I am not yet drunk – but right from the beginning – I want to say this Bridgette… no matter how single you are, no matter the time of year YOU DON’T GO TO YOUR MOTHERS TURKEY CURRY BUFFET and YOU NEVER LET YOUR MOTHER DRESS YOU.
I’m gonna have to take shots of Tequila to get through seeing Uncle Geffrey – creep of the season.
Luckily for every crazy mother, there is a perfectly sane father.
Ok – lets talk about it. Mark Darcy…
Maybe it’s just me but there is nothing that Colin Firth isn’t sexy. But Bridgette – quiet. We get it – he’s hot, but don’t try to be something that you are not. Cause that’s never gonna get you anywhere. But you are allowed to be mean after he calls you a spinster.
I relate to you Bridget. Just instead of Frasier reruns, I am pantless in my room watching you on the computer as I swig down wine and burp from the Coke that I shouldn’t have drank earlier, but I did. However, I am now a glass in and singing All By Myself at the top of my lungs with you. Forgive me neighbors that like to do it like jackrabbits above me.
I have a legit question. At what age are you supposed to buy the fancy pajamas? Cause I may be running behind.
I haven’t started a diary, but I have started a bullet journal. Does that count?
Is it just me again that doesn’t find Hugh Grant all that attractive?
Ok lets talk. Under no circumstances do you karaoke in front of co-workers. There are lines. You can go to the bar and make a fool out of yourself. Sing or screech until your hearts content. But this singing… nope.
Best Friend call. Well that’s sweet. I have a few best friends. I give them daily pep talks and they give me the move back to LA talk. I mean here’s the thing though, I love them – so I will listen to their bullshit, like they will listen to mine.
Hahaha, a one hit wonder. I have a one hit record guy friend – but that’s cause he’s 35 and only ever hit it once. She was ugly – a complete and utter bitch.
Why is there no one at my office that I want to ask me if my skirt is off sick? I’d be like ummm… yes. And I work from home, so the pants are too. I am all for whatever anyone wants to wear – but sheer – I can’t. I just can’t.
What’s it that they say – don’t shit where you eat? I mean obviously they’ve never lived in a NYC shoebox. NEVER SLEEP WITH ANYONE YOU WORK WITH. And if you do, you need to make sure that you keep that so far under wraps that people think that your vag is sewn closed. Also, – never listen to your friends, especially dumb ones with bad advice.
Ok, time for a new drink.
Can we talk about the art of the granny pantie? Look, I don’t care what you say – they are comfortable. Wearing a thong is like having toilet paper between your butt cheeks constantly rubbing against you to make sure that you wiped. Nope. I’ll take some great shape wear that tucks in all the right places. Squish me like sausage casing. I guess it’s a point for the boss that he likes the sausage casing panties. I would also like to state she ain’t that heavy if Hugh Grant can pick her ass up. Also guys – if some guy ever says to you HELLO MOMMY when he’s about to bump uglies with you – RUN ALL THE WAY HOME! DO NOT REMOVE GIANT PANTIES!
Yup as you can tell I am on my third glass.
Can’t stop laughing. Oh, I am all for Mum’s getting a job, cause like occupy yourself. BUT never, ever do I want to hear about my parents issues or problems. Like the moment they say no sex life — I AM OUT.
I just can’t.
Moral of this – APPRECIATE THE PEOPLE THAT YOU HAVE! How hard is it? I barely know where my wine bottle went.
Ok here’s my rule on vacations with the f*** boy. A vacation with the f*** boy ONLY a vacation when it is out of town. You need a place to run. Let’s all be honest with each other – if they are your f*** boy – they are a lot of people’s f*** boys. You should know better. Also – known fact you will run into the person you don’t want to see when you look haggard. Known fact.
But I see you looking at her Mr. Darcy – you want in her sausage casing too.
Never ask a f*** boy if he loves you. HE DOESN’T LOVE YOU. He loves your vajayjay on M, W,F only. That’s why he’s a bold face liar. Also if f*** boy leaves you on vacation – he’s got his T, Th, Sat piece at home.
Oh wait – he’s getting married. Of course he’s getting married. Of course he’s been cheating with you. Let’s all wish that his pecker falls off.
If you can find it.
Oh I hate her boss.
But here’s the thing – when a man breaks your heart – you don’t let him see you are hurting. YOU YELL! You don’t let him gaslight you. You don’t let him hurt you. I mean ya, you can hurt – but you hide that deep. You don’t let it affect you!
You don’t let him knock you down.
That’s right! Rebound Bridget! Don’t let it get you down. Move on with your life to bigger and better things!
I am cheering on Bridget right now. Cause like call his dumb ass out. Make him suffer. Embarrass him!
R-E-S-P-E-C-T!!!
I couldn’t slide down a pole either Bridget! My hat goes off to the people that can.
I am not sure why it is that Bridget doesn’t realize that Mark is for her. I would have slid down that pole.
I can’t stop laughing.
If Mark sat there and said he liked me very much, my panties would have fallen there. I woulda been like hell yes you do! And then I woulda been like dump that girl first.
But then when he goes ahead and gives you an exclusive interview. It’s like he’s basically throwing himself on your bed naked Bridget.
Guys – I can’t cook. Like I like to think I can cook but I can’t. However I can order Postmates like a champ. Only don’t fall for their $9.99 delivery propaganda- cause it’s a lie.
Let’s really talk about it guys – Mr. Darcy. She’s got him in her apartment. She took a shower. When can we have them together? I like together. I like the way he looks at her. I want a man to look at me that way. That look like you are the most beautiful thing in the world.
But as my friend if you showed up and he was there – I would expect you to turn tail and run.
Also – never tell me that my blue soup is good.
Respect me enough to tell me it’s bad.
WE HATE DANIEL CLEAVER! Go away. Why are you there? Go back to your fiance. And Tom, don’t be a jerk – as a friend – send him right back out the door. Why is it we always fall for the bad guy and when the bad guy shows up – we have a moment of weakness.
I love that the good guy always comes back.
I have never been as turned on as seeing Mark hit Daniel. Like that’s one hot shit. Beat the hell out of that wanker. Show him how unimportant he is. Seriously don’t get how Bridget isn’t like “MARK FOR THE WIN ALWAYS”.
Seriously why does a cake always show up when someone is in a fight?
HELL YES MARK DARCY! Oh Bridget, you have got to be kidding me? DON’T FALL ON THE BAD MANS GENITALS! DON’T LET THE GOOD MAN WALK AWAY.
Punch that jerk, Bridget. Punch him!
“If I can’t make it with you, I can’t make it with anyone?”
That’s right Bridget! It’s not a good enough offer.
Here’s the thing guys – Bridget Jones is every single woman’s spirit animal. She’s reminding you not to give up. To not spend your life full of regrets. She’s reminding you no matter what the hell happens you can be anything, do anything, and so many things can happen. You never know the entire story – you don’t know why things happen. Unless you were there.
Yes, I am all about that. I am all about never giving up.
Except on the bad penis of course. After all, there is a Mister Darcy out there for all of us! We all will find the man that we will run after in the snow in our underwear – cheap leopard print, obvi!
I don’t know about you, but I ain’t settling for nothing but my Mr. Darcy.
