ABC has just announced The Golden Bachelor, and honestly …the jokes just make themselves. And, like, not even the normal jokes. We have nothing to say about this man’s age or his looks — much less his quest for love. Everyone deserves a chance at love, at 20 or at 71, and if you want to find that messily and on TV, so be it. We ain’t going to judge you more than we judge everyone else.
What we are going to say is — the tan and the golden background were not a good choice, especially not together. Like, you’re literally the same color as the background! We get you’re the golden bachelor, but like …this is too much. Way too much.
What are these choices, Gerry? Who is making them for you? How can we help you make better ones? We haven’t even gotten to the women! Or even the wardrobe! God save us when we get to the actual decisions about who you’re going to spend your life with.
And while we’re at it, we hope you get actual women near your age. If I see someone in the 20-30 range, I will riot, okay ABC producers? The man is 71, okay? Seventy-one years old. Let’s remember that. Golden or not, he’s seventy-one.
We’re all going to be watching this trainwreck this Fall, right? Right? We cannot miss this golden opportunity.