fitness instructor meet up at an airstrip. They are heading to his hometown of Scottsdale, Arizona. While on the plane, there’s a fairly elaborate plate of snacks in front of them that remains untouched. I really hope that a producer/camera person/whoever gets to eat some of that food, god knows they deserve it.

They go to his old high school and then they head to the house that he currently lives in. It’s a nice house, that’s not over the top fancy, which I appreciate. They also watch some old home videos of him, which is surprisingly intimate for this early in the game.

If that wasn’t enough, the final stop of the day is Arie’s parents house. Krystal meets them along with his brother. It’s very weird. Also, Krystal kind of looks like a young version of his mom, so make what you will out of that.

My main annoyance with Krystal is the way that she talks. She’s pretty soft spoken, but it’s hard to explain how she uses her voice. If I talked in that tone you would think I was being sarcastic 24/7. Which I basically am, but I can hide it!

Anyway, to end the date a random unknown singer shows up and they dance awkwardly in font of him. So you know, typical Bachelor fare.

THE BEST GROUP DATE EVER?

Were all the girls told to show up in athletic gear? I really hope so, because otherwise this is a 15 person coincidence.

Arie shows up in some kind of a demolition car and does a few donuts. I could do better, Arie (no joke).

They’re going to have a demolition derby, that actually sounds amazingly fun. I would be so into this date. The last woman standing gets a ‘trophy’ (please don’t let this be a metaphor for more time with Arie, please).

Annaliese says that this date is ‘her worst nightmare’ because of a ‘traumatic childhood bumper car experience’. FYI the experience was that she got on some bumper cars, and the other kids kept ramming their cars into hers. Which is kinda the point? The producers non-subtly make fun of her by doing a hilarious ‘reenactment’ which is sadly not on youtube to share with you all.

Chris lays down a burn and says that ‘this could be the first time Arie wins something on the race track’. Keep ‘em coming, Harrison.

The girls are beating the crap out of the cars and it is amazing. Brittany is out for blood, but her car dies and it comes down between Sienne and southern Tia. Sienne is the champion, and she does win a small trophy, so I’m glad it wasn’t metaphorical after all.

Later that evening, Chelsea pulls him aside first, again. She tells him she has a child, which he doesn’t seem to care about too much. The other girls are annoyed she thinks she’s more important bc she has a kid.

Sienne went to Yale. Sienne is probably too smart for him.

Bibiana storms out and slams the door, she’s annoyed that she hasn’t gotten any time with Arie yet, because all the other girls keep getting to him first.

Theres an awkward, prolonged scene of Arie & Bekah making out, there’s even cheesy music playing.

Group date rose goes to: Sienne, but he makes it first seem like he’s going to give it to Chelsea. Stupid producers move?

COCKTAIL PARTY

Bibiana is still there, so I guess she got over whatever was happening, she plans on ‘getting in early’ on the cocktail party.

Brittany apparently got hurt at the demolition derby, so she gets the first chat.

Bekah pulls him away for another chat, and they do some more kissing. Do some more kissing makes me sound like I’m a 12 year old girl. She says she’s ‘not full of drama and easy to please” that probably means the total opposite, yes?

The other girls are angry that Krystal went in for more one on one time, when a lot of girls haven’t talked to him at all yet.

He’s just starting a chat with Bibiana and Krystal interrupts again, to which he should just say no. Bibiana calls her out on it and her ‘fake tone’. The argument keeps going and Bibiana is getting angrier and angrier.

ROSE CEREMONY

In order of call:

1. Maquel

2. Jacqueline

3. Bekah

4. Jenna

5. Chelsea

6. Lauren S

7. Tia

8. Annaliese

9. Lauren B

10. Kendall

11. Brittany

12. Ashley

13. Marikh

14. Caroline

15. Bibiana

(Krystal, Becca & Sienne already have roses)

We’re down another Lauren!

Some random girl gets upset and snubs him as she leaves, no hug, no anything. She doesn’t want to leave because she ‘made friends’ which is the best answer she could have given us.

EPISODE 3

Chris Harrison tell us that not everyone will be going on a date this week, so that instantly stirs up some unease. There will be two group dates and one, one-on-one. He tells the girls that they are ‘fun dates’ which should probably scare all of them.

We waste no time jumping right into…

GROUP DATE ONE – QUESTIONABLE BOXING

Getting some professional help. But maybe not the kind some of them need…

They’re going to be doing a Glow parody this week and wrestle in front of a live audience. They bring in some ladies who actually starred in the original 1980’s Glow to give the girls some pointers to work on their boxing personas.

