‘Siren’ 1×5 Review: “Curse Of The Starving Class”

Welcome Back, Siren fans! This week takes us deeper into the lives of the residents of Bristol Cove, (henceforth named BC for this purposes of this review), and get this, there’s a time jump to one month later! Chris is now in Alaska, still being dumb and now stalked  by the doctor from the lab.  The doctor tracks Chris to a bar and questions him about everything he knows about Ryns sister, which as we all know is zero, because Chris is DUMB.  Dude looks like he’s about to take a pop quiz all the time and he has no #2 pencils.  Ben and Maddie (henceforth named Baddie for the purposes of this review) are sort of on the outs, because Ben has been staying out late every night searching for Ryn.  Maddie is not jealous Ryn, (refreshing) just concerned about Ben’s obsession with finding her again.

Meanwhile…. there is something wrong with the fish in BC and Baddie is working together to figure out what is going on.  Ben agrees to go work for his dad to find a better way to fish because local fisherman keep getting hurt, hmmm I wonder why?  Baddie is about to have makeup sex on the kitchen table, when Ryn’s tracking device lights up Ben’s computer, total BUZZ KILL,  but the duo head to the beach to track her down.  Meanwhile, Ryn and her sister, Donna, fresh ashore, get into an argument in the woods about good people v bad people, obviously, Donna doesn’t trust humans at this point.  I don’t blame her, the lab was super shitty to her and stole her DNA.

Ryn and her little sis need some clothes, they can’t  just run around naked, in the wilderness, this ain’t Cochella!   Ryn decides they should break into the local high school and steal cheerleader uniforms and football jersey’s, Go Whalers! (That’s an inside joke) Baddie finds them thanks to Ryn’s tracking device and boy is Ryn happy to see her friends.  Her sister however, is not pleased and she is PISSED when she spots a dissected eel in the classroom and thinks they killed her food.  Donna is about to go ballistic, when Helen also shows up and everyone is reunited YAY!  Only not, because Donna gives zero fucks that they are all friends, because while Ryn was making friends and being nurtured back to health, Donna was being tortured everyday!  Now all the sirens are dying, and there is no food to eat in the ocean, because Ben’s family is over fishing and killing off all the marine life in the process.  It’s hard out there in those streets ya’ll!  The government is behind all of this though, and is posing as a ghost fishing company, who also conveniently bought up all of Bens family’s fishing business haul.  The goal is to starve the Sirens to death and  force them out of the water. and Donna get into a highly entertaining wrestle mania fight over her trust issues and Donna bolts leaving Ryn alone with her friends.  Baddie takes Ryn back to their house and Helen decides looks for Donna.  Ryn is confused and sad that her sister kicked her ass, but she is loyal and decides to wait for her sister to come back to her.  She and Maddie share a sweet yet erotic moment, and Ryn kisses her after she learns what a family is and what a mother is.  She tells Maddie she is love.

We get to know a little bit more about Ben’s family this week.  Ben’s mom invites Maddie to lunch with the hopes of sniffing out the scoop on what her son is up to.  According to her, he likes saving injured things, but once he has saved them, he moves on to the next thing.  I’m not sure how to feel about Ben’s mom yet?  I know she cares about Ben and doesn’t seem evil just rich and unaware. She reminds me of Nikki on 90’s Y&R.  But I digress, she asks Maddie if she is Ben’s latest project and tells her not to be offended by that statement, because she was his first after a boating accident, left her paralyzed from the waist down.  Surprisingly, Maddie is offended (that’s sarcasm) and excuses herself, as she is saved by a an emergency text from Ben.  Maddie thanks Ben’s mom for the salad and tells her she is not Ben’s latest project and leaves her there alone sipping her wine. Check.  YOUR move Ben’s mom.

Aside: Who wants to bet Ben’s dad knows exactly what is going on and he is working with the government to get his wife a cure from siren blood or siren fin or what other weird shit they think they need Ryn and her sis for? End of Aside.

Elsewhere in BC, Chris reunites with his dumb friends and fills them in on his visit from the doctor while in Alaska.  He thinks that Donna is some sort of serial killer and that he’s lucky to be alive.  Yep.  That’s it Chris, keep on using your brain to its fullest potential.  One of Chris’s friends is starting to put the pieces together, although I don’t know how, unless the executive producers dropped him a plot line.  Because, this dude is like, guys I think the government stole the mermaid we caught and is trying to cover it up! (insert your own gif) Chris is like Nah!  Mermaids aren’t real yo!  But Donna is a serial killer and almost murdered me!  Ok part of that statement is true, but whatever.  Chris, seriously, how are you still alive?  How did you find your way to Alaska?  A float trip?  Did you hitchhike?  I feel like these are legitimate questions that need to be asked.

The final moments of Siren leaves us with confirmation that Helen is indeed a mermaid, I called it last week!  Helen finds Donna on the beach and brings her some fresh fish, because she knows the way to a sirens heart.  Donna agrees to go back to Helen’s house, and Helen tells her that she will help both her, and Ryn get back to the ocean where they belong.  Donna stares at her in disbelief until Helen drops this little nugget “You know why I will help you? Because, I am one of you”  Guys,  Donna’s eyes got big, my eyes got big, and my Moscow mule got sweeter.

This week answered one major question, in regards to Helen, but opened the door for a  lot more.  However, I was somewhat satisfied with the breadcrumbs I was given.  As per usual, I maintain that Chris is a dumb character and a total waste of screen time. Until next week my loves!

Rants/Raves/legit questions:

  • What caused Ben’s mom’s boating accident?  Was it a siren?
  • Why did Helen abandon her Siren clan? Did she get caught? or was she Original Ariel?
  • Can she still morph into a mermaid at will?
  • Is Maddie’s mom a Siren and that’s why she “disappeared”?
  • How does Helen make any money? Her shop is always closed.
  • Should we trust Ben’s dad?
  • Dude, I still wanna road trip to BC
  • Tax dollars are being spent to look for mermaids
  • The whole hissing thing the Sirens do when they get upset or angry sounds similar to a cat, is it supposed to?
  • Do sirens eat cats?
  • Chris is still dumb, can Donna eat him?
  • Ryn didn’t understand what a mother was, do Sirens have mothers? How are they born? Where are the mermen? I need answers!!

Siren airs on Freeform Thursdays 8/7c.

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