‘The Bachelor’ Episode 3 Review: What A ‘Finasco!’

The Bachelor is literally the only thing that has me looking forward to Mondays, and it’s the life force sustaining me as we near the NFL’s offseason.

Three episodes in, and I’d say Peter Weber has been a solid Bachelor so far. He’s been thrown several obstacles, among them his ex-girlfriend telling him she should’ve chosen him, a blonde freaking out about a bottle of champagne from Des Moines and a full-out witch hunt on a girl he was totally digging.

Let’s break down this third episode of The Bachelor, where there are now two genuine people on this show I’ve identified, Peter conducts a full-on investigation of Alayah, and where some of these girls are making up fake words that annoys me to no end.

The Alayah Mess

I don’t know about you, but I’m disappointed in the fabricated drama so far this season. I mean, aside from Champagne Gate. Because that was as epic a meltdown as I’ve ever seen. (Giphy)

Move over, Champagne Gate. There’s a new drama in town! Nah, just kidding. Champagne Gate still rules all. But we did get some closure to the champagne scandal heard ’round the world, and we moved on pretty quickly to the next one.

As far as first impressions go, I thought Alayah was one of the good ones. I thought she was a sweetheart like Madison or Victoria P. Her grandmother wrote Peter a freaking letter, and I was goo.

But Alayah’s true colors came out in this episode, and I didn’t exactly hate it.

Now, Alayah isn’t someone I wanted Peter to pick. But she’s someone that I could’ve done with entertaining me on screen for at least another episode. Especially considering how she was channeling her inner Meredith Blake with some of those looks.

You know the drill, guys. Some girl goes up to Peter, tells him she doesn’t think this other girl is here “for the right reasons,” and then all hell breaks lose.

Usually, it’ll sort itself out on its own. But Peter decided to conduct his own investigation into things, and this was the first time that I can remember this amount of extensive work in putting all the facts together. Like damn, no wonder the girls were pissed they didn’t time with Peter. He was leading a fucking crime scene investigation.

Here’s the recap about Alayah: Jasmine thinks Alayah is fake and manipulative. Alayah, a former pageant queen, does feel rehearsed when speaking in this episode. And she seems to rub the other girls the wrong way. There are people that say she’s fake, that she turns it on for the camera, and that they don’t think she’s genuine. Yep, that’s it.

When, let’s be honest, every single girl (except my Madison, Victoria P. and Kelley) are living it up for the camera and the attention. She was just the scapegoat.

When all is said and done, Peter chooses to send Alayah home because of all the stuff he heard from multiple women that he talked about her with. In the end, he’s not sure if he made the right decision. And neither am I. I feel deprived of drama I was promised at least another week!

The One-On-One: AKA where Victoria P. made me cry

All I care about on this show are Peter, Chris Harrison, Madison, Victoria P. and Kelley. Oh, and the vast quantities of alcohol on hand. (Giphy)

Here’s the thing, we’re three episodes in, and I don’t know half the names of these girls. I have my favorites (Madison and Kelley) and I have the ones I don’t care for (Victoria F. and Kelsey). But most of them, I have no feelings for because they haven’t muttered a word on this show.

No, I’m serious. Some haven’t uttered a single word.

What I was thankful for this week was Peter’s one-on-one date with Victoria P., who has now become another one of my favorites. She seems like a genuine person, and her backstory tore me the hell up.

Peter and Victoria P. were super cute. He was digging her. She was digging him. I was digging both of them. It was a win-win for everyone!

While their date — line dancing at some country bar, which I didn’t know California was famous for, who knew — wasn’t the most normal, it felt the most normal. Does that make sense? Like, it was the first time where it didn’t feel like they ushered in a shit ton of people and told them to pretend to act natural. It felt random, although I’m certain it wasn’t.

But it was Peter and Victoria P’s dinner date where things took an emotional turn. Victoria opened up about being a caretaker all her life. That came from her troubled childhood, where her dad died when she was young and her mom became an addict. Victoria P’s family was in and out of shelters growing up, and they weren’t sure if they were going to eat some days. Victoria P had to be strong for herself, her mom and her sister.

Victoria P was in tears. Peter was nearly in tears. I was in tears. It was emotional as fuck. Not something I expected so early on in this season. (I definitely hit the wine for that one.)

Extreme Pillow Fight Club

Anyone else wondering why their pillow doesn’t explode into a pile of feathers when you throw it off your bed? Just me? Okay. (Giphy)

Everything is better when Demi is in charge, I will say that. Especially when she starts a date off by waking every girl up boot camp style with blaring airhorns and pillows in the face — feathers flying everywhere — by two girls named Champagne and Killer. Now, that is a wake-up call.

Oh, but it got better. Because, of course, everything is better when Demi is orchestrating it. Demi was tasked by Peter to organize a group date, and boy was it a fun one.

Demi invented the greatest anger management activity: Demi’s Extreme Pillow Fight Club. And it’s exactly how it sounded. The girls got into a ring armed with pillows and smacked the shit out of each other. And screw it being fun, this was personal to some of them. Among them, Sydney, who hates Alayah. And wouldn’t you know it, the two face each other in the finals, and it soon turns from a pillow fight into a WWE match.

Here’s the recap: Alayah wins, Sydney’s pissed, and the pillows lost. All of those wasted feathers.

Just give me more Madison, Victoria P. and Kelley (but especially Madison)

Peter is smitten with Madison, and so am I. (Giphy)

During the drama that was the Alayah investigation, Peter needed a damn break from the pettiness. (God, didn’t we all?) And who did he go to? You guessed it, Madison. My girl. My girl that shoots three-pointers not drama. My girl that was able to make Peter forget about that entire mess if only for a few minutes. I stan a queen. Sure, Madison was only in the episode for, what, two minutes? And it was the best two minutes of the two-hour show.

While Madison remains my No. 1, I finally have some other girls that not only can I actually stand, but I actually like. Victoria P. made me cry tonight as she recounted her troubled childhood and made it clear that she wants to find her happy ending, and she hopes it’s with Peter. And then there’s Kelley, who seems to the most well-off of any contestant. She’s smart, funny, and has a real job. She’s a keeper. (Although I give her a couple weeks. Sorry, Peter.)

Don’t get me wrong, I love me some drama. I love sitting on my couch, blanket pulled up to my mouth, staring in shock as the ridiculousness ensues. But I’ll be damned if I don’t want some more romance a little earlier on. You know, with the girls Peter is actually into. *cough* Madison, Victoria P. and Kelley *cough*

Grammar Gone Bad

Me: The Grammar Police. (Giphy)

So, I like to believe that I learn something new every day. And today was no different. I learned today that there are actually people that can’t pronounce lingerie or fiasco. Okay, so the latter, I could get if you can’t say it. But the former? C’mon.

As a journalism major and professional grammar police officer, it killed me. As a bystander, it made me laugh. As an American, it made me cringe. This is what we’re putting out there, ABC?

So let’s take a look at Grammar Gone Bad this week on The Bachelor:

The Word: Lingerie

The Bachelor Pronunciation: Linger-y

The Actual Pronunciation: lahn-zhu-ray

The Word: Fiasco

The Bachelor Pronunciation: Fin-asco

The Actual Pronunciation: fee-asco

This has been Grammar Gone Bad this week on The Bachelor.

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC.

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