The Progressive Girl’s Guide to Surviving the Apocalypse

The Incomplete Yet Ultimate Guide To Surviving This Political Shit Storm!

In no way is this list exhaustive. It is a beginner’s introduction to what you can expect as the world comes to a screaming halt one Cheetos not-president at a time. Should you heed my words, it is quite likely that nothing good will come of it, nor will anyone care, and you will simply cede to the calm realization that precedes any good plan of acceptance. You will find your Chai tea, and your book on compositing, and calmly sink into your most comfortable chair and repeat the blank, soul-crushing litany of “Oh shit!” until the burn of total apocalypse consumes your soul, your hope, and all life on earth.

Happy reading!

Rule #1

You must acknowledge that all lies are truths and all truths are lies, and that all truthiness is lie-ness is truthiness in disguise. If this confuses you, don’t worry! Truth is overrated! When you come to the realization that truths are subjective and that blaming others for facts you should have but don’t is better than orgasms and warm coffee, you become a happier person!

Tip: Just remember, trying to argue with anyone who believes in Trump’s lies is a useless, wasteful, ridiculous endeavor. This progressive girl recommends the “if you can’t beat them join them” mentality. At the next social interaction you have, take a deep breath and yell whatever nonsense you can think to say. Be sure to yell it louder and more confidently than anyone else. The louder you yell the more seriously you are taken.

Tip: Yelling “I invented jorts!” is a crowd pleaser. Yell with caution, and only if you have plenty of condoms on hand. The sexiness of this statement cannot be contained to a room.

Rule #2

Healthcare seems like a really cool right that we should have. Post-apocalypse, it easy to see that things like getting preventable conditions treated by the expenditure of a universal tax is overrated and foolish. The Canadians have weird ideas like that, and are clearly insane. These are the people that like confusing us with the plural of moose by saying moose and hiding subliminal sex jokes in all shipments of maple syrup they send to us. Don’t be like Canada. No, get used to the idea that your life is only valued by the income you make! Things are much easier this way! Acceptance is key to willing away any need for healthcare you may ever have. If you believe it hard enough, perfect health is yours for the taking.

Tip: Never get sick or disabled! If you feel any unfortunate diseases coming your way, will them away with the power of your mind! Unpreventable diseases are for communists and Canadians, and only the Canadians ever talk about them.

Tip: Do not own a uterus. Seriously! Kick that hot bag of blood and baby-making holding tank out to the curb. It is a pre-existing condition not welcome in the apocalypse. You’ll thank me later!

Tip: Accept that any autonomy over your body has been given to white bags of wrinkles and drool, who have the reading comprehension of four-year-olds, less common sense, and more willingness to disassociate humanity to anything without a conventional dick. They yell really loud, so they must be right.

Rule #3

There is a wall. It is being built. We’re not quite sure if it’s meant to keep people from escaping this new wasteland of the apocalypse or to protect the people on the outside, but it is definitely being built. It’s not costing anything though. It’s free! Fairies are building it. As a favor. The wall is your friend. The fairies are not.

Tip: Do not piss the fairies off.

Tip: Seriously they bite. Like tiny, vindictive pissed-off bats.

Tip: Their bites sting like pain of lies.

Tip: The only way people can get to America is via walking. This has been proven by data and stuff. And the most visa overstays are absolutely not Canadians, who are absolutely not being targeted in ridiculous ICE raids of predominately white communities. That is a lying lie who lies. Why would anyone target a specific peaceful community based on ethnicity in order to “suss out criminals”? That’s silly foolishness.

Rule #4

Bans are finnnneee. Bans are friendly. Bans mean that you get to deal with American-born citizens who think everyone with any hint of melanin to their skin is a freeloader, and that social program promote laziness, even as they take advantage of them, and that being a decent human being is for once a week, twice if it’s Christmas. Bans in no way give ammunition to hatred, or encourage racial profiling. Accept the ban. Become one with the ban. Ban the ban! The sooner you realize that the ban ensures absolutely nothing but is good anyways, the better off you’ll be.

Tip: Don’t worry about that worrisome statistic that more toddlers shoot people than Muslim terrorists have ever killed citizens. That statistic is for people who can read. It is unimportant. Look over there! Hateful rhetoric I just made up! Cool, huh?

Tip: Dictators love a good enemy. It feeds their mana. It makes them strong with the dark side of the force. When we allow their propaganda to filter into our collective consciousness, we’re really being helpful, because our indifference ensures the next teenage female hero will rise up out of her orphan roots and save us all. We’re gifting her an origin story! It’s much better than doing it ourselves. Teenagers will save us always. It’s a rule. Also, filtering through fake news is hard. You know what’s not hard? Complaining about stuff. Let’s do that instead.

Tip: Don’t ever complain around the fairies. They’re working hard, and they will fuck you up.

Rule #5

Buy lots of sunscreen. Maybe invest in stock. Sun umbrella companies would be a decent kickstart to your investing career. Definitely in jorts. Jorts are the best summer weather clothes. Invest in all the hot weather gear you can think of right now. Make money off the apocalypse! Because with our new dedication to ignoring the scientific consensus that has been gifted to us by people who actually study the shit for a mother fucking living, hot weather gear is this year’s safe bet! Investing in oil and respirators is probably a sound bet as well. If we’re all gonna die, let’s go out rich!

