Devi has been in so much pain, it is hard to watch. Why? Because seeing someone in pain over the loss of a parent breaks me. It reminds me of my own.
We’re almost through this season of Never Have I Ever and where as it has definitely been an up and down ride, this episode had me crying my eyes out and wishing for someone to make sense of my feelings.
I know that Devi is hurting and she’s gone through a lot. But all of it has come to a head and everything that she has suppressed is rising to the top. And that is not such a bad thing. Things have to take their time and grief is definitely an emotion that takes its own time and rises in its own moments.
We don’t have control over grief. We don’t have a way to understand it all the time. We just live with and through it.
But for Devi, it’s all risen to the top and what she’s left with is a feeling like she just has to let it all out.
And the person that she takes it all out on, is her Mom.
Now, finding out that a parent is lying to you – hell, anyone is lying to you – is heart breaking. Though I think most of us live by the “i’d rather be hurt with the truth than a lie” motto, sometimes that doesn’t ring true. Sometimes the truth hurts more than the lie.
Devi hasn’t been one to pay all of the attention to her Mom, but seeing her laugh with Dr. Jackson has put her on edge. I don’t think that Devi wants her Mom to hurt or be alone, but she misses her Dad.
Nalani has every right to move forward and hey, Dr. Jackson is a great choice. We’re all looking at the same man, right? Common is a gift, there fore any character that he plays is a gift. But Devi can’t accept that and with her Mom lying to her, she thinks that she needs to catch her in the act.
But I think for Devi it’s because she wants someone to be mad at besides herself. When someone passes away all you think about is all of the things that you could have done, the things that you could have said.
Devi wonders if her Mom has left go and tricks Kamala into spying on her. Spying on her Mom and getting angrier and angrier over the situation. And when her Mom leaves her on read, she accidentally drops her phone. She climbs off the roof and when she goes for her phone, falls in the spa.
Devi is all sorts of angry. She goes off and Nalani still lies to her. She says she’s not on a date and then proceeds to chastise Devi. What I wonder with parents is if they realize that lying to your kid or making your child feel worse about themself is never the way to go. You’re supposed to build them up.
But Nalani tears her down. And when she gets home, she tells her she’s acting crazy. Devi’s heard this a lot from the people in her school and around her. But when your parents tell you something like that, it’s like a knife going straight into your heard and twisting around.
Devi can’t even listen to whatever else she has to say, because that was enough for her.
When Devi asks Dr. Ryan if she is crazy, I am appreciative of her having such a good therapist. Seeing Devi so broken down and finally showing her pain is one of the hardest things to watch. But like I have also never had an actress convince me that she was feeling pain like Devi does in this moment. She feels deep, so very deep, and that isn’t always easy. But honestly, living a life that is emotional, no matter the feelings is also very beautiful.
Even if you can’t see it at the moment.
And yes, you would think at this moment things would get better, but they get worse. Devi goes to find her Mom and finds her kissing Dr. Jackson. She looses her shit and the way she disrespects her Mom, I am in shock. Her Grandma slaps her and tells Devi that she needs to be respectful and her Mom is responsible for her life, and she should be grateful.
I understand being angry at your parents. I have been hella angry at my Mom. But sometimes when we are in our own pain, we don’t see others pain. And Devi sure hasn’t seen her Moms. But when she tells Devi that she misses her father so much it physically hurts, I cried. She just wanted to forget the pain for a moment and that is really fair.
Devi thinking that she’s forgetting her father, that they all are, and being upset over the lost voicemails is also really fair. She’s afraid to forget her Dads voice, which I understand, because I have forgotten my Mom’s and it kills me everyday that I can’t hear her voice. But for Devi, Nalani pulls out a video tape of her Dad calling her his perfect girl.
And I have never been so relieved for her.
ELEANOR AND MALCOLM
At the beginning of the episode, Eleanor is still not talking to her friends. Malcolm has made her believe that he friends are toxic when he is the one that is extremely toxic. Eleanor is caught up in young love though and hears only the things that he says to her.
But Malcolm shows his true colors and dumps her over text.
While I don’t want anyone to be hurt, I also feel like that hurt propels Eleanor forward. She finds the way to relate to her parents and let her Dad and Sharon in.
But she also finds the way back to her friends.
Eleanor is dramatic as fuck, but she really has a great heart. And she deserves better than what she settles for.
I really like Paxton. I like the way that he’s changing and investing more in himself. When he finds his Great Grandpa’s journal from when he was in the internment camps, it opens his eyes to more. But what I am proud of with Paxton is that he goes above and beyond for an extra credit assignment in class and brings him into talk to the class. His teacher is so excited.
But we’re all excited for Paxton. Because Paxton is starting to believe in himself.
And then I am thinking for a second that he’s changed and really likes Devi. After all why else would he sneak into her house and make out with her for hours. He makes her happy, he makes her feel like she’s seen.
That is until she realizes that he’s played her. Because when she sees him in public he looks at her and is like “pal.”
Ummm what the fuck Paxton? Don’t make me hate you when I feel like you just found your way.