We’re back getting to know the women of The Golden Bachelor and regretting nothing. We’ve got so many questions – like why are all of these women wearing black. It feels like they are all going to a funeral. Can we not do that? It’s not a good look and we also are sad that they missed the opportunity to dress them all in gold.
The gold backdrop though – that shit is making all of these pictures worse. Who thought that was a good idea? We already that Gerry embraced gold with his spray tan and that wasn’t a good idea either. Apparently we’re all gonna take “gold” too seriously.
We’ve broken down the women with names A – L, and so here we are needing to go through the rest. And it’s true, we need to. We need to because we’re so intrigued by the women who wanted to be on The Golden Bachelor and find love with the possibility of having to move to Indiana of all places. Well that and haven’t they seen The Bachelor? This shit rarely works out.
MARIA (60)
Well, Maria, a Health & Wellness director, apparently is a, “firecracker that’s ready to find a spark” according to her official bio. She’s got a great smile and is looking for love. We can appreciate that, but we’re really curious what the hell a “love adventure” is. Someone explain that to us (it’s in her bio and yes, we’re hanging onto the small things here). She’s a Mom of 3 and the bio says that she loves them more than anything in the world. She’s passionate about working with families who are impacted by autism and for that we’re loving Maria.
MARINA (60)
Marina has THREE Master degrees, so we are just in awe of her. Also just wondering where one gets that much time in their lives. It really just feels like she’s either got a staff or is amazing at time management. A fun fact about her is that she doesn’t wait in lines and we’re wondering if she realizes that is a sign of someone who is really high maintenance. She’s got two kids and two fur babies. Loving animals and calling them her babies – we stan. But her want to make Gerry a casserole makes us meh. We remember our Grandma’s making us those and they can definitely be suspect.
NANCY (60)
Nancy looks like she likes to have fun, but also loves gold. Gold is a red flag, because well, we’re basic. She is, “loyal, faithful and funny, and is looking for a self-assured, trustworthy man.” We wish you all the luck with that Nancy. We’d like to know if you find one like that, because well we’re not sure we believe one of those exists. She says, “I believe in love stories. And even having had a great one, I believe I can have another.” We like your optimism Nancy.
NATASCHA (60)
We were rooting for you Natascha, but then we read you want bell bottoms to come back and well, no. Just no. That’s like saying you want low rise jeans. We fought for that shit to never return. Natascha is a pro-aging coach, which again, we don’t understand. Getting older is terrifying. She does love listening to Janet Jackson, which is a plus. She also loves being in Central Park so we get her. Just not the bell bottoms. We won’t ever get that.
PAMELA (75)
Pamela is ready to say goodbye to her single days. So are we Pamela. So are we. She says she’s looking for a man who is, “spontaneous, gentle, witty and laid-back.” Again Pamela, so are we. We can appreciate that Pamela loves to sit in a hammock and drink a cocktail. We are the same – except for us – we don’t have a hammock so bed will have to do. Her two kids and three grandchildren say she’s a great listener. We think that’s from all her years as a salon owner, cause we know that our hair stylist is one of our therapists.
PATTY (70)
Patty’s seen the process of The Bachelor work for her son, Matt James. We’d call the process working for him a little suspect, but it’s cause we don’t believe in this process per say. But it’s not about us. It’s about Patty and her love for body glitter, which is an automatic red flag. A love for glitter of any kind is a big red flag. While Patty is beautiful, the person who did her hair for this pic should be fired. She’s been single for 30 years and is looking forward to meeting Gerry. We’re hoping after 30 years she no longer remains single. That’s a long fucking time.
PEGGY (69)
Peggy is a dental hygienist and so we’re understanding why she’s smiling so big. She takes care of her teeth and that’s of the utmost importance. Dental care is super important. No one wants a smelly mouth. Her fun fact is she would love to be JLo for a day (wouldn’t we all). She’s volunteered on several dental missions around the world and puts others before herself. She doesn’t regret anything in her life, which we can admire. Can’t understand wanting to work on teeth, cause ew. But we’ll give her points for her volunteering cause that’s admirable.
RENEE (67)
Renee reminds us of our Grandma, so there is that. She’s a former cheerleader (which is unlike our Grandma) and wants to meet Harry Styles (also unlike our Grandma). She looks way too innocent for The Bachelor. Like she says that the most, “romantic thing she’s ever done for someone is make a homemade blanket so he ‘could always feel my warmth and love around him.'” Renee is too good for this world of reality tv.
SANDRA (75)
Sandra is proud of her very high credit score, as one should always be. NGL, after that being one of the facts about her, we need to understand how high it is. She doesn’t look 75 but does show her age by admitting that her favorite TV show is Wheel of Fortune. Maybe she brought that up though cause she was on it and wants people to know that she’s all about that TV life. She describes herself as, “creative, patient and independent.” She loves Luther Vandross and it gets her “in the mood.” Things that I have to say, we never needed to know.
SUSAN (66)
We thought that this was Kris Jenner’s sister at first. We had to look. She’s a hair and makeup artist and we have to admit we didn’t see that one coming. But then again, we’re hoping that she didn’t do her hair and makeup here cause not a good look. She dreams of having lunch with Kris Jenner, so we weren’t too far off on thinking she’s family. Susan loves concerts and her two favorites were The Rolling Stones and Pink Floyd. Susan has a pair of pink go go boots that she loves. We rest our case.
SYLVIA (64)
Obvi Sylvia missed the memo that cap sleeves look good on no one. She’s been in PR her entire life, so we’re wondering if it’s just that her inbox was full? Who knows. She loves any excuse to put on a costume, so maybe it is that? Is she wearing a costume and we just haven’t caught on? She’s always wanted to get married, but the job came first and now she’s shifting focus to herself. Girl, you go. You do you.
THERESA (69)
NGL, whomever styled these women needs to be fired. None of this looking like they are going to a funeral ball is working. Theresa girl, they did you dirty. Theresa is described as having a “big heart” and she’s looking for a partner that is her best friend. She loves to sing alone in her car, which we all do. She loves 70’s music, both soft and hard rock, so we’re wanting to know what she’s singing in the car.
Yes, we’re looking forward to The Golden Bachelor. Bring on the hot mess express! Are you?
