Welcome Upper East Siders, let us all bow down to the reboot gods, because they finally said, “lets get a reboot right,” and followed through. Sit down, get ready, and embrace the changes – because this isn’t the Gossip Girl you knew, but it is the Gossip Girl that you need.
Rich kids with horrible attitudes, in need of some serious attitude adjustments. Kids that know their power, their influence, and their ability to manipulate situations to their advantage. Mommy and Daddy’s want to pacify them and destroy anyone who gets in their way, after all is there anything that a Centurion card can’t buy? Sure, these teenagers may be out of control, but it’s tough out there.
It’s a whole new type of high school experience – where the world is more vicious, everyone measures their value by social media, or their proximity to a celebrity or their money. The trends are changing every moment, but what remains is that they all need to be put in their place.
Cash, bitchiness, and your last name will only get you so far. But you need something to put you in your place – well, Gossip Girl will show you the way. xoxo
SISTER, SISTER
Julien Calloway is hard to read. She’s rich, beautiful, spoiled, and the center of attention. An online influencer, she’s worked hard to get the attention that she has. Julien seems to think she is real, but apparently her overpriced education didn’t teach her what that means. If the likes, views, and followers don’t come with it, she’s not into it.
She’s got a sister that she’s never met – apparently their Dads kept them apart because they were pissed at each other. Her Mom left one for the other and everyone is still all sorts of angry. Not the best parenting, I think, to rob your child of their sibling. But what do I know. I’m poor and live in Queens.
Julien is trying to act like her sister isn’t important to her, but she is. So much so that they’ve talked a lot on DMs and she orchestrated her sister moving to the city so that they could go to school together. After all, their Mom wanted them to be close.
But fuck being honest and telling anyone that your sister isn’t that bad. She claims that she wanted her friends to like her for her, but we all have the lies that we tell ourself. After all guys and gals, that’s how we survive.
And the people that she didn’t need to lie to were her friends. But she doesn’t tell them just how much Little Z means to her and instead comes up with the stupidest plan to make her part of the group. Her friends are all suspect and don’t know why she’s trying so hard.
But Luna and Monet are right there, obviously forgetting to chill the fuck out or remember that they should be their own people and not riding coat tails. They may have money, but what’s that song that the housewives sing – money can’t buy you class? The only thing that it’s bought Luna and Monet is permanent bitch level nuclear status.
There is no one that this group isn’t willing to step on. Teachers included. They legitimately have the teachers crying, getting fired, and scared of them. Zoom kids aren’t the same in person. Hell, the pandemic and keeping kids at home may have done wonders for the teachers self esteem, but back in person, you better be on the lookout, because the students of Constance Billard are coming for you.
LITTLE SHITS NEED TO BE PUT IN THEIR PLACE
The most shocking thing in the premiere episode of Gossip Girl is just who Gossip Girl is. But we’ll get there.
Tavi Gevinson is a cultural icon – in my opinion. And that’s a hill I am willing to die on, so I don’t care if people don’t agree. So when Gossip Girl announced her casting, I wondered who she would be and was excited. They kept that under lock and key for so long, I was pretty sure that it was an answer that we would never know or else they didn’t want to tell us that she was a monster teen.
But she’s not. She’s a teacher. She’s a teacher that just wants the kids to like her, wants to fit in, wants the kids not to make fun of her. Constance Billard is supposed to turn out the best of the best, but the kids are having their influential parents make sure that they get to where they need to be.
And the people taking the hit – teachers. They are back in the halls and they are facing the firing squad (aka the headmistress), because New York’s Elite are pissed. Tavi’s character, Mrs. Keller, has had it and other teachers are discussing it along with her. But it’s at that moment, when another teacher starts talking and introduces them to what used to keep the students in check.
Gossip Girl.
When one of their friends come in and is fired, it’s always the geeky awkward one that suggests doing something drastic. And hey, apparently that would be bringing Gossip Girl back to life. Of course – she tries it on Twitter and girl, no one wants to be on Twitter. That’s where people go to be bigger assholes.
And when the students get worse, Ms. Keller decides it is time to go nuclear. And it’s a good thing too. I find it funny they didn’t know the basics – like tag people. No one is going to randomly come across your page.
