We have a feeling that The Golden Bachelor is going to be like the train wreck that we can’t look away from. We’re not against people of all ages finding love – we love the prospect of love everywhere and anywhere. Finding it on a reality show? Sure, it’s not for us, but that’s because we definitely don’t want anything that we do playing out on television.
And when a lot of these women of The Golden Bachelor were growing up, they had something positive going for them – people didn’t have iPhones and a lot of their shit fell through the cracks and not a single person will ever know the shit that they did. Ahhh the beauty of pre-technology chaos.
We miss those days. But thankful that these women want fame love. Yes, love. That’s what we meant to say.
We’re breaking down the women of The Golden Bachelor, well if their name starts with A-K, because we can talk a lot of shit and this could be really long and we don’t have the attention span.
Blame it on the edible.
Here we go –
ANNA (AGE 61)
Anna’s official bio says that she’s a “woman of the world” cause she likes to travel and has been to over 20 countries. We’re wondering who thought “woman of the world” was a good phrase to use. Similarly, why Anna would admit that she likes to swim cageless with sharks, we’re not understanding. However, if someone takes out a life insurance policy, she goes swimming with sharks and then she goes missing – we know why.
Anna is from New Jersey and looks like she is a Gorga family cast off. Teresa wouldn’t let her on the The Real Housewives of New Jersey. She obvi didn’t pay attention to the fact that this is The GOLDEN Bachelor, because her spray tan is not so golden. We expect better from Jersey.
APRIL (65)
Well, April seems as though she tried to pitch Geriatric Housewives of Florida, but she understands no one likes Florida and The Real Housewives of Miami is enough torture. Unwilling to let her hair go grey, she loves bleach and her plastic surgeon (we’re guessing). She loves dancing to Taylor Swift, watching Bridgerton and playing with her two dogs – so obvi she’s trying to hang onto her youth. Can you do that at 65? We think so. Gravity ain’t gonna get her physically or emotionally down – if you know what we mean (and if you don’t… well, good for the surprise you’re gonna get when you’re old).
CHRISTINA (73)
A fun fact about Christina is that she loves to drive stick shift (and we’re not talking about what you may drive in the fantasy suite). She’s obviously embraced her inner love for a pant suit and it may have been too not for the jacket, but we’re gonna forgive cause she showed her feet and they don’t look like Shrek’s (you’d be surprised how many of us have gross feet). She likes to be on the “go” and wants to sky dive again with her grandson. This obvi means that she is balls to the wall, gives no fucks, and is going to live her best life (we’re guessing). We’d just like the number to her colorist, cause the blonde does look good.
EDITH (60)
We’re going to have to forgive Edith for whatever atrocious dress she is wearing, because she obviously didn’t know that it doesn’t spark joy. It sparks fire the stylist. However, Edith is looking for the joy of love and someone to eat breakfast with in her garden. She doesn’t get that getting someone to go to Downey, California (where she’s from) may be the real test of love. No one really goes to Downey willingly. She says, “It’s never too late to do whatever you want to do!” and we respect that. We also respect the embracing the grey. Tres chic!
ELLEN (71)
Someone either did a great photoshop job or Ellen has a good botox doctor, cause her forehead is looking smooth. No wrinkles for this chick. While her blonde may look like it came out of a box, we’re guessing that’s because she’s from Florida and well, it’s Florida. She’s a retired teacher, hence we think that smile is real after years of trying to smile all the time at the kiddos that probably drove her batty. Well either that or she’s smiling because she is retired and doesn’t have to teach DeSantis’ bullshit mandates. She has two sons, who she likes playing Pickleball with and our only question is do they let her win or does she kick their ass fair and square?
FAITH (60)
While Faith looks like she is a Katey Sagal body double, she is not. She embraces what looks to be the dry ends of her hair and we’re forgiving, because she lives in Washington and we know from experience finding a good hairdresser there is hard. She’s a teacher, who embraced her wild side by getting a tattoo (no word on what it is yet), among many other things. She would love to be in a band and we can totes imagine her performing somewhere in a Vegas lounge. A proud mom of two boys and four grandkids – Faith is just looking for someone to share the thrills of life with. We’re just impressed she still finds life thrilling, but hey, 60 is the new 45.
JOAN (60)
We can’t talk a lot of shit about Joan, because her official bio on the ABC site has us wanting to give her a hug and also tell her that it will all be okay. She was married for 32 years and lost her husband to pancreatic cancer. She started a new career as a school administrator and enjoys nothing more in life than spending time with her family. We’re loving Joan and want to look like her at 60. We’d also like to have an ounce of her strength.
JEANIE (65)
Jeanie is from Tennessee, and judging off her really bad hair, we think she’d fit right in, in Indiana. Hey, that’s where The Golden Bachelor is from and we’ve seen some hairdo’s from there. Sorry Jeanie. She’s embraced her inner Mrs. Roper for this photo shoot, but in life she embraces her inner philanthropist. To her there is nothing more important than giving back, but because she’s from Tennessee we’re going to need to understand what organizations (we’ve seen who you all elect to office and so sorry, you’re gonna need to be specific here Jeanie). She’s active and though she knows that she’s strong enough to be alone, she also knows that she’d love to have someone in her life to love. Then again, wouldn’t we all?
KATHY (70)
Kathy’s grandkids call her Kiki, so we’re gonna say it – she’s a wannabe Kardashian in our eyes. It’s like just let them call you grandma. We said what we said. What we are impressed with is that Kathy reads 50 books a year and if she’s on Goodreads we would totes follow. Cause hey we’re book people. Unlike the Kardashians, she’s an outdoorsy person, so we may be reaching with that one. She says that she’s, “so ready to show the world that a 70-year-old woman has energy, passion, and can truly enjoy life!”
We love that because we can’t always enjoy at our age. What are we doing wrong?
LESLIE (64)
Leslie scares us, because she looks like she’s ready to get her inner cougar on. And hey, as she’s trying to score an older man. So that being said, she’s really just not readable and so we don’t know what to say. The woman is a former professional figure skater, and is now a personal trainer. Leslie’s grandkids call her “glama” and well, if anything screams high maintenance – it is that. Her bio says she’s “looking for a real man who will enhance her life.” We’re thinking that it’s best to run from Leslie. She’s too bougie.
The Golden Bachelor is a show that we can’t wait to see. We may be reviewing – we’ll see. Depends on how drunk that this writer would be willing to get each week (cause definitely gonna need that).
