Please, Don’t Watch ‘Artemis Fowl’

I’m serious here. Don’t watch it. If you’re on Disney+ and you feel like pressing play on something, then just …I don’t know, re-watch The Mandalorian. Press play on an old Disney favorite. Just don’t watch this.

And I’m not just saying this because this movie is barely recognizable as a movie featuring Artemis Fowl, the young genius of the Eoin Colfer series, I’m also saying it because, even if you know absolutely nothing about the books, this will still make no sense whatsoever.

To be honest, I’m still not sure what the movie is about, and I’ve read the books multiple times. Moreover, watching it I found myself not even caring about what the plot actually was, what the characters supposedly after, where it was all going, or literally anything.

No magic.

No charm.

No Artemis.

At least the movie doesn’t try to fool you into thinking it’ll be good, we can give it that. It starts with exposition, and a LOT of it, and not the type of exposition Josh Gad can make funny, and then inexplicably it never actually stops? Which, if I wanted Josh Gad to narrate something, at least I can go re-watch Frozen II. He does a really good job at trying to explain what happened in Frozen in that one.

Might be the good writing on his side.

I’m not even being a book purist – yes, they changed a lot of things. You can change a lot of things and make a bad adaptation and still make a good movie, though. This, however, isn’t that. This isn’t a good adaptation or a good movie.

And, of course, we’re on quarantine, and this is on Disney+ so it feels like what can you lose but a few hours of your life? We’ve squandered plenty of those during this time. And yet, not one second I’ve wasted during this quarantine feels as wasted as these 95 minutes.

Can I have my time back?

I can’t, but you, however, can save yourself. You can click on literally anything else, or better yet, turn off the TV and go take a nap. That’ll be more enjoyable than this.