That’s right. The teachers are Gossip Girl and Ms. Keller is the one writing the posts. She’s got her friends helping her.
I have to admit that I see all sorts of laws being broken with the teacher being Gossip Girl, but I absolutely love it. I also love that we know from the beginning, because it really changes the game. But most of all I love that Tavi’s character is the teacher, because she’s young, fun, and so unexpected. But Keller is devious and in a quest for acceptance. She’s like stuck in her high school mind herself, but in a way that’s okay.
After all we all had that one teacher that didn’t know how to grow up, that wanted to fit in, that couldn’t take that they were getting older. She definitely captured the voice of Gossip Girl in the posts.
DUMBO HALL
Ok we’ve all seen the clip of the Met steps, where Julien invites her sister to hang out with them at Dumbo Hall. Zoya wants to fit in, but the girl has done a 180 in attitude since moving and has resorted to lying to her father. And we know that is never going to end well.
But she wants to fit in with her sister and manages to go out. She meets up with everyone and in the elevator Obie doesn’t even recognize her. I love the chemistry that these two have. They have the same morals and want to change the world. He seems like he wants to protect her and not just because she’s his girlfriends sister, but more because she’s a good person.
What really got to me at the hall was that we see Audrey really into Max. She’s dating Aki, and she does love him, but Max is what turns her on. Max is hot. He’s daring. He’s sexual. He makes her have a WAP. As she sees him making out with a guy and a chick and she’s turned on. So much so that she takes her boyfriend behind a curtain and he gets down and well, judging by her reaction – he knows how to use his tongue.
But he also sees her staring at Max and realizes she wants to be with him – sexually. Who wouldn’t? Thomas Doherty is hot and his character Max, radiates sex.
Gossip Girl strikes while they are there. And the post goes right for it. Zoya’s scholarship – turns out that it came from Julien’s Dad. He is busy, so Julien reads the applications and she signed off on giving it to Zoya.
Why is this big? Two fold – she lied to her friends and was caught and she lied to her sister, who now doubts who she is. Julien is trying to justify her actions – but if these guys are friends – she should have told them. And most of all, she should have been honest with her sister.
Isn’t it crazy – how lies always have a way of rising to the top? Everyone is pissed and Zoya is destroyed. She decides to leave and Obie says he will leave with her. I may have screamed yes at this one, because the way that they walk in the rain together, the way that they end up at Obie’s apartment, the way she trusts him – it’s all too cute.
He makes her feel like she matters, that she’s not alone. When she goes to wait out the rain at his apartment, he offers to put her dress in the sauna and dry it out. They change in front of a window, and like a creepy stalker a teacher is there to take pics for Gossip Girl.
It looks suggestive, as if Obie and Z are together. And hey, perception is reality. At least on the internet.
THE DICK DROP
If it is on the internet it must be true, right? When Gossip Girl strikes, the whole school thinks that Obie and Z have done something. It’s everywhere. And the school isn’t going to let either one of them live it down.
Julien has yet another plan – she’s walking in a fashion show, and she wants Z to throw a fit when she’s left off the after party list – so Julien can gain some of the power back. I don’t get how that would give her the power back, but maybe my not being a junior in high school is showing.
The entire group has decided that they are going to ice out Z, and yet they are still there for Julien. I would love to believe that it is because they have been friends forever, but I believe it’s more about the power and influence that she has.
Instead of just being honest, Julien has to manipulate a situation and it even includes giving Gossip Girl the heads up. Well, I guess that the teachers deserve a pizza party in a small New York City apartment, because that’s right where they are – waiting for the drama and to post it.
Whitney Peak, who plays Zoya, is the real star of Gossip Girl. Every scene that she’s in, she plays with a bit of innocence, vulnerability, and strength. Her presence on the screen is magnetic and you find yourself rooting for Z to rule the school. She may be just another girl on the MTA, but she’s the first real threat to this group of New York’s elite.
And these seven friends, Aki, Aubrie, Max, Julien, Monet, Luna, and Obie have stayed at the top of the social hierarchy for so long, that they aren’t going to let a freshman take it. Zoya is willing to do anything for time with her sister – but I think she quickly learns that blood may be thicker than water, but blood also stains.
