Well fuck, the time has come for The Courtship to premiere tonight and I almost forgot to pass judgement on those that have failed as Instagram influencers and are trying to up their game by going on a TV show.
But boys lets be real – none of our vaginas have dried up so much that this is a turn on. It’s not a turn on. It’s a who the fuck hurt you that you think that dressing like this and going on this show is a good idea?
Now don’t get me wrong, I am all for a hot mess of a television show. The trashier it is, the better it is.
But these dudes, well, lets just admit that they aren’t looking for love. They claim they are, but I also claim that I am sober writing this and we all know that is a lie.
This is like they took all the rejects from The Bachelorette (ya, they weren’t even qualified to be The Bachelor), dressed them in some ugly ass clothing, and make them into wanna be gentleman instead of the Captain Save-a-Hoe that they want to be.
But it’s okay. We know that everyone has shortcomings and well, though they’d probably tell us that these mofo’s are truly gentleman, bitch please.
Capt. Danny Kim
First Impression: He was inspired by the movie, Hitch, and if that wasn’t enough you can tell by his instagram the person he loves the most in the world is himself, and the thing he loves most in the world is his abs.
Now that being said, his abs are pretty gorgeous. I’d lick them like a lollipop.
His official bio says that he’s a dating master, but if he’s a dating master, what is he doing on this show? Me thinks dating master means he knows how to swipe on an app and that’s about it
Great, he helps other men. That’s fantastic. He’s a giver. But none of that matters unless he’s a giver where it counts – in the bedroom.
This photo is doing him no favors. Photos shouldn’t make you look less desirable, but apparently no one on this staff got that memo.
Daniel’s Instagram makes him look a little douchy, but it’s the kind of douchy that makes our hips say yes please.
Mr. Alex “Achilles” King
First Impression: It’s like a prerequisite that these pictures of them in period clothing make them look as horrible as one can. But then again, you have enough going against you when you decide that you want to be called Achilles. We all know that in mythology, Achilles abandons being social hero and becomes disrespectful, a man without feelings.
Yet, that sounds about right for a dude that wants to be on this show.
He’s got a respectable Instagram following, though we’re tempted to run that through a bot program, we’re gonna let him have a win. Cause he feels like he needs it.
Apparently he likes things from “gondola boat rides, to deep and meaningful intellectual conversations,” which to us (meaning me) he has googled what rom-coms are or watched a few Hallmark Channel movies, to try and women what they want to hear.
He grew up reading Shakespeare, but dude, we all did. It”s called school.
This dude is a fuckboy. And hey that’s okay, everyone is something.
Mr. Chandler “Chan” Luxe
First Impression: I’m just not even sure where to start with this one, but well, there is just so much going on here.
His bio says that he’s a triple threat, having “style, charisma and talent” but that my friends is not a triple threat. That’s called being a human being. We all have our own style, our own charisma, and our own talents.
Chan is not here to be an influencer, he’s here for music. We can probably count on him singing A LOT, which hey, every period piece has a musical episode.
And the musical episode are usually really fucking bad.
Sorry Chan, we hope you go home sooner than later, because we really, really don’t want a musical.
Mr. Charlie Mumbray
First Impression: Charlie is English, so hey, that gives him a leg up automatically. I am a sucker for an accent and like every other person on the show, he’s obsessed with his abs, and they are pretty.
But one has to wonder, is there anything beyond the abs. All these men are “models” or “personal trainers”, but like seriously, are we supposed to give a fuck? No.
This show is peddling that looks mean more than they do. And am I saying the pretty people can’t have substance? No, I am not. They can.
Charlie comes across as the ultimate frat boy, and we’re just saying that’s not an attractive thing. They shoulda let him keep his curls cause that would have been a lot better than what we’re getting above.
Trust I know that I am commenting on looks, but these men aren’t give us much else to go off of. They show no substance and their Instagrams all scream – look at me, I like to do sit ups.
Charlies also screams he likes hoodies and that I can get behind.
Mr. Peter Saffa
First Impression: Peter says, “You can never go wrong with a candlelit dinner and some red wine.”
Please bitch, you can. There’s a lot that can go wrong with that.
Red flag is that his biggest he’s either searching for love, playing Fortnight, or working out. He’s another dude bro looking for someone to admire his abs. Cause like that is all that he seems to put on his Instagram.
We’re getting it – you work out. You like to look at your abs. You have a jawline. We’re applauding your energy.
But I still think that like one of these dudes would/should have some substance. Like can I see something besides your abs.
Peter wants to mix fitness with his passion for entrepreneurship and is starting his own fitness clothing line. So hey, he’s here to launch a clothing line.
Love my ass.
Dr. Jarrett Schanzer
First Impression: He’s got like 145K followers on Instagram, so hey cool, he knows how to make people follow. But that’s because he gives good Botox, and that my friends is better than good sex.
He capitalizes off of women’s insecurities, and while we respect the hustle, he’s also the epitome of the man that wants a Stepford wife who he can show off to his colleagues.
His bios says, “He is passionate about mental health, life coaching, fitness and nutrition, as well as enjoys rollerblading in the Miami sun, or snowboarding on fresh powder. He is also ambidextrous, conversant in Spanish, and loves all things comedy. Jarrett loves entertaining others; with his playful personality and positive energy, he is sure to captivate your attention.”
We’ve seen his Instagram and he’s not captivating our attention. What he’s doing is making us wish he was showing abs, cause we’re tired of seeing all the Botoxed foreheads and lips on his timeline.
Mr. Nate Shanklin
First Impression: Nate is gonna stick around because he may be the only person that seems like he’s here for love. We’re saying that because his social media is boring as fuck. Though at some points it does have some substance, so we’re like hey – he could want to be more.
Then again he could be here to jumpstart his music career. Either way, he’s doing nothing for us.
We’re thankful that we don’t know what his abs look like cause hey, we’ve seen a lot of those.
Are we a little turned off that he works for the government. Sure, because we don’t know what he side he’s on – right or left. But we’re more turned off by the fact that he posts about BMI and makes you feel like shit, like all these men do.
We get it – you like fitness. We’d be more interested to know something of more substance. Like how do you like your eggs. Even that would do.
Mr. Caleb Ward
First Impression: Not going to lie Calebs bitchy resting face scares us a lot. Like boy looks pissed the fuck off. It’s not a look that seems inviting.
And hey, I can respect the bitchy resting face because mine is strong.
But that’s not the biggest red flag at all. He comes across as high maintenance as fuck. He has considered searching for love abroad since dating domestically hasn’t landed him “the one.”
Caleb, thats on you, not on the girls you meet. But go abroad dude, you do you.
I can’t figure out what it is about Caleb that makes me think that he’s just too picky and doesn’t realize that the problem could be him.
Not sure if dude understands that if he wants a “kind-hearted, family-focused, independent and open-minded” woman he needs to be that way too. Cause the truth is dude looks as though he’s not any of those.
Lets face it – this show is a bunch of men who are obsessed with their abs, Instagram followers, and their looks. Like it is what it is.
None of them are ready for love.
All of them are self absorbed.
But hey, we’re here for it.
The Courtship premieres tonight on NBC.