It’s been a while since we last checked in with…whatever that dynamic is between Mariska Hargitay and Christopher Meloni. And no, we’re not talking about EO (or Bensler, whichever) here: We’re talking about real-life life ruiners, who have fully embraced the fandom mashing their names up like all the cool kids do with our ships. Call them Chriska or call them Marshmelon — Marsha voice: “Because he calls me Marsha sometimes!” — but either way, they know what they’re doing to us.
And they enjoy it. It should be a crime, punishable by…um…Let’s hang out and have coffee? No? Um. Punishable by…Let EO bang already? There we go. (But uh. I’m never opposed to coffee.)
As Today already warned those of you who might not have had the watch the interview, Mariska and her “internet boyfriend” decided to reenact the day they met for Seth Meyers and his audience. And, yes, we agree: “They were absolutely sick for this.“
Whenever Hargitay and Meloni get together, there’s always that constant need to ask yourself so many questions. Important ones, even, like: “Why are they like this,” or, “what was the reason?” My personal favorite, at this point? Can I just live for five damned minutes? (Mariska voice: No.)
This particular chapter of the Chriska saga, however, was baffling even for those of us who’ve witnessed…That, also known as Them, an uncountably infinite number of times in our finite lives: Apparently, Hargitay…didn’t realize how sexy that scene from Law & Order: Organized Crime 2×15 turned out. She even claimed she didn’t even think she was playing it sexy, which…uh. Hello?????? Can we live?
Well. Now, we have a whole new series of questions to ask…
Ma’am and Sir, please explain yourselves: Questions after Mariska Hargitay and Christopher Meloni’s Late Night Fuckery
- Is this woman for real???
- …or is she a lying liar who lies?
- Did she…did she pat his ass to get him to sit down? (Who wouldn’t.)
- How do I become part of a Chriska sandwich? Asking for a friend.
- Also asking for a friend, in a totally-not-weird way: Could Chris and Mariska be the bread while I’m in the middle?
- If that was Hargitay’s “inadvertent sexiness,” as Seth Meyers put it, what the everloving fuck are we going to do when she intends for a Bensler scene to be sexy?
- And while we’re at it: EO WHEN?????????
- No, but seriously…can anyone help?
- What’s it like to know peace?
- Are Meloni and Hargitay out to kill us? (Probably yes.)
- Was whoever constantly puts Olivia Benson in those boxy AF blazers just trying to protect us? Did we demonize all the wrong people all this time???
- Does this mean…does this mean we were wrong about this woman’s disgustingly unfair amount of talent? I mean, if the opposite of the intent is what winds up on TV…
The last one is an obvious “no” — the strongest “fuck no” of all time, actually — but even having that infinitesimal sliver of doubt, for however short a time, just shows how much the Chriska effect destroys brains.
And hearts, and souls…And we’re not even going into the damage of twenty-three long years of waiting for EO…
…more Marshmelon messiness
Somewhere in all of this, Meyers also chatted Mariska and Chris up about Meloni’s Zaddy status. Because how can anyone not with an ass like that. (Which, again…Help?)
Weirdly, the Zaddy talk focused on something…else that had Melons’ bestie Marsha — just “one of the names” he calls her — saying “WOW” a lot…
…which, honestly? That’s about all we can say at this point, too. Just. WOW.
(And also: all of the questions we keep asking.)