Gather ‘round, kiddos, because we have a very important matter to discuss: Christopher Meloni’s ass. Call it Meloni’s pair of ripe, juicy melons, “something about cake” (as his bff “Marsha” recently called it when verifying that yes, that ass did break the internet). peach…whatever you want, really. Either way, it is a gorgeous sight to behold and deserves its own publicity.
(Side note: Call me if you want the cake to have its own Twitter account, Zaddy.)
As someone who attempts to give forth at least a little bit of a “professional” vibe, I should say I regret everything I’m about to say here. But honestly? I regret absolutely nothing. One does not simply gaze upon the glory that is Zaddy Meloni’s melons and walk away unaffected. We should—no, we must—spread the good word.
That ass belongs in The Louvre. Quite frankly, someone should see if it has magical healing properties or not. (It probably does, and I volunteer to be the first subject in what I’m sure will be a very scientific study). Or, another idea: Would it be totally weird to ask Christopher Meloni to let someone make a cast of it, to be sold to people with taste everywhere to use as some kind of talisman? Rub those cheeks for good luck!
It’s just the right size, perfectly rounded, and a real scene stealer. Is there a Best Ass category at the Emmys yet? No? There should be, and Meloni should win. Every. Year.
Of course, thirsting over the Law & Order: Organized Crime (and former SVU) star is nothing new. There are bloopers from his original time on SVU with costar, bestie, and—let’s be honest—fellow fangirl, Mariska Hargitay…in which she gets a handful of that world famous tuches.
And there’s far more evidence out there that, no, even she isn’t immune to Chris’ cake.
Do we blame her? Not one little bit. Honestly, we kind of hate her for being in such close proximity to so much glory for so long—especially since she’s already incredibly blessed by being, well, her.
Take, for example, that one time Hargitay was asked by a caller on Watch What Happens Live what Christopher Meloni’s “sexiest asset” was. After giving a really thoughtful, sweet answer regarding his inability to lie, Mariska was offered an alternate take by host Andy Cohen: “I was going to say his ass.”
And Mariska (or “Marsha” if you’re unhinged like her and Zaddy) couldn’t exactly argue with Cohen in that interview from years ago. She was a lot more succinct on the matter, but she said what needed to be said about Christopher Meloni and his melons.
He has a good booty. I’m not going to lie.
Well, yeah. We love it when besties are inspired by each other’s dedication to truth!
Meloni’s ass is, undeniably, just the perfect specimen. It has been for a long time, and it keeps getting better with age. Which is kind of rude, to be honest. Not only is the actor aging better than the finest of wines, but so, too, is the cake. Instead of going stale—instead of the melons getting over-ripe—it remains delicious.
If that thing was “the best butt in primetime” as far back as 2014 (probably farther, to be honest), there really aren’t enough superlatives for it now. The man is 60, and whatever amount of salivating we might have done over his butt before, none of it compares to the delectable dessert he’s prepared for us now.
And he knows it. Is it ego? Nah. It’s just all that honesty his bud found sexy all along.
Quite frankly, it’s very kind of Chris Meloni to give us all a taste of cake whenever the opportunity arises. Some folks might mug for the camera. Zaddy squats for the shutters. Let us all thank him and praise him.
You could almost surely bounce a quarter off it. Or, maybe, it’d make a good pair of stress balls. It’s the star of far too many fantasies, and we’d totally feel guilty for objectifying a guy who’s giving us such great performances over the years…but like…Sometimes, you just can’t help yourself. Besides, if the man’s going to encourage everyone’s thirst tweets the way he does, that’s totally a free pass, right?
So, what’s with the renewed interest in Christopher Meloni’s melons? First off, we never got over them. Let’s just go ahead and get that out of the way. Second, though, with his return to the Law & Order universe and the well-tailored suits his character, Elliot Stabler, is suddenly sporting, there are more chances than ever to experience that famous backside in all its beauty. (Thank you to the wardrobe department and my 4K TV for my life, by the way.)
With the series’ second season coming at the end of September, Meloni’s doing the press rounds. Recently, that included an interview with Men’s Health that gave the internet all new images to thirst over (and bless the TV gods for giving 2021 Captain Benson that version of Stabler). But like. It was the bonus material on the Twitter dot com that really lit a fire under our veins.
Why? You guessed it: That ass.
The man knows exactly what he’s doing to all of us. And frankly? We should thank Christopher Meloni for it…perhaps by bowing down and kissing his perfectly-sized, miraculously-shaped derrière.
