I’d like to say that I will, at some point, be sorry for what I am going to write, but I also know that I am an asshole at times, and like so many people in the world I am led astray by my hormones.
Look, what is beautiful to the eye is just that: beautiful to the eye.
Tom Holland set the world on fire yesterday with the release of his photos for GQ Style. And personally, I feel like it was an assault of the senses. It was as if there was no respect for the fact that I am trying to get over the thirst traps that are out there in the world, and instead it was like hello, calling. The calling spoke loudly, and screamed at me that it wasn’t about to let me go.
So here I am, analyzing Tom Holland’s GQ photos and speaking what some may deem to be inappropriate. Blame GQ, blame Holland, I don’t really care. There was no way to see the photos and not think that anyone with an appreciation for the finer British things wasn’t going to compliment them.
The thirst trap has been laid.
Lets talk about it. And bear in mind, this is not for young eyes.
Picture #1 – SUPERSTAR
Vibes the photo gives: Cool, calm, watched Molly Shannon way too many times on Superstar. You’re hoping that he doesn’t want to smell his armpits. Wondering how he’s gonna keep this sweater clean, and if he got a manicure. He’s channeling Diane Lane or Keaton. I forget which one, but it’s not a good thing.
What drink will quench my thirst: No need to drink anything here. Just appreciate the jaw porn, and know that you don’t even have to take a cold shower for this one.
Hormonal Excitement Scale: Not excited past a 1.5/10. More concerned for a dry-cleaning bill.
PICTURE #2 – COME HITHER
Vibes the photo gives: Analyzing the straddlebility of that chair. Is it a rocker? Can It sustain? That look of come talk to me, I am thinking about you, has me thinking about him too. Leather looks good on him. It’s a bad boy vibe.
What drink will quench my thirst: Need some OJ here – get my sugar back up. Kind of unstable here.
Hormonal Excitement Scale: 4/10. A little unstable, but no need for a cold shower.
PICTURE #3: JOIN ME
Vibes the photo gives: He’s the innocent guy that your Dad thinks won’t deflower you. But he knows that you aren’t as innocent as your parents think you are. He’s trying to act surprised that you are unclasping your bra and talking dirty, words that he has never thought would come out of your good catholic girl mouth.
What drink will quench my thirst: Need a Titos and Red Bull for this one. Inhibitions have to go.
Hormonal Excitement Scale: 8/10. The inner skank is making her appearance, with no regrets.
PICTURE #4 – JAMES, JAMES BOND
Vibes the photo gives: He’s confused. He doesn’t know if you’ve figured him out or if he’s figured you out. He doesn’t know what move he’s supposed to make here. Is he an international spy or is he just dressed well? There definitely is a blizzard going on due to the sheer amount of layers he’s got going on.
What drink will quench my thirst: Whiskey bitch. On the rocks, I think. Isn’t that what spies drink?
Hormonal Excitement Scale: 6/10. Who wouldn’t want to be a modern day Pussy Galore?
PICTURE #5 – THOUGHTS, DEEP THOUGHTS
Vibes the photo gives: He’s deep. He’s thinking about the way that he wants to be with you and not the fact that he stole those pants from the wardrobe department of The Greatest Showman while visiting Hugh Jackman on set. He’s all in with you. He’s sorry for whatever he’s done, whatever he will do.
What drink will quench my thirst: Vitamin Water. Need those electrolytes.
Hormonal Excitement Scale: 9/10. Ready, willing, and going to go back for multiple rounds.
PICTURE #6 – DON’T BREAK MY HEART
Vibes the photo gives: He’s broken. He feels alone. He doesn’t know what he’s done to make you not love him the way that he wants you to love him. His heart is yours. He loves you. He wants to treat you like a queen.
What drink will quench my thirst: Water. You aren’t going to wear yourself out, you’re just going to cuddle.
Hormonal Excitement Scale: 2/10. Just sorry for anyway that you have ever hurt him.
PICTURE #7 – I’M COLD, WARM ME UP
Vibes the photo gives: You remember when Jacob came in the tent because Bella was cold and warmed her ass right up? You’re the Jacob in this situation, except you’re willing to go skin to skin contact. Jacob failed, compared to the body heat you’re willing to give.
What drink will quench my thirst: Hot Coffee. Gonna need to stay awake and warm here.
Hormonal Excitement Scale: 8/10. It’s the idea of all the body heat that’s got the need for a cold fucking shower going on.
PICTURE #8 – ALL SORTS OF COOL
Vibes the photo gives: Top Gun fantasies can come true. They make sense now. Cause Tom Cruise never made your ovaries explode, but there is finally a face in the fantasy for you. You’re willing to do it for your country, because no man should have to go on a mission fully loaded.
What drink will quench my thirst: Gatorade here. Gotta revive.
Hormonal Excitement Scale: 10/10. Someones getting lucky. Sure it may be your boyfriend, husband, or fuck buddy – even may be your vibrator – but someone is getting lucky.
PICTURE #9 – ALL SORTS OF DIRECTIONS
Vibes the photo gives: Looking at everything that you are dealing with. The front and the back. He’s letting you know what a man can be. He’s got his jacket open so you can see that the stomach is flat and the abs are there – waiting for you to wash away your tension.
What drink will quench my thirst: Going back in for Gatorade. Electrolytes are needed.
Hormonal Excitement Scale: 10/10. You’ve been bad.
PICTURE #10 – IMAGINE THE WAYS I CAN BEND
Vibes the photo gives: He’s a good man. He’s innocent. He’s directed. He knows what he wants. He wants you to know he’s willing to be there for you always. He’s going to dance his way into your heart. He’s got moves – vertically or horizontally.
What drink will quench my thirst: Tequila. It’s worth the slow burn.
Hormonal Excitement Scale: 7/10.
PICTURE #11 – YOU CAN’T DO BETTER
Vibes the photo gives: He’s sorry. He’s so very sorry, but he’s pissed at the rude shit that you are saying. Stop being so dramatic over everything or you’re gonna lose him. He’s closed off. He’s putting up with your shit, but he’s closed the fuck off.
What drink will quench my thirst: Nothing. The emotional pain is there.
Hormonal Excitement Scale: 0/10. You need to apologize for being a bitch.
PICTURE #12 – I AM YOUR FRIEND
Vibes the photo gives: Best friend. He’s the guy that’s there for you through everything. EVERYTHING. He has seen all your mistakes and your joy. He doesn’t judge you for it. He’s thankful that he knows the best parts of you. He’s listening to you spill your guts over some Mister Wrong, hoping that you see how right he is for you. You don’t know it yet, but he’s going to be your everything.
What drink will quench my thirst: Not even coming up for liquids here. Tie me down.
Hormonal Excitement Scale: 10/10. Living the forever dream here.
PICTURE #13 – I AM YOUR SEX DREAM
Vibes the photo gives: Burt Reynolds may have had to take off his clothes in Playgirl, but he doesn’t have to take anything off. He’s putting shit on and your body is convulsing at the sign of the sharp lines and the flawless jaw. He’s asking you to run your fingers through his hair. He’s wanting you to initiate everything. It’s like that movie with Josh Harnett where he doesn’t have sex for lent, but he gets that girl off with the flower tracing her skin. He’s not touching you, but your body is thankful. He’s mindfucking you and it’s not a bad thing.
What drink will quench my thirst: Gatorade or Vitamin Water again. Even when you go home, you’re busting out the rabbit.
Hormonal Excitement Scale: 19/10. Fuck it – this shit is perfection.
Read the article ( cause it’s really good) HERE.