When I know nothing about a movie, but I am asked to write about it – I refuse. But blame it on the pain control (broken toes) and the fact that a heat wave has hit New York that I said let me bring my dry humor to writing about Shazam!.
Superhero movies aren’t my thing. I admit it. Though, one day when I find something that Lizzie doesn’t want to do, I will trade off with her. I will watch all the Marvel movies and she will have to watch the shit I want her too. Hopefully she doesn’t read this though, cause she will hold me to it.
And so it goes, that for now, we’re settling for me watching this trailer and trying to not just write that spandex is a privilege, not a right.
Shazam! Fury of the Gods looks like a shit show, one that I would laugh at and also wonder whose mind made this and why they did. So what did I learn from this trailer? Well, lets break it down. Or you know my interpretation of this shit show. Let’s let the Percocet do the talking.
Always Make Sure You’re Seeing The Right Doctors
Shazam is having an inferiority complex. Not sure if it’s because he’s like a child in a grown mans body or because he doesn’t fill out the suit the way say… Thor would. But this is DC, not Marvel, and well, I’ve listened long enough to know that DC comics are inferior.
If anyone can take Zachary Levi seriously as a super hero, I would really like for someone to train me on that. I can’t even begin to take him seriously. But do I get the whole, you’re on a couch and supposedly talking to a shrink, but it’s a pediatrician joke? Sure. Do I think it’s funny? No. But lesson learned, see the right doctors.
Comparing Yourself To Others Is Futile
I get it, comparison is the thief of joy. But lets also take into account that it’s none of our faults that we compare ourselves. Look at the world that we live in.
But look, people in the world, you’re the best possible you. At least one would hope. And comparing yourself to others will take away all that hope.
You’re never gonna be someone else, without tons of plastic surgery and I think we’ve all watched enough Botched to know thats not a road that we should be going down.
Accept yourself as is. Don’t compare. Life is too fucking short.
Road Rash Isn’t Fun
There are lots of things that are fun on your back, but being tossed down a road, and along the pavement? Hard pass. Those rashes burn. Don’t ask how I know.
Stealing Is A Bad Thing
Thou shall not steal is a commandment for a reason. Especially if you’re stealing from the Gods. They have a tendency to get pissed and protective and come back for blood.
Or you know their powers.
There Is Always Time For A Fast & Furious Reference
“Look, I might not have as much experience as you because I’m not super old like you, but I’ve seen all the Fast and the Furious movies, lady. It’s all about family!” Zachary’s character Shazam says to Helen Mirren’s character.
Have to admit that I laughed on that one. Then again, I love any movie in the Fast Saga.
Starring alongside Zachary Levi in the movie are Asher Angel, Helen Mirren, Lucy Liu, Rachel Zegler, Jack Dylan Grazer, Adam Brody, Ross Butler, Meagan Good, D.J. Cotrona, Grace Caroline Currey, Faithe Herman, Ian Chen, P.J. Burns, Jovan Armand, Marta Milans, Cooper Andrews, and Djimon Hounsou.
Shazam! Fury of the Gods hits theaters December 21, 2022.