Monet and Luna decided that they need to save Julien from herself and devise a plan. Basics – they get Z’s phone and air drop a dick pick (Max is always a willing participant) to everyone in the show from it. Poor innocent Z has been put in the place that she’s public enemy number one and her sister just lets it happen – all while screaming innocence because “she didn’t know” what they were going to do.
It doesn’t matter if you did or didn’t Julien – redeem your tainted soul and protect your sister. But then again, this is Gossip Girl and they’ve just set up the drama. Sure, it was a long winded way to get there, but they got there and you, the viewer, know that you’re in for the sister takedown that will ultimately be more drama than a family Christmas.
Little Z escorted out and the whole thing captured by paps for the world to see. World humiliation – I don’t know anyone that would be that forgiving. And for once Z isn’t willing to be forgiving. She had a life – a good one – in Buffalo, and now here we are with her understanding why her father wanted to protect her from this life.
GAME ON BITCHES
There is always room for more than one person to matter and after what went down at the fashion show, we get to see just how fucking shady Julien is. She’s trying to comfort her sister – but Zoya has a point – she didn’t do anything to stop it.
When Z confronts her sister, Julien just doesn’t want to take responsibility for anything. She’s not sure what loyalty means. I swear someone needs to teach her how to download the Merriam-Webster app and use it, because Julien doesn’t understand words that matter.
Her speech to her sister, about how she can’t loose the influence that she’s worked so hard to gain is sad and pathetic. She sees her pain and digs in deep to twist the knife.
Jordan Alexander is a captivating actress, and up until this scene I thought she was quite possibly only going to play overly happy. But when the bitch claws need to come out and stay – she proves that she can play whatever character she needs to with conviction and depth.
And it’s a standing ovation moment to watch. Why? Because seeing Whitney and Julien in a scene where their dominance needs to come out is like watching the old Gossip Girl, where you didn’t know if you wanted Blair or Serena to win, you just knew that you were all in to whatever drama was there.
And trust me world, you’ll be into this drama. The question is – whose side are you on? Team Julien? Team Little Z?
We’re waiting for Gossip Girl to guide us, after all it tells you what you need to know and personally, we’re all listening.
EPISODE ONE AWARDS
BEST LINE: “We’re supposed to send them out of here Barak Obama’s instead of Brett Kavanaughs.”
CHARACTER YOU’RE ROOTING FOR: ZOYA
CHARACTER YOU HATE: MONET AND LUNA (it’s a tie)
CHARACTER YOU DON’T WANNA LOVE BUT DO: MAX
FAVORITE CHARACTER: OBIE
CLOSET YOU WANT TO STEAL: JULIEN’S
BEST FASHION: AUDREY AND JULIEN
OTHER THOUGHTS
- Monet is like an uber bitch and doesn’t even try to hide it
- I was disappointed Zoya changed herself for Julien, but I cheered when she remembered who she was and embraced it.
- I love when Zoya comes to school at the end dressed the way she wants and not the way her sister wants.
- We need to see more Aki scenes. I wasn’t able to grasp who Evan was as an actor, but I want to know more about his character, besides the fact that he fucks a lot.
- Zoya’s Dad may be my favorite over protective Dad. He’s over protective for a reason and it’s obvious he knows things that his daughter doesn’t and that drama will be fun to watch.
- Tavi is a great writer – we’ve all always known that. But her acting is great too. However, I am hoping that we see more of her outside of playing the role of Gossip Girl.
- Can I have Julien’s closet.
- Aki telling Audrey that she can think of Max during sex – WOAH. I mean I guess that’s okay as long as she doesn’t scream out his name?
- The fashion is fucking AMAZING.
- I wanna go to Dumbo now. But I love that this show really embraces the New York landscape in a way that is believable. Because trust me – the original Gossip Girl got a lot of shit wrong.
- I really hope that the show dives into more about the other characters now that we’ve set up the big drama.
- I’d really like HBO to unlock the character accounts ASAP.
Gossip Girl is streaming now on HBO Max.
