Totally Drunk Movie Reviews: How to Be Single

H2BSLet’s be honest – the fact that there needs to be a movie to teach you How to be Single is some seriously fucked up shit. If you don’t know how to be alone you’ve got more issues than this movie can address. If you don’t know how to be alone, then may I suggest you spend some serious quality time one on one with yourself – because NO ONE LIKES A STAGE FIVE CLINGER.

Not gonna lie – I downloaded this movie because (a) It had Rebel Wilson in it and she’s funny as fuck, (2) Dakota Johnson is the best, and (3) I am curious to know what lessons that it has to teach me. So I dove in with my bottle of 50 Shades of Grey Wine (I drink red) and the hope that it’s a girls answer to 50 Shades of Grey and the want to take control of your own body.

That’s right – power over your vagina people. POWER!

I mean I am also watching it because my friends manuscript that I promised to read is staring at me and the water pill that I took this morning is making me pee like it’s an Olympic sport. So hey – why not avoid life for 2 hours or however long this movie takes. And bonus… the wine will go right through me.

Now look – it opens and where did this guy come from? I mean lets be honest – your morning boner is not that big. Hell, your anytime bones is not that big. I am loving that we’re getting an introduction to the 4 women that this movie is about, but not liking the fact that Alice seems like this weak ass character that doesn’t know what she wants from life. Then again, maybe she doesn’t because she doesn’t know how to be alone. Alice can’t even break up with her boyfriend properly. Didn’t she learn from Ross and Rachel being on a break? I mean seriously.

H2BS2Now one has to wonder how it is that the brown haired chick can afford and apartment like that but can’t afford Wifi. WHY does everyone have to play Taylor Swifts WELCOME TO NEW YORK? I mean lets be honest – moving to NYC can go one of two ways – really good or really bad. This city can scare the fuck out of you if you let it.

Big ups to the producers on their strategic placement of Bliss products everywhere.

But I digress.

Lets talk about this brunette again. Her insistence on finding the perfect man? OMG – like have some self respect. Maybe if you removed the corn cob from your uptightness, you would relax a little and who knows what the fuck you would find. So many expectations.

Lets talk about Lucy – thats the brunette. Don’t worry girl that you couldn’t figure out what the sexual things are that your date wanted to do. I had to press pause and google that shit. And I couldn’t figure it out still. Also – when Tom is telling that girl what she wants to hear – yup, I have fallen for that shit.

“You have a small window in which to bathe your way through NYC.” Oops that’s supposed to say bone. You have all the time to bathe. Bathing is good.

Well dear Lord, someone tell me where that happens, cause my ass is in NYC and the only person getting any action around me is the neighbor above. BTW’s upstairs neighbor, no one needs to hear you scream “OH SO BIG.” That is unless you are gonna tell us what the hell is so big.H@BS3

So we’re moving on in this movie and figuring out how all these women tie together. Here’s my question – why the fuck does Robin have to be sleeping with everyone. Don’t really care, but just confused. Is everything in life have to be so sexual? Or is it that I am missing out? I don’t care who the hell people sleep with, but hey – a good time is to be hard even when you don’t fall on a penis.

But then hey – not knocking that time either.

Now Meg said at the beginning that she didn’t want babies, and now she wants babies. Again, it’s okay if you don’t want kids. It’s okay if you do. I love kids – as long as I can return them to their parents.

Who knew that you had to wait 4 hours to respond to a text? And no emojis? Shit, this must be where my single game is off.

One has to respect that Alice has been on a break for less that a week and has already fallen onto another penis. Tom is the penis that we should all be staying away from – unless we aren’t clingers. If we’re going to be honest, we all know that our vaginas become attached to the men we sleep with. So yes, as much as I think that Tom is douchebag, I personally couldn’t go down the wrong for me route – cause I want more than a fist bump at the end of the evening.

But hey, I’d take that shit after going to the man that I put myself on a break with and he tells me that he moved on. See – he didn’t know that you were on a break. HE DOESN’T COMPREHEND BREAK.

Women of the world – men don’t understand breaks. And we should never have to put ourselves on a break to understand our feelings. THAT SIGNIFIES A BIGGER PROBLEM.

We gotta get our shit together.H2BS1

But I am totally understanding Alice’s need to watch Bridget Jones. Totally going to turn that on after this is over. Nothing like Mr. Darcy to remind a girl of what she wants in life. I mean, Bridget Jones may have had issues, but she figured that shit out.

So Alice meets David and he’s charming. But, boy he’s got issues. I get it – his wife passed away 2 years prior, but he’s not ready to move on. So why is he dating? I mean just curious.

Fast forward…

Meg – the doctor who didn’t want kids, but decided she did – got herself inseminated. So she’s a cougar – like a champ – and is trying to find every way possible to push away the young dude who wants a piece of her. GIRL WHEN YOU ARE 80 YOU WILL KICK YOURSELF – LET HIM LOVE YOU! It’s just a Christmas tree. Though I get it – Christmas Tree. I mean who has time for that. In between working all the time and living life – it’s hard enough to keep the fridge stocked.

Yes Lucy! Have that breakdown reading to kids! Girl, you cray. No way you should have made your man a book of pictures after 3 days. That is Stage 5 clinger status. And that’s not okay. You know how you are wanting to cut off your Spanx Lucy, that’s all he’s wanting to do with you right now.

I’m halfway through my bottle of wine and I’ve resorted to drinking from the bottle. Cause this movie is making me cringe. Not cause I hate it – I don’t. But it’s playing into every stereotype that people have about women. And it’s like – slow your roll.

How To Be Single is not a documentary. It’s a rom-com playing into all the stereotypes of women. And hey – that’s not always bad as long as people grasp it’s not reality.

And hey – Dakota Johnson is bae.

Here’s what I have drunkingly learned from this movie –

  • There is no such thing as a break.
  • There is knowledge to be preached in this movie – there is a right way and a wrong way to be single.
  • Everyone’s got a little crazy, keep that shit under control.
  • Someone loves you and you don’t know it – but they love you enough that they just want the best for you.
  • I need to figure out my drink number.

So there are going to be those moments in everyones lives where the happy endings come and that may happen in the most unexpected ways. But shit happens. Life happens.

You may notice the more alcohol I consume the more positive I become. I can’t help it. I totally admit that I am started to tear up at the end. Alice finding her strength – missing the shit out of her BFF. But they are going to find their way.

And they do.

BFF’dom for the win!

Spout the wisdom Alice, “The time we have to be single is the time we have to get good at being alone.”

Doesn’t mean that we have to be alone forever.

Doesn’t mean that things won’t get better.

Suggestion – don’t watch this movie when you are in a vulnerable state. Cause you’ll go through a whirlwind and if you are like me when you consume alcohol – you will start out really bitter and end up crying.

I shouldn’t have drank this much. Work tomorrow is gonna be a bitch. But I’m gonna do it like a champ – just like Robin would.

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