‘A Christmas Prince: Royal Wedding’ Review: Bring Back The Cheese Please

I can’t.

I know, I say that a lot, but in all reality – I just can’t. It really just fits sometimes, because I think that sometimes studios are stupid. They don’t pay attention to fandoms, the don’t pay attention to the reasons that people like something. They look at it and go “well that made us money, let’s make it better.” And look – it’s okay to make it better, but when you take away what was fundamentally good about the movie or TV show – then you have done a disservice to everyone.

And let me just say it, Netflix took away what was fundamentally good about A Christmas Prince.

Now, I love me some Christmas movies. I don’t like Christmas, call me The Grinch and you would be accurate. But I can appreciate a good Christmas movie.

I love the formulas that go into every movie. I love that you can count on it all to be a bunch of bullshit that will never happen, and inevitably the romantic shit will only happen in a small town or a made up country. I love any Christmas movie that has to do with royalty.

But the thing that I love the most about Christmas movies is the CHEESE. Sure, I love the old movies – the ones that weren’t so cheesy, that had some moral, that made you think. But when I turn on Netflix, Lifetime, or The Hallmark Channel, I want cheese. I want shit to be so cheesy that my lactose intolerance comes into play. I want to feel some second hand embarrassment. I want to yell at the television and tell people not to do something. I want to be able to predict every twist and turn.

I fell in love with A Christmas Prince, because it was horrible. The continuity errors, the horrible editing, the CHEESE. When Netflix announced the sequel, I got excited. I was like planning my December around it.

And then I watched it.

And well, I hate you for what you did Netflix. And let me just take this chance to say – if you fuck up and The Princess Switch sequel like you did with this one – my ass will be done with you and Christmas movies. Cause what you did in this time of joy is you ripped the hope from my heart and smashed it.

I’m not the Grinch in this situation, whomever green lighted this boring as fuck snooze fest is. Ya, I said what I said.

Why did I hate it so much? Well, I’m in a mood, so let me be blunt.

If I Wanted To Talk Politics I’d Watch The News

The world is filled with politics at every turn, and when I watch a Christmas movie, I sure as hell don’t wanna be stuck in politics. Lord, did the writer not see that Donald Trump is everywhere and he’s a nightmare. I don’t wanna talk politics. Real life politics is scary enough and a nightmare that we are all living in 24/7. Take me out of it. Let me escape. Don’t give me more.

Sure, I know Richard is the head of a country and shits gonna happen. But if we’re gonna try and make it realistic then you wouldn’t have the Queen be standing to the side not doing a fucking thing. Do you think that we haven’t watched royal families on TV for years and know that any member is paraded around 24/7? Let’s be real mofo’s. Let’s tell shit like it is.

But don’t put me in the space where I can’t escape mother effers. Give me an escape or give me nothing.

You Didn’t Showcase The Best Characters

I wanted more Emily and more Queen Helena. I did not want all the Mrs. Averill and less Sahil. Sahil felt like he was placed in for comedic relief and it’s offensive, over done, and rude. Mrs. Averill was annoying as fuck. The drama was forced. And please, do you think that for a second that any royal family wants some avant garde wedding when all you’re talking is protocol? Please. WE ARE NOT THAT DUMB.

The reality is that Netflix tried to mix the movie with cheese and an upgrade, but what cheese they accomplished was cottage cheese and that shit is gross. If you’re gonna give me cheese, give me a good one.

That Ending Was Forced

The problem isn’t that this movie did have a shit ton of plot holes – it did. I mean I expected that and I was thankful for that. But that ending – I give them 10 points for trying to throw us a spin and not be able to guess that ending, but the problem was that they bored us so much throughout the movie that by the very end – it was forced.

It felt like they put us to sleep – which hey, thanks for the nap – and tried to wake us up with some high stakes drama. Only it was too little too late. Carry me through the movie. Make me stay interested.

Point was I didn’t feel shit but my ingrown toenail, which I managed to get out during the movie. That was more interesting than the movie.

Ruin A Ship? You Sure As Fuck Did

Amber and Richard were my jam. I loved the tension, the love, the will they or won’t they. I remember watching the first film and screaming at the TV, FUCK HER ALREADY. Ya, I said what I said.

This movie I was like why are these two getting married because they have as much chemistry as a brother and sister. There was no heat. There was no angst. There was that feeling that he’s definitely going to take on a mistress and love every second of banging her instead of his wife.

I can see the Dateline exclusive already. That’ll be hotter than this shit.

Where Is The Damn Drama That We Loved?

Please review the first movie and see what drama is. Give us something comparable. If you don’t know what drama is: watch a soap opera. Turn on a telenovela. Seriously – whomever wrote, directed, and thought this was a good idea – you need to educate yourself.

And if you went an ivy league school – hell if you went to any school at all, ask for a refund.

Ya, Netflix, you fucked up my Christmas movie season. Thanks for nothing – well you gave me something, the ability to be put to sleep without Trazadone. So, ya, thanks for that.

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