Note: I have chosen not to edit this article and to let whatever my heart and the tears I felt say. Sorry for any repetition or confusion. I am still crying.
There is something that has been heartbreaking about watching Love Story: John F. Kennedy Jr & Carolyn Bessette, and maybe that is knowing how it ends. But maybe, also, it’s the idea that people can be so in love and love just doesn’t seem like enough. It’s not them to blame, it’s the media and them living their lives under a microscope.
I think that we’ve all long known that fame can destroy people, but it’s never stopped any of us from watching stories unfold, people in the public eye, and taking reported instances as the Bible. It’s not to say that famous people aren’t hunted down by the paps these days – they are. But in the 1990’s it was at a different level.
There was nothing about this episode of Love Story that didn’t feel like it was a knife to the heart. This entire series has been a journey, and though I do get the reasons that some thought this should never be made. But I also am thankful that it was. You may ask why? I think that even a dramatized version of these two is an eye-opening thing. I have read all of the books that I can over the years about the Kennedys. I know that we don’t truly know what happened between them, don’t get me wrong.
COUNSELING
At the end of episode eight, we saw John leave. He wanted to make sure that they didn’t say something they couldn’t take back. Them being in counseling was a fight for their marriage. It wasn’t something that was going to be easy, but the best things in life never are.
The counselor suggested a no-contact trial separation, and neither one wanted that. They couldn’t go without each other and didn’t want to.
I know that nothing is ever easy in life, and communication definitely is a struggle. The two end up going home that night, together, and have sex. They have a connection, one that the general public may never have understood, but it was there. It’s not just sex – it’s this want to be better people.
This drive that the two brought out of each other. It was bumpy, it was dramatic, and it was hard. John didn’t seem to want to talk things through, but I also think that it’s portrayed that way because of the drama. Sure, he put work first, but I think that was this need to prove himself as a Kennedy.
And then there is Carolyn, who has long lived her life with no one knowing her and scrutinizing her every move, and hasn’t been used to the spotlight. I don’t think that anyone could have expected the level of scrutiny that she got. Nothing was enough for the press.
And it should have been more than enough.
I WANNA TRY
There was a gala for George that Carolyn didn’t want to go to. She wasn’t good at pretending that everything was okay. John had done it for his entire life, but Carolyn hadn’t. She’d been a normal person – living by her own choices. Now, no matter the choices that she made, they were scrutinized.
Her sister was the one who made her see that she was not trying as hard as she felt she was. Her sister told her that she needed to show up. The crazy thing about sisters is that they say a lot of things that no one else will. They are brutally honest.
Carolyn showed up for John that night at the gala. She told him that she wanted to try, and that made me start to cry.
And then when they return to the first place that they went on a date at, I thought about how beautifully Sarah Pidgeon and Paul Anthony Kelly have portrayed these characters. They’ve given it their all, allowing us to see their vulnerability as actors. Yet, they’ve also been vulnerable as themselves on press tours.
Carolyn tells John that she wants to go to Rory’s wedding. She tells her sister that she’s worried that it is too soon for them to be going together.
I can understand fear – the fear of losing yourself in a relationship, the fear of the relationship not being enough; of love not being enough. She has every right to be nervous.
THE FLIGHT
The reason that it took so long for me to watch this is that I couldn’t get past watching the flight. I would have been fine if we had never had to see the flight, the search, the funeral. There was something about it that just broke me. Watching the flight, I felt physically nauseated. I panicked.
“Everything okay?” she asked him. Her not wanting to leave his side, and wanting to sit with him – that horrible sound of the alarm and the red light, but the look on his face knowing something was wrong…
I couldn’t.
I lost it.
Death is not something that I am necessarily afraid of, but in the same breath it’s something that I worry about for the people around me. When people die, I feel this overwhelming sense of pain. I can remember when they went missing and how I was glued to the news. I cried my eyes out when they were found.
When they told Caroline that the plane was reported missing, I had to press pause. I lost myself in tears. I had to press pause.
MISSING
Lost. They were lost. The Kennedy family has had a lot of losses, and that was a lot. Finding that they had found the plane and that John and Carolyn were gone, I lost it again. When Caroline asked Ed not to say a word, and she broke, I wanted to wrap her in my arms. That woman has been through too much.
What the world has asked her to accept is too much for anyone to bear. Caroline Kennedy lost so much, and her screaming over and over that she can’t do it again, I literally threw up from crying so hard.
Everyone has long wanted to understand John and Caroline. They’ve been American royalty and will forever be that way. John, Carolyn, and Laurens death was a tragic accident.
When Carolyn’s Mom came in to broker where they would bury Carolyn, I lost it again. She lost so much. Her in the apartment, seeing Caroline – the anger that radiated – I do get it. I think that grief is the strangest thing because once you’ve felt it, you will never be able to escape it. You will feel it forever.
It will consume you until you start to grow around it. But this grief that the two are feeling is so brand new and raw that it makes a person angry.
And that anger can destroy you and cause you to destroy others.
WHAT TO SAY
Writing this – I am writing through my tears. The screen looks fuzzy because I can’t stop crying. I am torn because I don’t like how the funeral was dramatized. I don’t like it because I believe that funerals are the most intimate of gatherings – ones that should be respected and kept personal.
When these two sat in John and Carolyn’s apartment, I felt like Carolyn’s Mom had every reason to be angry. Carolyn and Laurens ‘ mom, well, she had every reason to protect their legacy. The Kennedys also have the right to protect Johns.
There is no right answer when people die.
Death is something that we all have to face, but it doesn’t make any sense. People are in this life to make an impact, and I truly believe that if you make an impact on one person’s life, then you have lived a life well meant. Time is fleeting, nothing lasts forever, but if you can make an impression on someone’s heart, you will last forever.
Everyone lost when that plane crashed. There was no sense to be made of it. But what can be made sense of are the happy memories. In death, there are no words that can be said that are enough. It doesn’t matter what happens; apologies for death will never be enough.
There are no words when people die.
But when people do die, one can hope that those experiencing grief can be given patience, understanding, and love. The Bessettes and the Kennedys deserved that, and it’s a tragedy that they weren’t given that.
THE MEMORIES
As I said, this funeral never should have been dramatized. Do I get why they added it? Sure. But it was a lot. And if we’re being honest, I don’t think it’s fair to the Kennedy and Bessette family.
The Kennedy family has been plagued by loss. Ethel was smart when she talked to Caroline and told her that they were alike. She told Caroline that she understood, and that they were Kennedy women, and that can’t be for nothing.
The thing about the Kennedy family is that they will long be forces of nature. They will be the royalty that America doesn’t have. It doesn’t matter how many generations pass, all of their scandals, relationships, and the way that everyone will make judgments on their life – they will remain American royalty.
People who defined a part of what this world was.
Returning to the ocean to pour out Carolyn, Lauren, and John’s ashes – it was the hardest thing I have ever had to see. The beach, them showing what once was – John and Carolyn together there as Carolyn’s Mom read at their funeral…
It was a lot.
This entire series was beautiful and heartbreaking, while difficult to watch. For me, I will always remember John and Carolyn from the picture of their wedding that I saw in People when they released it.
And I will always pray that John, Carolyn, and Lauren are resting in peace.
