No matter what happens, we’ll always have infinity.
It’s funny how eight words, eight simple words, strung all together, can make your heart burst and tears start to fall down your face.
Now, don’t get me wrong, those eight words come about fifteen minutes in and by then I was already a mess. I was a mess because in fifteen minutes we’d gotten to see happy, sad, heartbreak, and loneliness. But we’d also been smacked with the fact that the worst that can happen did.
Susannah is gone.
Told in present day and flashbacks we see that this changed everything. I think as a viewer, we’d always known that it would. We’d always known that summer would never be the same.
Be prepared, because this episode will have you crying from beginning to end. This episode will leave you wanting more. This episode will destroy you and you’ll welcome it.
Because sometimes, everything has to fall apart in order to be put back together.
When the show picks back up, we’re automatically thinking that everything is okay. We’re back in Cousins for the summer and everyone is happy. Susannah isn’t around. Conrad and Belly are together. Jeremiah is okay.
But happiness is fleeting and what we quickly learn is that Susannah is gone. She’s passed on and in the process of it all, Belly has lost Conrad and Jeremiah. Yes, we’ll get to the why’s of that, but what we do know is that it’s complicated.
Belly is honest with both Conrad and Jeremiah, but everything is complicated. She wants to be with Conrad. She has loved him unconditionally, with all of her heart. She’s felt this her entire life and she’s comfortable with it. She feels electric with him.
But in falling for Conrad, she’s going to have to do the one thing she doesn’t want to do – she’s going to have to break Jeremiah’s heart.
And that’s not going to be something that Belly can deal with. It’s not going to be easy for her to see her best friend in pain.
Look, I know that when it comes to ships, everyone has their own. Since I read the books, years ago, I have always felt drawn to Conrad. He’s broken, he’s confused, he’s hurting – but he’s also just trying to remain strong for everyone around him. Conrad feels as though he’s got to protect his brother.
He feels like he has had to protect everyone from the pain of Susannah having cancer. Yet, what he didn’t realize was that in doing that he was also breaking those around him. They didn’t understand why he was hurting and I think that we can all relate in some way to feeling that.
I think in someway we can all relate to wanting to be found in the darkness.
Jeremiah and Conrad are both special people. They are both the type of guy that you wouldn’t want to hurt and that you regret when you do. Belly loves them both in different ways and weirdly enough, I believe in a way that they were both her first love in different ways. I believe that Jeremiah and Conrad were always meant for Belly, but at different moments.
And if you come for me and say ‘but they’re brothers,’ to that I would say I am aware. They are both different parts of Belly’s story.
When Belly tells Conrad that they should put everything on hold, because she hates that she hurt Jeremiah and can’t do this to him, I broke. I broke, because love isn’t supposed to be this hard. I cried because Belly is hurting and so is Conrad and so is Jeremiah, and there was no way to make it better for any of them.
Steven is graduating high school and is moving on to Princeton. He’s excited to go and very excited for all the prospects that are the future.
When the Conklins are getting ready to leave, a basket arrives. It’s a basket from Susannah.
It’s rare – almost unheard of – that you are blessed in your life with someone like Susannah. She’s made an impression and given her heart. It’s never been easy for her to sit back and watch, but she did. And as she did, she always knew what to say. She knew what to do.
Including the words on the card. The card that told Steven to enjoy the journey that life was going to give him. Her words transformed his valedictorian speech into something pretty epic and made him go viral.
Belly knows that to a certain point she needs to move forward. I don’t think that Belly knows how, but I can’t blame her. It’s rare that any of us know how to move on from the first time we fell in love. Everyone trying to make it seem like it’s what she needs to do.
And she tries. Belly really tries. But the thing is that, she’s not ready. She’s not even close to being ready. It’s one of those things that we all aren’t blessed enough to be able to understand. You see, not all of us find our soulmates in the people we’ve known our whole life.
And some of us never know the heartbreak of loosing the one that we love, but it’s something that will tear you apart in a way that you didn’t know you could be torn.
With that heartbreak comes consequences. Conrad and Jeremiah have basically iced Belly and her brother out. Steven gets so angry at Belly over it and when she explodes on him and tells him just how in love she was, I cried my eyes out. Lola Tung gives these amazing performances in this show and it’s something that we don’t always get to see in actors – a performance that never falters.
A performance that gets better and better with each syllable.
We’re reminded that people are hurting. We’re reminded that grief shows in different ways. Memories consume you, they find you. They can be forgotten, but in a jolt of life, you are reminded that you need to keep living.
Everyone can and does miss Susannah. They miss her in a way that you want to be missed in your life. We can all only wish that we are as loved as Susannah is (and yes, I know she’s gone, but I don’t believe that love really ever fades.
Susannah would have never wanted them all to stop living. She’d want them to all be living their best lives and to not have anything put on hold for her. But they all have and they’re going to need to be forced to find their way.
Loving all of the flashbacks that are in this episode and that’s rare for me. I don’t normally like flashbacks, but the reason that I especially love them here is because we get to understand Belly and Conrad.
We get to see the moments that made them. The organic way that they fell deeper and deeper for each other. And hey, I am not saying that it’s perfect, but it is what it is.
And I am rooting for them. I think a large majority of us would want to have all of these phone conversations that change us. We’d want to have that last and first call to look forward to. They are organic, they are hard and yet they are easy. It just fits.
Belly had drawn a line with Conrad, that she needed space. She needed space because she didn’t want to hurt anyone. She wanted the brothers to have each other with everything going on with Susannah.
But the night that Conrad calls her and they start to talk, you can see them start to live again. Belly and Conrad have these deep talks that make them see that they don’t want to live without each other.
Here’s the thing though, when you are in love, you. are in love. Conrad and Belly have a connection. When he shows up at her house, I stood up and cheered. Yes, they are my ship and they are who I wanted together.
Who. I want together.
Do I want either of them to experience this heartache? No. I don’t. But I am holding out.
I am interested in seeing how it is that they will play out their relationship. I am interested to see their road. I do know it with the bools, but I admit, I am terrified of any adaptation and how they will change things. Or if they will.
How we will get to Conrad and Belly being together, I don’t know. I do know that I will go down with this ship.
- Beck always knows.
- Belly telling her Mom that she’s been waiting for her to show up and be a parent… wow. That takes courage.
- Taylor and her boyfriend making out non stop… girl come up for air.
- Laurel needs to get her shit together. I get she’s in mourning, but get the help you need. Allow people in. Susannah would want that.
- When Conrad is on the bench and the way he talks to Belly, I was like yes, this is love.
- Jeremiah answering the phone – how angry he is. I wonder if he realizes that he should have talked to Belly about how he’s feeling.
- I miss Susannah!