‘The Bachelor’ Episode 2 Review: BOOM Goes the Champagne!

You’ll have to excuse my day-late review, as the National Championship Game had my full and undivided attention. But even the National Championship couldn’t keep my attention once I got word of Champagne Gate, which we’ll get into a little bit later here.

Simply put, The Bachelor is the show that keeps on giving. It’s ridiculous, it can be cheesy and it can make you feel surprisingly good about your personal decisions in life. But the one thing that we can all agree on is that The Bachelor has a hold over us. And there’s nothing we can do about it.

We’re just two episodes — five hours, people — into Peter Weber’s season of The Bachelor, and there are a few things I know for certain.

  1. Peter has done a great job so far, especially considering the circumstances.
  2. The circumstances being that most of the women on his season seem to be handfuls.
  3. Speaking of Peter’s women — God, that sounds weird — I already have a favorite, and she’s my pick to win Peter’s heart: Madison.
  4. But aside from maybe five or six women, I don’t know any of their names. Which I don’t know is a good thing or a bad thing.

Let’s review another hour of the show that keeps on giving:

Peter and Hannah Resolution?

Naturally, we pick up where we left off last week: Will Hannah accept Peter’s invitation to join his season? Will the two turn this group date into an intimate one-on-one? Will Peter and Hannah end up together in the end?

No. No. And no.

But, alas, there needed to be resolution. And apparently we’re supposed to satisfied with what we got. Which was a whole lot of nothin’.

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This show tried so much to convince us that there was resolution without giving us any whatsoever. Because even as the two hugged and said their goodbyes, they were making fucking heart eyes at each other and secretly wondering if they could recreate their windmill magic in that fake windmill on stage.

Simply put, Hannah chose wrong. She chose the musician that was in it only for him. Then she tried to settle for Tyler, which did not go well. He moved on. And when she saw Peter again — after losing two men that she loved — those feelings returned and she lost yet another one.

But there was something that Peter said that really stood out to me:

“Are you missing the what ifs or are you missing me?”

Peter Weber

He makes a good point. Considering how things crashed and burned with Jed and how Tyler refused to be a consolation prize, Hannah was left to wonder how things would’ve been had she simply chosen Peter. Which doesn’t do her a lot of good now. But it’s fair.

While you could tell Peter wanted nothing more than to wrap Hannah in his arms, kiss her and ride off into the sunset together, that ship has sailed. Peter is starting a new journey. He has a new group of women that — allegedly — are there for him, and only him. He’s not going to be a consolation prize.

Peter finally admits he can’t go down that road with Hannah. They hug it out. Nothing happens of it, although they’re clearly both hung up on each other.

I didn’t feel any resolution there.

Champagne Gate

Hannah Ann and I have something in common: We’ll never look at a bottle of champagne the same again.

Although for different reasons. Obviously.

While Hannah Ann is still wondering what the hell was in that champagne bottle that set Kelsey off, I’m still marveling at the hilarity that was Kelsey trying to chug from a champagne bottle.

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It’s a work of art. It really is.

Like, it’s too good to not be real.

That straight up happened.

As did the colossal meltdown that ensued before said moment.

This is a reality show. So we all know that a group of producers are responsible for setting up most of this drama. That includes Champagne Gate, which is clearly a social media sensation.

It basically looks like the producers learned of Kelsey’s champagne plan and suggested something similar to Hannah Ann. They told her they’d set up a bottle somewhere and probably directed her toward it. Only, unfortunately for Hannah Ann, it was Kelsey’s bottle, and she literally blew her lid — or cork, in this case.

It’s like Pretty Woman…without the bad part

Considering the first group date was a complete bust — love you, Hannah B., mean it — the girls that got chosen for this next group date should feel lucky enough that they made it through the entire date.

And this was the kind of date worth waiting for. Who can say fashion show? Also, free clothing. Like, a lot of free clothing.

What girl wouldn’t love to go home with $20,000 worth of clothes? I know they say they’re there for Peter, but we all know that’s not the truth.

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Victoria F. claims that she has a hard time being herself or opening up or showing her personality, or whatever. Honestly, I don’t believe a word of it. It looks like an act. Like she’s playing a role on a reality show and hoping something comes out of it at the end.

Call it a gut feeling. But Victoria F. certainly didn’t help her case on this date, where she said one thing but did the opposite. She played up the whole “I lack confidence” thing and then proceeded to strut with a confidence once doesn’t muster up instantly. That’s innate.

The girls were competing in a fashion show for a shit ton of free clothing, which is helpful considering they have to supply their own clothing on this show. Seriously.

It came down to Hannah Ann (the former pageant queen) and Victoria F. (the D-list actress), and it was ultimately Hannah Ann that won. Because, of course, she has experience doing this. It was a no-brainer.

And then there was Victoria F. crying in a corner acting like a sore loser because of it. Honey, if you can’t lose a fashion show, I don’t think you’re ready for what comes on this show if you make it far.

Hannah Ann v. Kelsey

Believe it or not, a bottle of champagne has been responsible for the entire ridiculous drama that we had to endure this week on the show. Look, I understand Kelsey was having a rough night — and I’m sure she wasn’t sober before wanting to pop open that bottle of bubbly — but how far is too far?

But most importantly: Is this the best drama we can come up with at this point? Two girls battling over a bottle of champagne?

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Kelsey’s problem with Hannah Ann seems more about Hannah Ann being a frontrunner than about a silly bottle of champagne. Everyone and their mother knows Hannah Ann is a favorite to win this show — sorry, Peter’s heart — already. Even the audience should know after that premiere and the First Impression Rose.

Honestly, Hannah Ann was more calm about Kelsey coming at her — in her face — the moment it was happening than in the days that followed. It was obvious she expected her to be sent home. But alas, the Bachelor producers had other plans in mind. Or Peter. Or God.

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While Hannah Ann was fair in her claim that Kelsey was calling her a bitch and a princess and getting in her face about something so damn petty on night one, it seemed to fade after that. Kelsey did seem to move on — and she even got her champagne moment with Peter.

But just when things got boring, err calm, Hannah Ann awoke the storm that is Kelsey by tattling on her to Peter. I get where she was coming from — she essentially was voicing her concerns from the first night days after it happened. But when the word “bullying” was used, that’s when things went from Defcon 5 to Defcon 1.

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And, shocker, it’s going to carry into next week. So stay tuned, folks. Champagne Gate continues next Monday night. Have your glasses ready.

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC.

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