Let’s just say these ladies mean business. The Bachelorette women get told off for being too smiley and nice and they get trash talked by the ladies of Glow. Tia can’t quite take the trash talk and leaves the ring alongside Bibiana. They are not impressed by what is going down.

While the girls are practicing I spot a Lululemon logo that has not been blurred out. Shoulda got a bit of sponsorship out of that, ABC. Lord knows they can afford it with their $100 leggings.

The girls each get assigned their alter egos and head back to the ring. Just before their fights take place, in pops Kenny from Rachel’s season. This makes sense because he is actually a professional wrestler. He spends some time in the ring with Arie and slams him so hard that it’s hilarious.

That’s about all that happens, the girls all wrestle, but there’s no ‘winner’ or anything to this date.

In the cocktail party, again, not a lot of anything happens. Bibiana brings up the drama between her and Krystal to Arie, which is probably not going to go over well and will likely end in her being sent home. Other than that, Arie and Bekah suck face at every opportunity and he gives her the rose. The end. Of this date.

ANOTHER LAUREN BITES THE DUST

“The card says something about merlot, so I think there’s going to be wine” – Lauren S. They’re jumping on some sky transport to head to Napa, so I think your intuition was correct, Lauren.

On the date, Arie says that in the last few years he’s been going to bed earlier and wearing more cardigans. This is the only time he’s ever been relatable to me.

Lauren S is 31, so she’s actually one of the more age appropriate ladies of this season.

During their supper date, Lauren goes on such a long-winded rant that you can almost see Arie’s eyes start to glaze over. He’s so bored that he actually starts to EAT THE FOOD in front of him. This is Bachelor history in the making, friends.

After all of the talking, Lauren does NOT get a rose. It’s probably because he couldn’t get a word in edgewise. But at this same time, it’s pretty rare for a girl to be sent home on a one-on-one situation this early in the ‘game.’ But on a positive note, we’re now down to only one Lauren!

WHO LET THE DOGS OUT (SORRY)

Lost scene from a superhero movie gone horribly awry.

Arie shows up with a random dog. Oh it’s his, and not one that he dog-napped, as I was beginning to suspect.

Remember Annaliese from the last episode? The one with the demolition derby phobia? Yeah. So. Turns out she also has a dog phobia. I feel like she must have been the fun-police as a child, because she seems to be scared of a lot of fun things. Does she have a crippling fear of cotton candy as well?

The production team of this show is amazing sometimes and treats us to a ‘reenactment’ to make fun of her, it is glorious.

The point of this date is that they’re going to thang out with a bunch of puppies and attempt to work with them on a stage, in costume. Lots of costume dates this week.

It does not go well. None of the girls are especially talented in dog training and it’s so bad that not even all of them are featured, they zip through this segment VERY quickly.

The cocktail party is rather dull as well. Nothing much of note happens besides Chelsea being smug and Annaliese babbling on and on. Oh, and Chelsea gets the group date rose, yay.

CANDY (COCKTAIL) PARTY

Time to say goodbye to Annaliese and her plethora of phobias.

Arie starts the cocktail party by quickly pulling Sienne away for some chat time.

Bibiana creates some kind of outdoor bed situation so that her and Arie can sit on it and stargaze. However, her plans quickly go awry when he stumbles upon it when chatting with Lauren B (our last remaining Lauren). Bibiana tries to interrupt them, but Arie is having none of it, so she basically went through all that work for nada! Perhaps she shouldn’t have put it in such a well-trafficked area? Just sayin’.

Arie asks Bekah if she wants to get married and she deflects the answer. She does say that he likes her because she doesn’t need him, and most of the other girls he’s been with do. It’s surprising intuitive, but it’ll be interesting on how things go when he finds out her true age.

A couple of the girls are talking in the mansion and all I can see behind them is SO MUCH CANDY. There are jars filled with all kinds of candy. Screw the alcohol, this is what I would be spending all my time eating!

Arie brought Tia some moonshine, since she’s from Alabama. It’s without a label which makes me wonder where it’s from. I once went on a tour of a moonshine distillery in Tennessee. They let us sample 9. I left there day drunk and ate a million tacos. That stuff is insanely potent.

He shoots down Annaliese when she tries to kiss him and says he’s ‘not there yet’ with her. Meanwhile he’s literally kissed every other girl there more than once. She returns to ask him to clarify what he means (umm…) and he basically says there is no future for them, so she might as well head on home.

That’s two girls down before the rose ceremony even starts.