We’re always in awe of Abigail Spencer. Why? Because she’s honest and she says what is on her mind. Sometimes the things on her mind aren’t easy to share, but it feels like she knows that her honesty can help others.
Often times we think that a celebrities life is perfect. They have a great job, they make a lot of money. They run with other celebrities. But they are human and life is definitely not perfect.
She started her post on Instagram, “I don’t come here often to share personal stories about what’s really going on in my life. I use this space as more of a visual medium. A travel, style, work, celebratory, light-shiner, floral, art, friendships docuseries if you will.”
She continued –
And it’s my birthday. 🎉. I’m feeling compelled to share a little more with you upon reflection of the past year as I set intentions & vision the next. Last year for my 40th, I mentioned I took myself to Onsite, an emotional wellness retreat, for a week of intensive trauma therapy to look at myself more deeply. Get more healing & more tools to dance with the fullness of life. They say it’s the equivalent to 100 hours of therapy in a week. That week was radical & life changing. I stepped into my 40th year feeling better than ever. Like I had plugged my tail bone into the sun. Ready to take on life come what may. And boy did it.
August 4th 2021, I moved into the hardest year of my life. It almost killed me, and if I hadn’t been in training for my mind, body & spirit for & surrounded myself with the most incredible community of friends & healers, I do not believe I would have survived it. I’m not going to get into the details of the events that brought about what I’m about to share, but I’ll tell you some of the emotional headlines of its effects.
Stress almost took me out. I literally felt like my insides were being eaten by stress. I couldn’t get up off the floor some days. Fear & loss had gripped me. Anxiety would arrest me. In the fight of my life. I cried so hard on multiple occasions that it led me to vomiting. I spent hours some days trembling while holding myself through the incessant distress. I didn’t leave the house for days. I couldn’t catch a breathe. Everything felt so hard. At one point I thought I was having a heart attack. I talked to a cardiologist & he said I wasn’t having a heart attack, that my heart was broken & I needed to be held. If I exerted too much energy I knew my bones would break. 7 – 9 months ago I couldn’t imagine anything beyond the hard, cold bathroom floor of my mind. I was a shell of a person. And the most terrifying part was I felt alone. Cut off from the divine, floating through space & time. It was the most worried about myself I’d ever been since my father died. I was not doing well. A volcano ready to erupt. I did not feel easy to love. I remember thinking WTF is living your best life & how does anyone do that!?
And also, I didn’t stay there. Over time & throwing myself into my healing community, the energy moved. Some warrior humans showed up & took my calls & gently sat with me as I was in The Void. I got out of isolation & I went places to heal. I self cared like I never had before. I circled with women. To be witnessed in your greatest despair is a very vulnerable & beautiful thing. I did shadow work. I scheduled my grief & physical care like it was my effing job. Because it was. And then… more light came in. And every day something or someone would come along to be a warm glow. I started to get my sense of humor back. I remembered that laughing was an option. Amused not abused. I got my dream job. Met the most wonderful new work-friends. Got to shoot on the Mary Tyler Moore stage in front of a live audience. County Line got some new life. I got to bring our “Betty” the flower truck for the first time to my own set which was a full circle moment. I got to make people laugh then shower them with flowers. My two favorite things. I remembered that I love acting. I started integrating in a way I never had before. And bit by bit I started to feel more at home in myself. And then I just went on a trip of my dreams w the best gals ever. Reconnected with old friends & met new friends for life. Culminating in fulfilling a vision to bring my son to to Europe for his first time.
I share all this because the “pretty & dreamy” “living your best life pictures” you see here don’t tell the full story. They were earned. And if you saw the gal from August 2021 to March 2022 you could never have imagined me here. I didn’t. And I’m so proud of myself. For not giving up. For taking risks. For choosing more life & more joy. For showing up. For continuing to create & believe in myself. For the army of souls that rushed in… when I didn’t. And to my son. My sweet, sweet son. My heart song. Our “Roman Holiday” was the cherry on top. The suffering for me is declining the invitation to the good & hard fullness of life. And now I’m ready to dance.
My wish for this new birth year is to bring laughter, joy, fun, silly, flowers, dance, abundance, love, ease, magic, presence, seen-ness, being-ness, puns and peace into the world. Leave every one & every thing a little better than found. Thanks for letting me share. If you are in utter despair. Keep going, you are not alone. It won’t be this way forever. I promise you. You are in the middle of your story. Stay open to magic. Move the energy. Travel. Things will shift. If you are in utter delight, keep delighting. It’s not going away. The other shoe will not drop. Ride the wave. Keep expanding. Make space. Everything is energy. Allow. Dream. Flow. And join the dance.
Thank you to those who walked & witnessed this past year with me. Your presence is my present. I am deeply grateful. One lucky gal I am. A Happy Birthday to me, indeed.
You’re easy to love,
xx
Abigail
We love you Abigail and appreciate your honesty and heart. You’ve definitely helped this writer with your honesty and I know you’ve touched others.