Tip: That melting sensation as your skin peals away from your bones is the sun saying hi. Don’t be rude.

Tip: Maybe don’t invest in real estate on the coastlines right now.

Tip: Pat Robertson is clearly the expert we all need in this subject.

Rule #6

Radiation suits are neat in theory, but they are totally unfashionable. They crinkle when you move, and they are always green or yellow. Those are the colors of nature. Nature is stupid. We like to kill it for that reason. Build a bomb shelter. Underground! Oh! A bunker! Build one of those. Because the re-armament of the nuclear stockpile in no way will antagonize our allies and infuriate our enemies, leaving us friendless and basically alone as a nuclear war descends. Unless you count Russia, which Trump clearly does. Most of us will die, but between the blistering sun and the debilitating diseases, no bigs!

Tip: A cleaning system for the air in your bunker is pivotal. No one likes to smell that many farts just all the time. Invest smartly in a clean air system. You’ll thank me later.

Tip: It’s not technically cannibalism if you didn’t know them first and if you ate the remaining survivors of the bunker with your eyes closed. Everyone knows that.

Tip: In no way is anyone thinking that small men like big weapons to compensate.

Rule #7

Be straight and heteronormative. Like all the time. Don’t think about the same sex being sexy or nice, even when you’re all alone. Definitely don’t try to explain how religion has nothing to do with sexual orientation or gender identity to people. These are logical things that only compassionate people care about, and they are super wasted in the apocalypse. We’re all too busy yelling nowadays, anyways. Just think about straight people things – like repression! That’s a fun one. And only telling heterosexual love stories on TV. That’ll get you some mileage.

Tip: Saying “Howdy” repeatedly fools no one. Don’t do it.

Tip: Marriage equality is silly anyways. Why would you want to marry the love of your life and ensure they are protected under the law? Making a commitment to pizza instead seems like a solid use of time. Forget about love, and soulmates, and equality. Our government definitely has! Think of the pizza.

Tip: Writing straight things people say on your inner arm with Sharpies does not help you at parties. Unless everyone is drunk.

Tip: Maybe get everyone drunk.

Tip: It won’t be all that difficult now.

Rule #8

If you can at all arrange it so that you’re born a white dude, do it! I mean, what’s better than having your privilege handed to you on a subconscious platter that most don’t even realize they have. It’s an invisible platter! How cool is that? With cookies! No raisin cookies, even! Just oatmeal cookies so bland you want to die, but super awesome anyways! For reasons! It’s divine. Although, us white women ushered in the apoca-trump, so, maybe that’s no bad! If you have a second choice, be born a white woman!

Tip: Racial profiling and inequity is super inconvenient, sure, but at least it comes with the benefit of being told that you’re making it up, people talking down to you, and outright aggression and murder! How many people can boast that, eh? White boys are just jumping at the chance!

Tip: This might be where the power of yelling about jorts could be best played.

Rule #9

As a progressive woman, you will be silenced. For saying things like “people are equal!” or “we shouldn’t let people die because they can’t afford healthcare!” or “people shouldn’t be judged by the color of their skin!” or “you’re a bag of Cheetos minus the bag and minus the fun!” To combat this, learn interpretive dance. Not only will you look super awesome while showing the world your sweet moves, but it comes with the added benefit of no one being able to yell over you. Ever tried to yell over a mime? Tell me how useful that was, and you’ll see the power you’ve unleashed upon the world.

Tip: Check. And. Mate.

Tip: Mimes should not be engaged with at any time, including holidays and dinner strolls in Paris. They are creepy, and they will cut you.

Tip: Stretch thoroughly before any and all interpretive dancing, particularly if you plan on expressing any points about contraceptives.

Rule #10

Some might say that running is imperative in the apocalypse. Running makes me want to claw off my face with a rusty paper clip, so no, don’t invest in running. It’s dumb. Instead, invest in being right. Being right about everything. Being right about being right. Don’t listen to anyone. Don’t help anyone out. Keep telling everyone that everything will be okay. Make sure you let everyone know that we should just give the incredibly wealthy, racist – literal Nazis! – white dudes the benefit of the doubt. It’s not like any red flags are sent up when dictators-in-hopefulness start trying to attack a free press and start deliberately taking away hard won leaps toward equality. Why worry about rights being stripped away?! We have religion and stuff! What we feel personally is more important than a greater good that serves the moral majority of all! We have the warm sense of being right all the time! Let’s snuggle up to that around our fake fires in our underground fart-free-ish bunkers and not consider how reasoning based on a moral center of equality is a better way of approaching life. Fires are warm, and morals are for losers!

Tip: Do not light fires in bunkers. That will come back to haunt you.

Tip: Being right usually goes hand-in-hand with yelling the loudest, so warm up those vocal chords. Red leather, yellow leather – repeat until primed for hate.

Tip: Twitter is a great place to get into fights with people, particularly leaders of other countries. Do this and you’ll be far from a loser. What’s the opposite of a loser? Not overrated…Something with a w? Start wars on Twitter. You’ll totally be a social media guru!

*Any deaths by fairy mauling are entirely your fault. I take no responsibility, you poor ridiculous bastards.

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