In my long quest of figuring out ways to not use my time wisely and to be a financial failure, I have found another step to achieving that goal. You see, as a person that loves television and movies, the TikTok and Instagram algorithm said, ‘get her, she’s dumb’ and served me ten minute ad after ten minute ad of verticals. They served me so many different washboard abs that made me feel like a creep as I said time after time, those are abs that deserve to be licked.
Yes, I said licked.
I caved and started downloading vertical apps.
I am really not proud of the fact that my phone has found another way for me to be addicted to it.
A “vertical movie” is a movie filmed in a vertical aspect ratio, intended for viewing on mobile phones. They are small bite size, digestable pieces that make you want to keep pressing on to the next bite. We’re not talking Quibi (IYKYK). These aren’t overly produced stories with celebrities that cost a fortune. These stories are romance.
Romance that caters to women. They embrace tropes, every bad cliche, and they sometimes are really embarrassing. No joke, this writer gets second hand embarrassment and yet, I can’t turn it off.
They aren’t your Grandmas soap operas. General Hospital, Days of our Lives, and whatever else have nothing on the drama. In verticals it seems that everyone has been switched at birth, is a billionaire, has a fake identity, and apparently being poor is a scent. Seriously, everyone seems to say they can smell the poor on people. It’s a thing.
In verticals arranged marriages are a thing to cement empires, everyone is the heir to a company, and the head of whatever mafia faction is always a nice misunderstood man who just wants a wife and family. Did I mention that everyone is a billionaire?
Werewolves and vampires are searching for mates and establishing bonds. The really bad VFX of those bonds has me dying, but also the makeup budget on some has me dying too. I just watched one where the villian in the story wore so much red lipstick and no one else seemed to wear makeup – so I swear that the whole budget went to her Wet and Wild lipstick.
And yet, here I am knowing that they are absolutely ridiculous, give no f***s about continuity, and seem to hire a lot of wanna be actors who pay their way into the industry by contributing to the budget. And while I would normally be the first person to call that out, here I am clapping at those actors and proud of them to get theirs.
Verticals have low budgets, but high views. Some of these have been watched upwards of fifty million times. When you consider that to belong to these apps to watch them you’re paying $19.99 a week – you have to consider that there is a lot of money being made in these. According to Rolling Stone, there are an estimated 30 to 40 vertical shorts productions a month in the Los Angeles area.
There is no shortage of them – but the biggest issue that I have seen is that they have a lack of diversity. These stories are addictive, but they fail in providing diversity, have way too many people being slapped, and use sexual assault way too often as a story telling tool. For a billion dollar industry they tend to move on the fact that they know that they are going to make money, and they don’t move forward with the times to become more inclusive.
And they do make you pay for everything.
Reel Shorts, one of the leading apps on the market, just introduced interactive verticals, which sounds good in theory, but after the first few choices you have to pay to make the choice that you know is going to bring more drama. In an attempt to figure out how that would add up, I ended up paying $47 on top of the $19.99 weekly subscription to watch the movie.
Will never do that again.
And yet, when you need an escape, Verticals are there. They seem to take on The CW model – recycling actors through different movies. That’s not a complaint, because we know what we are getting with them. You’ll love actors like Mark Vega, Eric Guilmette, and Tyler Scherer. You’ll root for actors like Noah Fearnley, Kirby Elwood, and Grace Woods Swanson.
The issue? You’ll find yourself trapped – even when they are terrible. Trapped in this cycle of its too expensive and I need to cancel, and the algorithm ready to serve you a new 10 minute ad to get you right back to watching.
So you ask yourself? Where should you start? Well, I am here with some suggestions.
Carrying His Triplets Becoming His Wifey
She decided to be an escort for one night just to pay her tuition. But after that passionate night, she found out that she was pregnant. Belittled and disowned by her family, her baby daddy, who turned out to be a billionaire, came to the rescue. Once humiliated, she was now bound to marry him.
I Love You More Than Life
After the miscarriage of her child on her anniversary, Grace decides to divorce her neglectful, cruel husband, and then commit suicide. He thinks she’s still alive and hiding from him. Will he find out the truth and regret all he’s done?
Forced To Love A Ruthless CEO
Nina sells her virginity to Ian for her mom’s surgery. Later, her mom needs a kidney transplant. Nina’s suitor Evan takes her to his uncle – who turns out to be Ian. He alone has the artificial kidney she needs.
The CEO’s Contract Wife
Billionaire Jasper Tate needs a wife and heir to fulfill his late father’s dream. Khloe Adams needs money to save her dying sister. Love wasn’t supposed to be part of the contract.
Mr. Governor, Let Go of Our Baby
A gubernatorial frontrunner reunites with his former love, unaware she’s raising their child. As past deceptions surface, old feelings reignite, proving their connection never truly faded.
30 Days Til I Marry My Husband’s Nemesis
Blair was killed by her husband, and his mistress, her cousin for her money. She wished to do it over again, then she is sent to 5 years in the past so she can get her revenge, by being with his rival. They work together and fall in love.
His Nerd
A robotics whiz and soccer star fake-date to solve personal problems but face bullies, family issues, and criminal connections. Their pretend romance becomes real as they deal with feelings and colliding worlds.
In Love with My Brother’s Best Friend
Kaitlyn moves in with her brother after catching her boyfriend cheating. Living with her brother’s best friend Cole rekindles old feelings, but their relationship faces obstacles from exes, rivals, and her brother.
Mafia King’s Missing Wife Back with Twins
Mafia King Luca’s twin babies were separated by a fire. Six years later, the poor nanny Sarah is raising his daughter. And the truth stays buried — until their children call out to each other.
Boardroom Attraction
After firing many assistants, ruthless CEO Laken Whitlock is forced to keep the fearless Alex. From clashes with his ex-wife to controlling his empire, he never expected the biggest challenge to be the one woman who refuses to fall in line.
Seducing Mr. Sterling: The Ice-Cold Heir
Blackmailed into seducing CEO Ethan Sterling to save her sister, Emma Clarke finds herself caught between obligation and passion as their dangerous game becomes unexpectedly real.
The titles are horrible – I know. I am guessing that since most everything about a vertical is clickbait, they wanted to give something straight forward so we know what they are giving us.
And hey, that’s okay.
