The Bachelorette might be over, but the drama is just getting started as our favorite (and not-so-favorite) rejects unite for Bachelor In Paradise, which might just be the juiciest of all the Bachelor shows.
Not maybe. Definitely.
The two-night premiere kicked off with a whole lot of drama, reminding us that math is not just for the classroom, as Blake found himself in a love triangle that morphed into a square and quite possibly a pentagon. That was a big focal point of the premiere, and it’s just getting started.
From John Paul Jones to the woman that’s petrified of birds to the whole love square to my longing for one perfect Big Mike, here are five questions we have after the first week of Bachelor in Paradise.
1. When did Blake become a man whore?
I still remember Blake as the guy left full-on sobbing in the humidity of whatever tropical island Becca’s Bachelorette season was filming. I wasn’t really a fan of him or Garrett, but I couldn’t help but feel for the guy having a breakdown in the middle of the rain forest. He seemed like a sweet guy with the best interests of his girl at heart. And yet, we find Blake pursuing/dating/kissing/possibly having sex with multiple women in Paradise. Whether it’s Hannah G. or Tayshia or Caelynn or Kristina, we have a full-on love square happening with Blake at the center. What happened, Blake?
2. What’s the real story with this Blake/Caelynn thing?
Obviously there’s a television edit to everything you witness with reality TV, especially The Bachelor franchise. So you can’t always assume you know the whole story. Which is why this whole Blake/Caelynn situation is a headscratcher. Caelynn claims they were dating before Paradise — when they hooked up at Stagecoach. Blake claims they were not dating to try and absolve him from sleeping with Caelynn one day after sleeping with Kristina, who showed up at the most opportune time. So what’s the whole truth and nothing but the truth? Blake released text messages that showed that Caelynn was okay with it just being a hookup. But she says that her side of the story was twisted. Hmm.
3. Why does this show continue to invite Annaliese back?
In what has become an annual tradition over the last couple of years, Paradise returned bird-fearing Annaliese, who at first glance you feel sorry for before you realize she’s stirring more drama than someone like Demi, who everyone likes to point fingers at. This time, Annaliese is grief-stricken over the fact that Clay, who recently broke up with her friend from the show, has the nerve to try dating in Paradise. OMG. It’s like, that’s not what Paradise is intended for *eye roll* I don’t really see the appeal of Annaliese and why this show continues to bring her back. Though, if my gut’s right, we won’t have to deal with her much longer.
4. How is John Paul Jones so perfect even when vomiting up a taco?
Favorites are few and far between so far in Paradise, where there’s drama around pretty much every commercial break. But John Paul Jones is the guy. He’s amazing in every way, even when he’s vomiting up a taco with too much hot sauce. The poor guy is puking his guts out, and yet, he’s apologizing to Jane(?) who is a wreck over the whole thing, as she was the one that offered it. (Also, this girl literally drank this hot sauce from the bottle and is perfectly fine, for what it’s worth.)
5. Is Mike here yet?
I’m not going to lie, I’m just sitting here patiently waiting for the moment Mike reappears on my screen. Not that Mike is exactly the kind of guy I’d expect to see in Paradise — he’s more Bachelor material *wink* — but maybe this place needs someone like him. I’m torn because, on the one hand, I don’t foresee him lasting long on this show. But, on the other, how the hell wouldn’t he last on this show? Look at him. Listen to him. He’s freaking Bachelor material.
Bachelor in Paradise airs every Monday and Tuesday at 8/7c on ABC.